My husband is a jerk

[Anonymous]

You don't love him. You don't respect him. It sounds mutual. I think your marriage is doomed anyway.

[Anonymous]

Tell him not to talk to you that way. Also, watch out or when your kids get annoying he will also verbally abuse them.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for all this pain ! Marriage is hard work and very important - Don't know all the details but I would exhaust some other avenues, restoration can happen. Verbal abuse is not acceptable for any person. Get some counselling help with communicating how this makes you feel in your relationship. Check out http://bit.ly/2b6m8DZ - When is it Appropriate for me to leave. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

I like moldy shut shower curtains, come live with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is constantly frustrated with me over things that to me, really aren't that big of a deal. For example, this all occurred on the past 12 hours:

-He was watching the news while I was reading. He said something in regards to what was on the news; I didn't hear him and asked him to repeat himself. He huffily replied "never mind" and turned back to the TV. He was visibly irritated, and often if I don't hear him he'll chastise me for not hearing it the first time. Apparently I am supposed to spend my entire day staring at him with bated breath waiting for waiting for all these pearls of wisdom to come forth from his lips.

-While feeding and changing our baby I said "stop" to her a couple times (not in a mean way or in a way trying to get her to actually stop. Just in a sing-songy, goofy way when she was kicking her legs around while I was trying to change her and then while I was trying to feed her). He asked why I was saying stop and I replied "which time?". He then lectured me- again very irritated- that any normal person would have understood he meant the last time I said it, not the first. Any time I ask for clarification he gets upset with me for not understanding. When I said I don't like the way he was talking to me he just replied "well I don't like the way you have to ask questions to answer my questions". He says by asking further questions, I am verbally abusing him.

-He didn't like the way I did something. I can't even remember what it was because this happens constantly; he doesn't like the way I load the dishwasher, fold up used diapers, park my car, etc. So he's constantly asking "why would you even do it that way? You're being lazy. You should do it this way. I've put a lot of thought into it and this is the best way to do it". He is very into efficiency, doing things the "right" way, and not being lazy. It's pretty clear to me he also has some OCD and will get upset if I don't want to do something his way, or that I can't read his mind and inherently know how things should be done.

All this stuff happens CONSTANTLY. It's pretty clear to me I'm not what he wants and a lot of his frustration is because of that. He won't admit it, but I can tell he would prefer to be with someone who has a more prestigious career and a different lifestyle than I do.

I'm at the point where I just don't give a crap about him anymore. I avoid talking to him as much as possible and look forward to when he goes out of town for work (which is frequently, thank god). Zero interest in sex with him and I'm pretty sure he has little interest in sex with me. But if I mention that we are both unhappy and maybe aren't right for each other, he gets very emotional and says he doesn't want to split up, which I do believe is sincere. We tried counseling for awhile which helped some but we haven't been back since our baby was born.

My current plan is to start building a life without him- new job that pays well, developing new friendships and interests, spending more time away from him- and to start getting my ducks in a row to leave. Which makes me incredibly sad since I grew up with divorced parents and I don't want that for my child. But I don't know what else to do at this point.

I get pissed about things like this because my husband NEVER, EVER listens to anything I say. He'll come home from work and ask, "What did you do with the kids today?" And I'll respond that we went to the pool with the neighbor. Later on I'll mention something that neighbor's kid did at the pool, and he'll say, "Oh, you went to the pool today?" He also prioritizes electronic communication over anything I say. I'm in the middle of talking, and his phone beeps, he pulls it out and starts reading. These things wouldnt bother me if they were occasional, but they are habitual. Just thought I'd mention this in case this is part of the dynamic that created your husband's response.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like there is strain in this marriage. I am appalled that people are recommending divorce.

Have you tried to get to the bottom of why he is lashing out at you? Does he feel neglected, disrespected? Are you SURE you're not doing anything selfish and oblivious?

My DH can get critical at times and try to micromanage me. It can be HIGHLY annoying. But we have been able to fix the situation.

First, you have to own up to what you may be doing that aggravates the situation. In my case, if I had been on a streak of being irresponsible or overly needy, this would make DH cranky and start laying into me more often.

