My husband is a jerk

[Anonymous]

My husband is constantly frustrated with me over things that to me, really aren't that big of a deal. For example, this all occurred on the past 12 hours:

-He was watching the news while I was reading. He said something in regards to what was on the news; I didn't hear him and asked him to repeat himself. He huffily replied "never mind" and turned back to the TV. He was visibly irritated, and often if I don't hear him he'll chastise me for not hearing it the first time. Apparently I am supposed to spend my entire day staring at him with bated breath waiting for waiting for all these pearls of wisdom to come forth from his lips.

-While feeding and changing our baby I said "stop" to her a couple times (not in a mean way or in a way trying to get her to actually stop. Just in a sing-songy, goofy way when she was kicking her legs around while I was trying to change her and then while I was trying to feed her). He asked why I was saying stop and I replied "which time?". He then lectured me- again very irritated- that any normal person would have understood he meant the last time I said it, not the first. Any time I ask for clarification he gets upset with me for not understanding. When I said I don't like the way he was talking to me he just replied "well I don't like the way you have to ask questions to answer my questions". He says by asking further questions, I am verbally abusing him.

-He didn't like the way I did something. I can't even remember what it was because this happens constantly; he doesn't like the way I load the dishwasher, fold up used diapers, park my car, etc. So he's constantly asking "why would you even do it that way? You're being lazy. You should do it this way. I've put a lot of thought into it and this is the best way to do it". He is very into efficiency, doing things the "right" way, and not being lazy. It's pretty clear to me he also has some OCD and will get upset if I don't want to do something his way, or that I can't read his mind and inherently know how things should be done.

All this stuff happens CONSTANTLY. It's pretty clear to me I'm not what he wants and a lot of his frustration is because of that. He won't admit it, but I can tell he would prefer to be with someone who has a more prestigious career and a different lifestyle than I do.

I'm at the point where I just don't give a crap about him anymore. I avoid talking to him as much as possible and look forward to when he goes out of town for work (which is frequently, thank god). Zero interest in sex with him and I'm pretty sure he has little interest in sex with me. But if I mention that we are both unhappy and maybe aren't right for each other, he gets very emotional and says he doesn't want to split up, which I do believe is sincere. We tried counseling for awhile which helped some but we haven't been back since our baby was born.

My current plan is to start building a life without him- new job that pays well, developing new friendships and interests, spending more time away from him- and to start getting my ducks in a row to leave. Which makes me incredibly sad since I grew up with divorced parents and I don't want that for my child. But I don't know what else to do at this point.

[Anonymous]

I think your plan of starting a new life without him is a good one. And yes, you can do that within the marriage and he might respond to the new you and new way of not engaging with his ass-holery.

Go back to counseling for YOU.

I think you can make this work if you put some effort into changes your responses to him. You sound like you are stuck in a bad feedback loop. Break free, my friend!

[Anonymous]

It's really not the end of the world to have divorced parents. I wouldn't say it's no big deal, but it can be handled well.

[Anonymous]

OP, are we married to the same person? My husband is EXACTLY like this. Just yesterday he got pissed and yelled at me for not hearing what he had said to me. He doesn't want to have to repeat himself. I said I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. He said I need to learn to listen harder the first time, then he wouldn't have to repeat himself. He actually gets absolutely livid over this.

But then, when the situation is reversed - where I say something and he doesn't hear me and I have to repeat, he likewise gets furious with me for talking too low for him to hear. He yells, curses, tells me to "use your words", etc. I wanted to stab him last night (not that I actually would, but I do fantasize about it)

He's the biggest hypocrite I've ever known.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Do not let him talk to you that way. Tell him, calmly, that if he wants to chat and not pick on you or belittle you then you can. Otherwise, do not engage him in any conversation. The only reason that he can pick on you is because you are giving him the attention to do so.

Sounds like your DH has anxiety and/or depression, some sort of self-loathing that causes him to look at others close to him for flaws.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child, OP? We went through a stage like this where we just couldn't communicate with each other due to stress and lack of sleep. Once we got to around 2 years old, things drastically improved, but we have to still work at talking to each other rather than at each other.

[Anonymous]

You've already checked out of the marriage, and are lazily going through the motions - and you're complaining that he doesn't like it? Take a look at yourself.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this pre baby?

[Anonymous]

No marriage is perfect. Sounds like you need to work on communication. Kids are terrible on marriages. I would wait until you're at least out of diapers before making a decision on ending your marriage. In the meantime, go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

You married him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this pre baby?

I wondered this. Clearly, his behavior is completely uncalled for. Constantly nitpicking and belittling your spouse is death on a marriage (ask me how I know). If this is a trait he's always had, the baby might have magnified it. Or he's increasingly dissatisfied with his life and so acting out more. Or something is going wrong at work and he's taking it out on you. Or he's having his midlife crisis where he realizes this is actually his life, and he's unhappy.

In some sense, it doesn't matter. He's being unkind and overly critical and defensive, which is the opposite of a loving spouse. I'd just stop engaging. When he starts criticizing you, don't defend yourself. Just politely acknowledge what he said and go on. Don't take it personally. Build your life elsewhere. From time to time, you might try talking about it again, but if it doesn't improve, there's not much you can do about it. He's going to find something to criticize no matter what you do (ask me how I know)--if you do what he wants in one area, he'll just find something else to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't live w/such a critical, condescending Type A person, I would much rather live alone.

He sounds very narcissistic and his comment about you verbally abusing him is laughable at best.

I would leave him.
Trust me, your child will thank you later.

[Anonymous]

He might have some anxiety, especially since you have a new baby. I've felt with anxiety all my life and when it's bad, I become very impatient with people around me. At its worst, I've felt full on range over things that shouldn't be a big deal. Of course, if he isn't even willing to work on himself, there's not a lot you can do about that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the encouragement. Interesting to hear there are other husbands like this, women have the reputation of being the overly critical and nit-picky spouse!

He was like this pre-baby. It got really bad right before she was born, disappeared completely for the first month or so after she was born, and now has been coming back more and more. He does acknowledge that he has a lot of anxiety and should do something about it. I'm leaning towards going back to our counselor and bringing up that he needs to start getting help for his anxiety.

12:42- Ha, we really are married to the same man! He has trouble hearing in places with a lot of background noise like restaurants, so he will look at me to translate whenever someone talks to him. Sometimes I'm a little passive aggressive and pretend to not notice he needs help

12:56- He was like this long before I checked out. Plus the more loving I am and the more I try to be a good wife, the worse he treats me.