My husband is a jerk

[Anonymous]

Why did you have a child with someone who clearly has contempt for you?

[Anonymous]

Was he like this before you got married?

[Anonymous]

Don't say stop to your baby is a gooft playful way. Be firm about it with a stern voice. You are going to confuse your baby on what stop really means.

[Anonymous]

Wow, my ex-husband was/is exactly like your DH too. It all sounds so familiar.

Those who say that this is probably just a phase are not married to narcissists. It is not a phase, and it gets worse as time goes on.

Bad news - don't put high hopes on counseling doing any good. I'm guessing he's the sort who can put on the charm and act normal and nice when it serves his interests. The dynamics are explained very well in Patricia Evans' books: http://patriciaevans.com/

Your child will be much happier if s/he doesn't grow up in this kind of environment and doesn't start picking up his habit of putting you down. I am speaking from experience here. I wish I had left sooner. You have the right idea, to make a plan and then leave.

[Anonymous]

PP again. There are good men out there. When you connect with someone nicer down the road, you will wonder why you put up with such crap. But look at it as a necessary step in your personal development. There is a good reason you chose this person and believed that he would change - a narcissist eventually pushes a vulnerable, susceptible person too far and forces them to examine their weaknesses and, hopefully, gather up strength and overcome them and reclaim their personal power.

Other books you may want to check out: http://dalkeithpress.com/survivingthestorm/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say stop to your baby is a gooft playful way. Be firm about it with a stern voice. You are going to confuse your baby on what stop really means.

Can you stay on topic?

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you had sex?

[Anonymous]

Op again. Thank you for the book recommendations, I'll check those out.

Didn't mean to have a child with him, she was an oops. We both adore her, and he is a fantastic father. It sucks, because I want her to grow up seeing her daddy every day. But I also know we are modeling a dysfunctional relationship for her and I don't want her learning it's okay to treat your spouse poorly.

He was like this before marriage and I did split up with him because of it. He was extremely distraught, so I gave counseling a shot and our relationship improved quite a bit. Things were pretty good for awhile, then started slipping again after we got married. This is why I think he needs that fear that I could leave to keep himself in check.

We've had sex once since our daughter was born. I still have an awesome sex drive, but it's no fun when I'm trying to make a move and he starts questioning why I didn't get some bullsht task done that day, or if I did do it, explain why it's not up to his standards. Way to kill the mood. Or afterwards he'll immediately get up, go to the bathroom, get upset I didn't close the shower curtain. Then I get a long lecture on how he has asked me numerours times to close it, I need to close it because that's the best way, and yes maybe I do close it 90% of the time but I'm still being lazy and not thinking things through. Suck to let myself be vulnerable enough for sex and then get immediately attacked while I still have my guard down.

I know a lot of it comes from anxiety. I've seen instances where if he can't act out his OCD, even on small things, he starts sweating profusely. He is also very hard on himself; if he makes any kind of mistake he will beat himself up over it.

6:21 I'm going to assume that was a troll post. My daughter is way too young to know what "stop" means, especially in regards to a natural infant behavior like kicking legs.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever taken meds or done targeted therapy for OCD/anxiety?

I would pretty much insist on him getting treatment, if you think he will listen. Make it clear to him that it's a condition of staying married.

[Anonymous]

Big question: Does he acknowledge he has some issue, or even see how he's acting? If so, you need a sharp therapist to sort out what's behind his behavior. Nothing can change without him becoming mindful of his behavior and the triggers for it. Does he have a parent who does this kind of thing? It does sound like a med for anxiety/OCD might help, but only to make it easier for him to consciously work on changing his behaviors.

When people constantly pick on someone else, it's always a good idea to figure out what they're feeling so bad about that they have to deflect onto another person.

[Anonymous]

If you want to save the marriage I think you can. Rad the 5 languages of love. Go to counseling. Sounds like there is resentment in both sides.

[Anonymous]

Women often mistake self-centered jerks for confident men. Looks like maybe you made that mistake. Give him the boot. Warn your daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is constantly frustrated with me over things that to me, really aren't that big of a deal. For example, this all occurred on the past 12 hours:

-He was watching the news while I was reading. He said something in regards to what was on the news; I didn't hear him and asked him to repeat himself. He huffily replied "never mind" and turned back to the TV. He was visibly irritated, and often if I don't hear him he'll chastise me for not hearing it the first time. Apparently I am supposed to spend my entire day staring at him with bated breath waiting for waiting for all these pearls of wisdom to come forth from his lips.

-While feeding and changing our baby I said "stop" to her a couple times (not in a mean way or in a way trying to get her to actually stop. Just in a sing-songy, goofy way when she was kicking her legs around while I was trying to change her and then while I was trying to feed her). He asked why I was saying stop and I replied "which time?". He then lectured me- again very irritated- that any normal person would have understood he meant the last time I said it, not the first. Any time I ask for clarification he gets upset with me for not understanding. When I said I don't like the way he was talking to me he just replied "well I don't like the way you have to ask questions to answer my questions". He says by asking further questions, I am verbally abusing him.

-He didn't like the way I did something. I can't even remember what it was because this happens constantly; he doesn't like the way I load the dishwasher, fold up used diapers, park my car, etc. So he's constantly asking "why would you even do it that way? You're being lazy. You should do it this way. I've put a lot of thought into it and this is the best way to do it". He is very into efficiency, doing things the "right" way, and not being lazy. It's pretty clear to me he also has some OCD and will get upset if I don't want to do something his way, or that I can't read his mind and inherently know how things should be done.

All this stuff happens CONSTANTLY. It's pretty clear to me I'm not what he wants and a lot of his frustration is because of that. He won't admit it, but I can tell he would prefer to be with someone who has a more prestigious career and a different lifestyle than I do.

I'm at the point where I just don't give a crap about him anymore. I avoid talking to him as much as possible and look forward to when he goes out of town for work (which is frequently, thank god). Zero interest in sex with him and I'm pretty sure he has little interest in sex with me. But if I mention that we are both unhappy and maybe aren't right for each other, he gets very emotional and says he doesn't want to split up, which I do believe is sincere. We tried counseling for awhile which helped some but we haven't been back since our baby was born.

My current plan is to start building a life without him- new job that pays well, developing new friendships and interests, spending more time away from him- and to start getting my ducks in a row to leave. Which makes me incredibly sad since I grew up with divorced parents and I don't want that for my child. But I don't know what else to do at this point.

He probably doesn't respect your intelligence and finds speaking to you tiresome. I would be irritated if I had to often repeat myself too.

[Anonymous]

The grass is not always greener. It is annoying when you are "spending time" with someone and they are ignoring you. Sounds like he wants to interact with you and you are not interested. I think a divorce would be good for you. It's a hard and tiring process. At the end of which you are not back to where you were before you married him and had a child.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP- you are right to make your own life to be rid of an emotionally vacant man. One thing to those with hearing issues- surprise- get your hearing checked by a speech and hearing center GWU is great! I had the same issue and am actually losing my hearing in one ear. This does not excuse a jerk for being cruel to the OP- I just wanted to toss it out there for anyone with a hearing issue.