must we maintain a relationship with my MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

OP even if the bolded was true, that you were randomly assigned some sad, lonely woman to spend a holiday with and make a weekly phone call to--wouldn't it a charitable if you did that? And regarding that last statement you made, you don't get points for "making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents". Their your grandparents, that's what you're supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

OP-

What does your husband want? This is for him to figure out. I'm unclear on who has been in his life. Does he have adoptive parents?

Also, nothing you list is hard to explain to children. I have a mentally ill sibling and my kids seem to get her and accept her much more than adults are capable of. I'm pretty sure your kids will be fine with this..... it's you who has the issues.

[Anonymous]

This is your husband's decision. You have a say in your children's relationship with her, and can decide whether you want a relationship with her.

SMH.

[Anonymous]

I understand everything you are saying, OP, but at the end of the day, she's your husband's biological mother and he seems to feel obligated to have a relationship with her, so if it were me, I'd support that. It doesn't sound like it is taking up that much time, how long are the weekly phone calls? Maybe you could limit the duration to 15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to tell you but we were all 'randomly assigned'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your husband's decision. You have a say in your children's relationship with her, and can decide whether you want a relationship with her.

SMH.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

bravo, OP, bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

OP even if the bolded was true, that you were randomly assigned some sad, lonely woman to spend a holiday with and make a weekly phone call to--wouldn't it a charitable if you did that? And regarding that last statement you made, you don't get points for "making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents". Their your grandparents, that's what you're supposed to do.

Exactly. This woman is apparently harmless, your family brings her joy, and your husband wants to maintain this relationship. One holiday a year and a weekly phone call is really not too much to ask. It's not like you have to be the one to call her--have your husband call her, it's his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

This sounds like my family - seriously. It's really not that big of a deal to explain it to kids. They see different types of families all the time. Seems to me that you want to use your kids as an excuse. And, you don't get to pick your family so it's not fair to say that since yours is so wonderful, that's enough and there is no need for your MIL.

[Anonymous]

I am not going to say OP is a terrible person but OP sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Explaining a biological grandmother is not that hard. The kids don't need to know of every moral or life failure.

If you spend a holiday with her, then they already know of her. I don't get what else there is to explain?

[Anonymous]

I think you'll find out in two or so phone calls what her real deal and intentions are. Just go in eyes wide open with good intentions- a person to reconnect with from afar- and see what happens.
But this has to be your husband doing this, not you, not all of you. Has paperwork been shown or maternity tests? Does she have other children/ siblings to your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Yes, it is the kind thing to do but I'm not sure how to explain her or the relationship to my kids as they age. Her life reads like a sad country song and my family brings her joy. She had a baby as a teenager, several abusive marriages, addiction and rehab, mental hospital stays for a series of issues. She now lives off disability and her main interests are astrology, smoking pot, and reality TV. Given that my husband didn't know of her existence through his childhood it feels like we were randomly assigned this woman a few states away to spend an annual holiday with and weekly phone call.

Fwiw we have a great relationship with my family and I've never had a problem making an effort to visit and care for my elderly grandparents, but these have been life long loving relationships.

I understand where you are coming from given her lifelong situation. This sounds like some Adopt an Addict sitcom. I doubt anything good or positive will come from this. be ready for her to ask for money, housing, trips, drugs, cars, etc from you. It will only be a matter of time.

Also, talk with a friend or two that do social services; they will have suggestions on how to be a positive role model and not be manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should maintain the relationship at a distance. Let your husband do the weekly calls, and maybe you join in monthly. Do the one holiday a year.

If nothing else you need to be watching how her mental illness progresses. Your husband and your children share those genes.

Not if they are drug induced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could start skipping weeks with the phone call until you're down to once every couple of months or whatever you're comfortable with. Skip some holidays too. Sounds really sad but you guys sound very kind.

No they don't. Not OP anyway, she sounds incredibly small minded and judgmental.

Yeah, that was my impression too. How dare this "random stranger" impose herself! You have nothing in common with her! Except um she gave birth to your husband and she's your kids' bio grandmother.

OP, don't fuck up this relationship for your husband because you are too petty to spend 10 minutes being kind to this woman. Unless of course you plan somehow on not growing old yourself. How is that working out for you?

the woman was an egg donor not a mother. No, OP and her family are not required to have a relationship with her.