Husband won't let me comfort him. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

No, trying to talk to him, text him, sit with him, or do the simplest things is not giving him space. Giving him space means leaving him alone, not even going to him, but letting him come to you when he's ready. While well meaning, you are essentially driving him crazy by not leaving him alone. Think about someone that is bruised and in pain, your gentle caresses feel like punches from a hot branding iron. Same here. He's hurting and struggling to come to terms with his grief. He needs to do this for himself, by himself or in a manner of his own choosing (therapy only really works when the person wants to go to therapy; it never works when sent involuntarily by someone else). But although you mean well, you are not giving him the space he needs to grieve and get to the point where someone can help him.

I only did the things he said would be helpful to him before. I understand now hat e doesn't want that. I know I can't fix it. I just want to help. I haven't suggested therapy to him because I know he won't go. I know he's against.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A month isn't that long. In fact, that's when grief really sets in. When it is no longer surreal, but reality. After all the funeral hoopla is over and people stop calling, the funeral flowers wilt, people stop asking about you, etc is when it feels particularly hard to deal with death.

Give him space. People grieve in their own way. Let him curl up and go to bed.

Have you tried crawling into bed after him and just holding him?. Speak no words. Don't try to articulate his thoughts. Just be silent and put your arms around him.

I have tried just that. He doesn't want that either he just moves away from me.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone. I know it's hard to do because you are taking this very personally. It's natural that you are, but just leave him be.

[Anonymous]

Men process things differently. Do what you can to make home peaceful and pleasant for him. Maybe cook a favorite meal or be extra affectionate. But don't push him to share feelings or accept platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Re read your posts. Everything is "I want". This isn't about you. He's made it clear he wants total space right now. And the less you give it to him, the longer this process will be. He knkws your are there for him. He knows you love him. Get involved in other activities for now. If this continues though, you will need to have a Frank discussion with him about seeing someone.

[Anonymous]

The funny thing about grief is that EVERYONE grieves in their unique manner.

Dealing w/the loss of a parent is one of life's greatest losses.
Trust me, I know.

What eventually happens is that with time, the pain actually lessens.
While it never goes away entirely, it does subside to where it becomes more manageable.

However getting to that point takes awhile.
One must endure the shock, the reality of their loss as well as find a way to adapt to moving on w/this new "normal."

This takes time, less for some.....much more for others.
Every situation is unique + different.
Some people deal w/grief easier than others.

Give hubby his space for however long he needs to mourn.
It really isn't you at all. You are a compassionate, caring & present wife.

He just needs a certain amount of personal space right now.
Please do not take it personally, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

Wow, I'd have left too. Why did you do that? He's giving off every "leave me alone" vibe he can, and you offer him two choices, talk to you or be silent with you. You're not getting it, op. You're acting incredibly needy, at a time that the guy has nothing to give. He needs to be alone. He's very clearly telling you what he needs - give him that!! Watch tv, go out with girlfriends, visit family - keep yourself very busy and stay out of his way.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Before his mom passed away we had talked about what he would like for me to do for him.

Everything that has been done so far is what he had told me to do.

He had previously lost a parent before and I figured he had some idea of what he would need.

So I haven't been trying to get him to grieve a certain way.

I understand that grief is different and changes things.

I'm just worried about him, especially since he has a family history of suicide.

[Anonymous]

Therapy as a kid, family history of suicide, and crying daily a month afterwards isn't normal for a man. It's just not. I'd be very worried, too.

When you knocked on the door, a normal response would have been: "Just give me a minute." But storming out to cry in the car isn't normal.

I'd give him another week, back off but watch closely. If he's still crying, then I'd sit him down during a good time and try to talk. I'd tell him that I'm worried and suggest he speak with his doctor...not a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

Wow, I'd have left too. Why did you do that? He's giving off every "leave me alone" vibe he can, and you offer him two choices, talk to you or be silent with you. You're not getting it, op. You're acting incredibly needy, at a time that the guy has nothing to give. He needs to be alone. He's very clearly telling you what he needs - give him that!! Watch tv, go out with girlfriends, visit family - keep yourself very busy and stay out of his way.

Why are you attacking PP like that, for merely offering to sit with her spouse one month after he lost his mom? This is a difficult situation, and her DH had previously told her this might help him. It is hardly an egregious defense.

OP, I would leave him be for now but honestly, I don't know why PPs are coming down so hard on you for merely checking in with your DH from time to time.
I think it's just fine to do that. You are hardly being aggressive. You are his wife.

Does he have a history of depression, or did he have a complicated relationship with his mother?
I do agree that everyone grieves differently, but not being able to receive a word of comfort, a touch, seems a bit extreme to me (DH and I have both lost a parent so I am not without understanding). There is no timeline for grief but it concerns me that he has totally shut you out. He may very well need some help in the future. But I would give it some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy as a kid, family history of suicide, and crying daily a month afterwards isn't normal for a man. It's just not. I'd be very worried, too.

When you knocked on the door, a normal response would have been: "Just give me a minute." But storming out to cry in the car isn't normal.

I'd give him another week, back off but watch closely. If he's still crying, then I'd sit him down during a good time and try to talk. I'd tell him that I'm worried and suggest he speak with his doctor...not a therapist.

It is if he feels like he can't be alone in the house. He was already behind a closed door. Op keeps chasing him. I get how he's feeling. He wants to be left alone.

[Anonymous]

I also don't know why everyone is piling on OP. She can't ask if he needs anything, or let him know she loves him? Is she supposed to walk around all day and not interact with him at all for the foreseeable future? It is totally reasonable to grieve in your own way and to want to be alone, but this has been going on for a month and he can't even talk to her a tiny bit? It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

I don't think OP is being selfish. I think she feels helpless and is trying to figure out a way to be there for her husband. She thought she knew what to do based on prior conversations, but apparently that is being overtaken by how he feels now. Honestly, her husband sounds like he needs some help with dealing with his emotions but if he would refuse therapy, that's not great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

Wow, I'd have left too. Why did you do that? He's giving off every "leave me alone" vibe he can, and you offer him two choices, talk to you or be silent with you. You're not getting it, op. You're acting incredibly needy, at a time that the guy has nothing to give. He needs to be alone. He's very clearly telling you what he needs - give him that!! Watch tv, go out with girlfriends, visit family - keep yourself very busy and stay out of his way.

Why are you attacking PP like that, for merely offering to sit with her spouse one month after he lost his mom? This is a difficult situation, and her DH had previously told her this might help him. It is hardly an egregious defense.

OP, I would leave him be for now but honestly, I don't know why PPs are coming down so hard on you for merely checking in with your DH from time to time.
I think it's just fine to do that. You are hardly being aggressive. You are his wife.

Does he have a history of depression, or did he have a complicated relationship with his mother?
I do agree that everyone grieves differently, but not being able to receive a word of comfort, a touch, seems a bit extreme to me (DH and I have both lost a parent so I am not without understanding). There is no timeline for grief but it concerns me that he has totally shut you out. He may very well need some help in the future. But I would give it some time.

I've lost both parents. I know how he's feeling. He went behind a closed door to cry and be alone. Op is feeling useless. She wants to do *something* - I get that too. But he's very clearly telling her what he needs and she's not hearing it. He'll come out when he's ready. He shouldn't have to be responsible for her feelings right now, and that's how he feels when she's continuously offering to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

He is "saying" this quite clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

He is "saying" this quite clearly.

It's not normal.