must we maintain a relationship with my MIL

[Anonymous]

OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

No they don't. Not OP anyway, she sounds incredibly small minded and judgmental.

Yeah, that was my impression too. How dare this "random stranger" impose herself! You have nothing in common with her! Except um she gave birth to your husband and she's your kids' bio grandmother.

OP, don't fuck up this relationship for your husband because you are too petty to spend 10 minutes being kind to this woman. Unless of course you plan somehow on not growing old yourself. How is that working out for you?

the woman was an egg donor not a mother. No, OP and her family are not required to have a relationship with her.

She was also a gestational carrier.

OP, don't be a bitch. Show grace. Your children may learn to forgive your mistakes as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

Your parents will get older, sicker, and will eventually become a burden to you and your husband. How will you feel if your husband will refuse to have this burdensome relationship? Going to hospitals in the middle of the night is quite disruptive, much more so than a frantic phone call. Your kids are watching. One day you will become their burden. Is this the conversation you want them to have?

Have your husband handle the phone calls. A family gathering once a year is not burdensome. This is your family, so deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, take breaks if you need them, but I wouldn't completely cut her off. We have a close family member who sounds similar (although the person was never separated from the family) and we go through phases of more or less interaction, taking breaks as needed when boundaries are pushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

I would absolutely turn over the calls and dealing with his mom to your husband. OP, most of us have family members who are a burden. Even if his mom had raised him, she would still be a mentally ill older woman with a lot of needs. Family relationships entail burdens. My father is healthy but needs me to take a few days off from work every year to take him to assorted medical procedures. It's a burden, but it is what it is. I think the issue is, there is no magic pill to go through life with no familial burdens. Your obligation is to support your husband in whatever type of relationship he wants with his biological mom.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are not being a bitch at all. Many of these posters would feel the same way if you are in their shoes.

Why isn't your DH doing more of the phone calls?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely turn over the weekly calls to your H. I would block her number on your phones if she keeps calling in the middle of the night.

It's nice when relationship can forge ahead, but you can't force it and it sounds like your H is rather passive in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

Oh shit. This sounds like me. Except that I have a nice life.

OP, you sound pompous. This is your kids grandmother. And your husband's mother. If she was nasty, abusive, or a user, you'd have no obligation. But this is just a woman you think you're too good to be around. You're disgusting, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

Oh shit. This sounds like me. Except that I have a nice life.

OP, you sound pompous. This is your kids grandmother. And your husband's mother. If she was nasty, abusive, or a user, you'd have no obligation. But this is just a woman you think you're too good to be around. You're disgusting, frankly.

Also, this is what it feels like TO YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

What exactly were your expectations?

I don't have time to call anyone on a weekly basis, we are all to busy. Has she planned anything for long-term care, retirement, health etc.? Otherwise, you will quickly get roped into all sorts of things with this character. And she's only in her 50s now!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

What exactly were your expectations?

I don't have time to call anyone on a weekly basis, we are all to busy. Has she planned anything for long-term care, retirement, health etc.? Otherwise, you will quickly get roped into all sorts of things with this character. And she's only in her 50s now!!

I know, I helped create this situation by having naive expectations about a happy reunion with his birth mom and a grandmother for my newborn. I regret ever encouraging he make contact. I'm now home with 3 small children, my husband works a lot and I tend to manage everything in our home. This is one piece of home management I need to delegate because I can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband was raised by a patchwork of distant relatives, foster care, and friends and neighbors. It was far less than ideal but he has managed to put himself through college and have a fairly normal middle class life.

Several years ago I encouraged him to reach out to her, as a new mother at the time I couldn't imagine not having any relationship with a mother. I think we've made a good effort but family doesn't just start in your mid-30s with a stranger, we now call every Sunday out of obligation and either spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her. None of us enjoys it, she asks us to visit more often, and we feel guilty.

I appreciate the suggestions to let my husband handle this. A big part of my problem is I handle the weekly phone calls, which doesn't sound like much, but if you're trying to schedule with someone with severe anxiety, no sense of time, and a loose grip on reality it's a chore. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night on other days crying and asking why we haven't called yet. If I could turn his relationship with his mother over to him that would help.

I don't appreciate the comments about what a terrible person I am. I've tried to be kind for years to her and it's just a burden, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the situation any easier or think through what obligations I have.

It sounds like you guys need some help dealing with this situation. In no way should you be in charge of the calls, not at all. And the scenario you're describing sounds awful.

Has DH ever had therapy about his upbringing? That might help.

I think I would set her phone number to silent on my phone, and I would say the next time you talk that you have a lot going on, and DH will call in a couple weeks. Start spreading it out. And visit not on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

Oh shit. This sounds like me. Except that I have a nice life.

OP, you sound pompous. This is your kids grandmother. And your husband's mother. If she was nasty, abusive, or a user, you'd have no obligation. But this is just a woman you think you're too good to be around. You're disgusting, frankly.

Um, her kid was taken from her for neglect. She didn't raise him. This is a birth mother, not a mother in the typical sense. She birthed him...and the kind of expectations you'd have for a birth mother are what are appropriate here. Holidays, supporting her old age...none of those things is the OP or her DH's responsibility.

[Anonymous]

How many ought offspring does she have?? Have them do monthly calls and visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

No they don't. Not OP anyway, she sounds incredibly small minded and judgmental.

+1