If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it?

We have been to dinner recently with some couples, and on occasion, it occurred to me (the wife made no secret of it) that the wives were under impressed by their husbands. In one case (not at dinner, obviously) a wife divorced their husband, after he sent her to "grad school" (expensive $50K certificate program that you pay for and they accept you). Since I am not naming names here, and you (presumably) are not, do you think less of women who berate their husbands, or let them know they are disappointed? Or are you a wife that feels that way about their husband? What did/do you do about it? It seems fairly prevalent, so I am curious. Maybe it is just certain cultures (I am not pointing fingers, so don't ask me to name it); and the husbands expect it? It seems sad to me. Do you know anyone who does this?

No, I respect them more, actually, for not putting up with the bullshit.

+100

If she still cares enough to complain, LISTEN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have no issue if a friend vents about her spouse (not sure if this is the same as bashing). I think it's great when my girlfriends tell me their problems and listen to mine in turn. I think every spouse complains about the other at some time or another; having a friend to listen can help gain perspective and keep you from lashing out at DH/DW. I'm more annoyed when people act like their marriages are perfect.

+1

Excellent point!

[Anonymous]

No. Women and men should NOT complain about their spouses in public. They can discuss issues they might be having with a trusted friend (e.g. I'm upset because of this dynamic in our relationship, DH is awfully controlling and won't let kids spread their wings, how can I change it" but not a whole hearted "my DH is a Fat, Stupid, and Happy and he had no clue whatsoever" type conversation.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I've been known to complain about my spouse but generally only with close friends/confidantes. And pretty much never for reasons like those that seem to be bothering you.

I'm pleased as all hell that DH got out of the BigLaw pie-eating contest. I'm somewhat less pleased that his whole identity and self-worth is now tied up in another professional venture with much lower odds of success and into which he puts even longer hours than he did in BigLaw. I'd be a great deal more pleased if he had instead found himself a steady GS-13 gig that would allow him to be home more often. But he's chasing the dragon of ambition and may just fall apart as a human being if this venture fails. So, yeah, I vent about that to my girlfriends sometimes.

honestly, I don't think i've ever heard people complain about their spouse's lack of professional success around here. I've heard some inappropriately awkward public complaining about spouse's various shortcomings but not the "professional success" bit. I'm sure I've also heard inappropriate boasting.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way, but keep it to myself, save for anonymous Internet postings. My DH quit his job to go back to graduate school less than a year after we married. He did not ask me before doing so. He has not held down employment since then and now is a fairly mediocre SAHD. To make matters work, I'm working 70-hour weeks to support the family, while DH always gets compliments for being such an involved dad and spends at least a couple of hours a week mentioning how he would like us to buy an expensive second car and move to a bigger house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way, but keep it to myself, save for anonymous Internet postings. My DH quit his job to go back to graduate school less than a year after we married. He did not ask me before doing so. He has not held down employment since then and now is a fairly mediocre SAHD. To make matters work, I'm working 70-hour weeks to support the family, while DH always gets compliments for being such an involved dad and spends at least a couple of hours a week mentioning how he would like us to buy an expensive second car and move to a bigger house.

I should have mentioned that people seem to WANT me to vent about this situation, since my friends and family get mad on my behalf. Again, I zip it - nothing good can come of it.

[Anonymous]

I am a DH that feels guilt everyday for not living up to my expectations of myself. Had a rough year financially which caused issues with wife. Now back on track to pull in close to what I feel I should be making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

Ha! My wife openly resents the fact that I'll never get a sniff at making $120k. And I'm the only one in the house who is OK with the chain link fence. I give her the shrug and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

Ha! My wife openly resents the fact that I'll never get a sniff at making $120k. And I'm the only one in the house who is OK with the chain link fence. I give her the shrug and move on.

I make $140K as a Fed and have over $1 million saved and/or invested and DW constant bitches that I'm a loser. We visit friends with huge houses and she complains that we should have a big house "like that." She wants a new car and wants it to be MB. U don't value either big showy houses not a flashy car. I told her she is more than welcome to these things if she wants to pay for them herself. I'm completely happy with the small house in the close in burbs and a Honda Accord.

People explain the difference in our approach to money as cultural. I am WASP and she is from Eastern Europe. The car and the house are in her culture status symbols. Me? I know status can't be bought.

And I too would be happy with the chain link fence!

[Anonymous]

I've never had a friend complain about how much money their spouse makes. Never. And I'm pretty social.

