must we maintain a relationship with my MIL

[Anonymous]

40 years ago my husband was born to a poor teenager with mental health problems. The state took him away from her as a toddler and he learned of his mother's identity when he was a teenager. She would like to have a relationship with him and our children, but it's really like having a random stranger with serious mental health issues that we have to spend a holiday with every year and have random meandering phone calls with weekly. She's not mean, she really is just a feeble woman with lots of mental health issues, but we don't have any connection with her except biology. Do we have an obligation to maintain this relationship? Is there any benefit to my kids to know their biological grandmother?

[Anonymous]

What does your husband want?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't get anything out of the relationship but he's a nice guy and is willing to make an effort to be kind to her. Perhaps we could just dial it down.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

No they don't. Not OP anyway, she sounds incredibly small minded and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to support your husband in this.

She's not causing you any harm. Right?

She's not causing your kids harm right?

No one ever regrets time spent sharing kindness and love, OP.

No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

No they don't. Not OP anyway, she sounds incredibly small minded and judgmental.

Yeah, that was my impression too. How dare this "random stranger" impose herself! You have nothing in common with her! Except um she gave birth to your husband and she's your kids' bio grandmother.

OP, don't fuck up this relationship for your husband because you are too petty to spend 10 minutes being kind to this woman. Unless of course you plan somehow on not growing old yourself. How is that working out for you?

[Anonymous]

OP I recommend you skip the phone calls and just do the one holiday. Really, I'm sure that shouldn't be too much to handle. If she's not mean, and it's important to your husband and isn't harming your children actively, you are practicing kindness and it's a good example. .

Just tell your DH that you think he'd get the most out of the phone calls just him and his mom. And move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40 years ago my husband was born to a poor teenager with mental health problems. The state took him away from her as a toddler and he learned of his mother's identity when he was a teenager. She would like to have a relationship with him and our children, but it's really like having a random stranger with serious mental health issues that we have to spend a holiday with every year and have random meandering phone calls with weekly. She's not mean, she really is just a feeble woman with lots of mental health issues, but we don't have any connection with her except biology. Do we have an obligation to maintain this relationship? Is there any benefit to my kids to know their biological grandmother?

OP you sound terrible. Yes you should try to maintain a relationship with your DH's mother. C'mon now, you know you sound like a total bitch right?

[Anonymous]

You should maintain the relationship at a distance. Let your husband do the weekly calls, and maybe you join in monthly. Do the one holiday a year.

If nothing else you need to be watching how her mental illness progresses. Your husband and your children share those genes.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't get anything out of the relationship but he's a nice guy and is willing to make an effort to be kind to her. Perhaps we could just dial it down.

Well, I think that answers your question. If you husband thinks that is the right thing to do, yes, you must maintain the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

[Anonymous]

Arrive on the scene 40-50 that's later as a single, unhealthy, mental-illness stricken adult?

I would keep distance, be verbally courteous monthly not weekly, and only physically see her outside of holidays/once a year for a short stop in visit.

This whole situation has the great propensity to be incredibly one-sided and a burden in you -- UNLESS SHE IS HEALTHY and has a life.

She may be the type- and I have a childhood friend like this - sho never got her $hit together and is beyond needy, and will suck you in and take, take, take.

This may not be the glorified "reunion with your birth mom" that a few adoptees may have. She may have just gone through so many people she has no social life or anything to add. Holidays are for the parents that tossed your husband, your parents and your and your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't, and neither does your husband or your kids.
But what you *should* do, OP, is watch out to see whether your husband exhibits any signs of these mental health problems. This is all heritable to some degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

OP, there are a lot of things that are hard to explain to my kids. Why some people are homeless; prejudice; the Holocaust; disability; war; slavery; murder; plane crashes, why planes fly. I could go on all day. Parents don't get excused from the hard questions. That's life. I'm sorry your family is not neatly packaged for you as upper-middle-classedly as you would have liked. Please send her to my house. We can deal with some rough edges here.