Second, you have to have a plan for how to handle his bad behavior. I started leaving the room. So in your book example, just get up and leave the room if he gets grumpy because you didn't hear him. If he asks why you are leaving the room, just say "I don't want to be in a room with someone who speaks to me disrespectfully and doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt."

But I guess you probably won't take this advice because it sounds like you just want out. I think that's really too bad because fixing problems is really worth it and can bring two people closer than ever. That has been my experience anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds like there is strain in this marriage. I am appalled that people are recommending divorce.

Have you tried to get to the bottom of why he is lashing out at you? Does he feel neglected, disrespected? Are you SURE you're not doing anything selfish and oblivious?

My DH can get critical at times and try to micromanage me. It can be HIGHLY annoying. But we have been able to fix the situation.

First, you have to own up to what you may be doing that aggravates the situation. In my case, if I had been on a streak of being irresponsible or overly needy, this would make DH cranky and start laying into me more often.

Second, you have to have a plan for how to handle his bad behavior. I started leaving the room. So in your book example, just get up and leave the room if he gets grumpy because you didn't hear him. If he asks why you are leaving the room, just say "I don't want to be in a room with someone who speaks to me disrespectfully and doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt."

But I guess you probably won't take this advice because it sounds like you just want out. I think that's really too bad because fixing problems is really worth it and can bring two people closer than ever. That has been my experience anyway.

You scare me.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this thing where he tells me a story using only pronouns, no proper nouns, then gets mad at me when I ask clarifying questions. He truly thinks he is being clear and it's as clear as mud. He also has other shades of your DH. I really think it's anxiety driven but he refuses to consider it. He just describes himself as Type A and effective and pretty much everyone else (including me) is just lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds like there is strain in this marriage. I am appalled that people are recommending divorce.

Have you tried to get to the bottom of why he is lashing out at you? Does he feel neglected, disrespected? Are you SURE you're not doing anything selfish and oblivious?

My DH can get critical at times and try to micromanage me. It can be HIGHLY annoying. But we have been able to fix the situation.

First, you have to own up to what you may be doing that aggravates the situation. In my case, if I had been on a streak of being irresponsible or overly needy, this would make DH cranky and start laying into me more often.

Second, you have to have a plan for how to handle his bad behavior. I started leaving the room. So in your book example, just get up and leave the room if he gets grumpy because you didn't hear him. If he asks why you are leaving the room, just say "I don't want to be in a room with someone who speaks to me disrespectfully and doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt."

But I guess you probably won't take this advice because it sounds like you just want out. I think that's really too bad because fixing problems is really worth it and can bring two people closer than ever. That has been my experience anyway.

You scare me.

Care to elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Try the 180. Miracle worker! Early in my marriage I was constantly trying to meet dhs never ending expectations. Tried the 180 and it was like a miracle.
I also tell him not to fall asleep first when he gets really nasty. Usually snaps him right out if it!! Lol

[Anonymous]

He is cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

He sounds verbally and psychologically abusive. It's only going to escalate.

[Anonymous]

Most men can only be nice for a short while during dating. After marriage, they revert to their normal selves. The question is, how to get them to be nice again. The op's husband sounds like a super-controlling person.

[Anonymous]

My husband has anxiety (although will not admit it) and when its bad, he does shit like that. Drives me nuts. the big issue for him is control: the more out of control he feels, the more he takes it out on others. Your husband sounds the same way about some thing (the irritated because you dont listen to me is perhaps something else but the irritation can be a sign of anxiety). Sorry, its no way to live. Has he taken his OCD/anxiety seriously?

[Anonymous]

I have anxiety and slight OCD and have learned to let things go with DH. I always need things to be closed (shower curtains, drawers, cabinets...). DH knows this and always leaves things open. Instead of fighting him about it, I simply close them when I see it. It's not my husbands fault that I have these preferences (for all I know he has OCD where things have to be left opened...haha). Your DH sounds like he needs therapy, medication, or a sense of humor (or all three!). Contempt makes for a very unhappy marriage; your DH should love and appreciate you the way you are.