Husband won't let me comfort him. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

His mom passed away after a long battle with cancer nearly a month ago.
I feel like before she passed we had prepared for this as much as we could, we even discussed it in premarital counseling. Nothing we talked about is working. He has completely closed himself off to me.
He goes to work comes home and go to bed.
If it were just that he didn't want to talk I'd understand, but he doesn't want to be around me at all. He doesn't want to go for a walk or run, doesn't want to curl up and watch a movie. I made his favorite dinner to try to entice him because he's not eating much and Nothing. Nothing.

I heard him crying in the bathroom. Second night in a row. Last night ended up with him in his car, So I'm not going to push him tonight.

I just do not know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore, and sometimes I don't even want to be around him. I feel like a horrible wife right now.

[Anonymous]

He's grieving. It's a process. Give him the space he needs to get through the grief. Don't push yourself on him. Go download some "Men are from Mars" books and get a better sense of how men deal with these sorts of emotions. It's okay, he just needs some time on his own to deal with things.

[Anonymous]

We all grieve in our own way. This is a tough time for him. Give him some space and let him do what works for him. Just continue to offer to be there whenever he is ready to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

He needs to go to grief counseling. I understand that he is probably using up all his "act normal" at work (and he's probably not acting as normally as he thinks) and doesn't have any left for you at home. But this sound extreme to me. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to go to grief counseling. I understand that he is probably using up all his "act normal" at work (and he's probably not acting as normally as he thinks) and doesn't have any left for you at home. But this sound extreme to me. Get help.

+1

[Anonymous]

"Honey, I know you are in a lot of pain. And it seems like you want time alone to deal with your grief. It's different for me to see you hurting and not be able to comfort you. But I will do my best to give you what you need. So just know that I'll hold down the fort the best I can while you process things. And I'll be here in any way that you need. And when you are ready, I'll be here with open arms. "

[Anonymous]

Sounds extreme. He needs help. This isn't normal.

Sadly, I suspect my DH will be the same way when his parents pass. He's pretty emotional and incapable of being stoic.

[Anonymous]

I don't think he will go to therapy. He has told me on more than one occasion how much he hated therapy as a kid.

[Anonymous]

People deal with grief differently and he's dealing with the pain of losing his mother to such a horrible disease a just a month ago. Give him time.

[Anonymous]

He wants to be alone. This isn't about you, OP! Stop taking it so personally. You pursued him to the point that he slept in his car? Give the poor man his space and stop making it about you! He needs a wife who will respect his boundaries and understand his actual grieving process, rather than demanding that he grieve in the way she prefers.

A month is not that long if he is unable to grieve because you are bugging him. Give him a week of peace and quiet. If it's that hard for you to leave him aline, go to the gym.

[Anonymous]

Please leave him alone. He's not ready to handle anyone else, including you without breaking down. As someone else pointed out, he's using all of his strength and emotional resources to just get through the day at the office and he's exhausted by the time he gets home, so he can't handle anyone or anything else, even you. The best thing you can do it give him his space.

Send him an email that basically says you are sorry for his loss, that you will be home waiting for him whenever he needs but that otherwise, you'll give him the space that he needs. Then leave him alone. As long as he isn't doing anything destructive, like trying to drown his pain in alcohol or going out driving long distances when he's exhausted, just let him go.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

[Anonymous]

Giving him space means not talking to him or "doing the simplest thing." He is telling you what he needs. Leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

A month isn't that long. In fact, that's when grief really sets in. When it is no longer surreal, but reality. After all the funeral hoopla is over and people stop calling, the funeral flowers wilt, people stop asking about you, etc is when it feels particularly hard to deal with death.

Give him space. People grieve in their own way. Let him curl up and go to bed.

Have you tried crawling into bed after him and just holding him?. Speak no words. Don't try to articulate his thoughts. Just be silent and put your arms around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to get him to grieve the way I think he should. If it were up to me he wouldn't be back at work yet because I think it's too much for him.
I was only doing and trying the things I know he enjoys and bring him comfort, and the things we discussed me doing.

Last night I only went to the door and asked if he wanted to talk or if he wanted me to just sit with him. That's it just the once and he came out , grabbed his keys, and sat in his car.

I only texted him once and all I said was " I love you and I'm here for you."

I do try and give him space, but it's like I can't talk to him or do the simplest thing without getting snapped at or brushed off.

No, trying to talk to him, text him, sit with him, or do the simplest things is not giving him space. Giving him space means leaving him alone, not even going to him, but letting him come to you when he's ready. While well meaning, you are essentially driving him crazy by not leaving him alone. Think about someone that is bruised and in pain, your gentle caresses feel like punches from a hot branding iron. Same here. He's hurting and struggling to come to terms with his grief. He needs to do this for himself, by himself or in a manner of his own choosing (therapy only really works when the person wants to go to therapy; it never works when sent involuntarily by someone else). But although you mean well, you are not giving him the space he needs to grieve and get to the point where someone can help him.