If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with it?

We have been to dinner recently with some couples, and on occasion, it occurred to me (the wife made no secret of it) that the wives were under impressed by their husbands. In one case (not at dinner, obviously) a wife divorced their husband, after he sent her to "grad school" (expensive $50K certificate program that you pay for and they accept you). Since I am not naming names here, and you (presumably) are not, do you think less of women who berate their husbands, or let them know they are disappointed? Or are you a wife that feels that way about their husband? What did/do you do about it? It seems fairly prevalent, so I am curious. Maybe it is just certain cultures (I am not pointing fingers, so don't ask me to name it); and the husbands expect it? It seems sad to me. Do you know anyone who does this?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the husbands are having the same conversation with the other husbands about their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the husbands are having the same conversation with the other husbands about their wives.

OP here. That is what I was thinking. Curious about this mentality.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.

25 years? He worked till your kids were through school, why can't you retire too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.

25 years? He worked till your kids were through school, why can't you retire too?

Because you missed it in your haste to attack.

[Anonymous]

My husband excels professionally. His goal in life seems to be to provide for me and a future family. However, he only wants to have sex once a week which is a huge disappointment. I'm not sure how I didn't realize this before we got married. It's been a huge disappointment. I have an above average sex drive and will feel deprived the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it?

We have been to dinner recently with some couples, and on occasion, it occurred to me (the wife made no secret of it) that the wives were under impressed by their husbands. In one case (not at dinner, obviously) a wife divorced their husband, after he sent her to "grad school" (expensive $50K certificate program that you pay for and they accept you). Since I am not naming names here, and you (presumably) are not, do you think less of women who berate their husbands, or let them know they are disappointed? Or are you a wife that feels that way about their husband? What did/do you do about it? It seems fairly prevalent, so I am curious. Maybe it is just certain cultures (I am not pointing fingers, so don't ask me to name it); and the husbands expect it? It seems sad to me. Do you know anyone who does this?

I'm not sure what you are asking, OP as your writing style is not coherent.

I will say I'm not a fan of spouses who air their dirty laundry in front of friends and family at dinners and gatherings.

My H does things that bother me at times, but I deal with it privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it?

We have been to dinner recently with some couples, and on occasion, it occurred to me (the wife made no secret of it) that the wives were under impressed by their husbands. In one case (not at dinner, obviously) a wife divorced their husband, after he sent her to "grad school" (expensive $50K certificate program that you pay for and they accept you). Since I am not naming names here, and you (presumably) are not, do you think less of women who berate their husbands, or let them know they are disappointed? Or are you a wife that feels that way about their husband? What did/do you do about it? It seems fairly prevalent, so I am curious. Maybe it is just certain cultures (I am not pointing fingers, so don't ask me to name it); and the husbands expect it? It seems sad to me. Do you know anyone who does this?

I'm not sure what you are asking, OP as your writing style is not coherent.

I will say I'm not a fan of spouses who air their dirty laundry in front of friends and family at dinners and gatherings.

My H does things that bother me at times, but I deal with it privately.

The post is about DHs that don't live up to what the wife expected, professionally. That's all. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

Too bad that the man was the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

Too bad that the man was the plan.

Lol -- well yes that's what I want to say, and then I bite my tongue. Reality is the man was a plan for all these women, and then when they got the man and he was a lawyer, they assumed they were set. So there is shock and disappointment when there were expecting their man to make 250k as an associate and $1+ million as a partner and he ends up making $120k in the gov't and all the dreams of living in Manhattan or Park Slope (I'm in NYC) and lunching with the ladies all day are shattered and they're stuck out in Uniondale and turns out the wife ALSO has to deal with the LIRR commute and hold down a 40 hr week job.

[Anonymous]

I think it's tacky as hell to berate/run down your spouse like that, exceptions being with a close friend or sibling, and expressing a general frustration or seeking advice. NO patience at all for spouses constantly belittling each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a PhD in a very good field from a very good university. he worked in his field for less than 25 years and then took early retirement to basically putz around.

I am very disappointed that he let down our family and made me work twice as hard to provide a good living.

However, I love him and would never consider divorcing him.

It was so funny, that my mother worried that I would never marry and needed a man to take care of me. I ended up the opposite and my mother is not the wiser.

Normally I would would correct your Yiddish: futz is the word fand hanging out and puttering. Putz is a word for penis, so he's dicking around". However, given he seems to have unilaterally decided that you should have to work extra hard, I will go with the word you chose.

[Anonymous]

I Can’t Stop Bashing My Husband to Other Moms, and I’m Sorry

http://nymag.com/betamale/2016/06/i-cant-stop-bashing-my-husband-to-other-moms-and-im-sorry.html