My DH has the earning potential of 150k-200. It's not enough for me, so I have stayed focused on my career.I've always been independent and someone who makes what I want out b of life. I'm happy. What makes me happy is financial security and we have that. That's all I need.

[Anonymous]

My husband just took a new job with a 50% pay cut to what is basically a starting salary. He did not discuss it with me. I make 3x what he does and will now have to take on a second job to make ends meet.

When we married, he was at an Ivy League grad school and was working on his PhD. But he never applied all of that potential. Now he's hoping to coast through the next 15 years to retirement.

We are seeking different goals. He wants low key, living 2 hours from DC. I want to move in closer, cut down my commute, enjoy the cultural things the city has to offer. But first we need to pay off the $100k of student loans. I'm deeply disappointed it worked out this way.

I'm probably the person you hear bitching about her spouse. Although I feel my grievances are justified, reading this, I feel embarrassed. Gonna put my head down, work more, and muster more bootstraps and all that mumbojumbo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

Ha! My wife openly resents the fact that I'll never get a sniff at making $120k. And I'm the only one in the house who is OK with the chain link fence. I give her the shrug and move on.

I make $140K as a Fed and have over $1 million saved and/or invested and DW constant bitches that I'm a loser. We visit friends with huge houses and she complains that we should have a big house "like that." She wants a new car and wants it to be MB. U don't value either big showy houses not a flashy car. I told her she is more than welcome to these things if she wants to pay for them herself. I'm completely happy with the small house in the close in burbs and a Honda Accord.

People explain the difference in our approach to money as cultural. I am WASP and she is from Eastern Europe. The car and the house are in her culture status symbols. Me? I know status can't be bought.

And I too would be happy with the chain link fence!

First generation OP here. I am thinking that many, many cultures (mine included - considered Middle Eastern by most) think that the U.S. has streets paved with gold. Maybe not literally, but consider pop culture's depiction of the U.S. (ex: The Kardashians, pro ball players and rappers lifestyle, etc.). The message sent is not accurate, but some people are not wise enough to realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just took a new job with a 50% pay cut to what is basically a starting salary. He did not discuss it with me. I make 3x what he does and will now have to take on a second job to make ends meet.

When we married, he was at an Ivy League grad school and was working on his PhD. But he never applied all of that potential. Now he's hoping to coast through the next 15 years to retirement.

We are seeking different goals. He wants low key, living 2 hours from DC. I want to move in closer, cut down my commute, enjoy the cultural things the city has to offer. But first we need to pay off the $100k of student loans. I'm deeply disappointed it worked out this way.

I'm probably the person you hear bitching about her spouse. Although I feel my grievances are justified, reading this, I feel embarrassed. Gonna put my head down, work more, and muster more bootstraps and all that mumbojumbo.

You are not wrong to want more than your husband, but I think it's unfair to expect him to fashion his career to suit your objectives. It sounds like he has a decent job and is happy with a modestly comfortable life.

You should divorce him so you can marry Mr. Big, and he can be with someone who respects him, but ill bet you won't because you don't want him to have the upper hand in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just took a new job with a 50% pay cut to what is basically a starting salary. He did not discuss it with me. I make 3x what he does and will now have to take on a second job to make ends meet.

When we married, he was at an Ivy League grad school and was working on his PhD. But he never applied all of that potential. Now he's hoping to coast through the next 15 years to retirement.

We are seeking different goals. He wants low key, living 2 hours from DC. I want to move in closer, cut down my commute, enjoy the cultural things the city has to offer. But first we need to pay off the $100k of student loans. I'm deeply disappointed it worked out this way.

I'm probably the person you hear bitching about her spouse. Although I feel my grievances are justified, reading this, I feel embarrassed. Gonna put my head down, work more, and muster more bootstraps and all that mumbojumbo.

Did you discuss any of this before you got married? Why do you have to take on a second job (and not him)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is why DH is always asking me if I'm disappointed he isn't interested in becoming partner or didn't work all kinds of extra hours for a larger bonus!

I married my husband because I love him, not for his earning potential. Everyone in my (admittedly small) social circle would rather have their husbands around more than to make more money, same as me.

My husband was in med school when we met. I would not have married him if had wanted to be a surgeon; I wasn't interested in a lot of money and no family life. I didn't tell him that, of course -- I wanted him to pursue his dream -- but if I had thought surgery was his dream, we wouldn't have stayed together very long to begin with.

Now, if he had "underperformed" as a father, I would have been really bitter. That's what I was selecting for; someone who wanted to be a full partner in raising the kids and being a family.