If you have high expectations of your spouse, but they have not panned out

[Anonymous]

DH works a notoriously low wage, long hour, high stress job that is often the topic of conversation. I make a lot more but have to be the default parent because his job has no flexibility. Only a couple very close friends know how much this frustrates me but I do get asked all the time about the demands of his job, so I suppose others realize I wish he did something else professionally.

[Anonymous]

I had high expectations of my spouse as a partner and as a father. 10 years later I can definitely say he does not pass the bar. He prefers to be a workaholic and retreat to the safety of his 7am Starbucks and white collar office job than raise and mentor his children or provide spousal support to me.

Screw the paycheck. Especially at these tax rates. You all talk gross income, just cut it in half since that's all you're going to take home after federal, state, city and AMT tax. Then ask yourself if working 60-80+ hours a week at the expense of being a real spouse and father are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I've gotten caught in conversations where wives complain about their DHs professionally (and once where a DH complained about his wife professionally). It's all kinds of awkward and there's nothing a stranger/casual friend can say.

I'm in law, so I always here some variation of -- I married him expecting he'd make biglaw partner and he didn't; I married him expecting that he'd get a biglaw job and now I realize he works for Joe Schmoe & Associates not bc he wants to but bc that's all his T4 degree pedigree gets him - I wish he had been honest; or I never pushed him for partnership but I married him expecting at least 8 yrs of biglaw money that we'd use to pay down/off a house and he "burnt out" in 2 yrs and is now happy in a 120k gov't job -- this isn't what I signed up for to be living out in Lorton.

My question to this would be: And what's your income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is why DH is always asking me if I'm disappointed he isn't interested in becoming partner or didn't work all kinds of extra hours for a larger bonus!

I married my husband because I love him, not for his earning potential. Everyone in my (admittedly small) social circle would rather have their husbands around more than to make more money, same as me.

Mine, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had high expectations of my spouse as a partner and as a father. 10 years later I can definitely say he does not pass the bar. He prefers to be a workaholic and retreat to the safety of his 7am Starbucks and white collar office job than raise and mentor his children or provide spousal support to me.

Screw the paycheck. Especially at these tax rates. You all talk gross income, just cut it in half since that's all you're going to take home after federal, state, city and AMT tax. Then ask yourself if working 60-80+ hours a week at the expense of being a real spouse and father are worth it.

Men who work these kinds of hours, at jobs that they don't like, are fools (assuming they have a choice).

Half of them end up divorced, with their wife getting a fat alimony check, due to the income disparity (even though he arguably sacrificed more by working long hours). Their children typically resent them because they weren't around. Mom gets to be the long-suffering martyr, who "sacrificed" her career. These guys waste a big chunk of their life at a job that they don't even like, only to end up broke in the end, with no family, ruined health from a poor work/life balance, and, ultimately, no one cares about their hard work, anyway.

Work-life balance, for the win.