Ex's New Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was going to happen eventually. DD loves my ex's GF to pieces and vice versa. Be glad that they're not dealing with someone who treats them poorly or does t want them around. I have been that kid before and it's not a good feeling.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad that posters are giving me this to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you dating?

I've been on a few dates in the past year but I have not been out lately. Right now it takes way too much energy to date between work and the kids, so I need to cut out something and that something is dating. Maybe soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. You sound so grounded. I would have a hard time too, even though in some twisted way I would feel happy that my kids were happy. Your kids are having a similar experience because their connection to her must feel like a betrayal to you.

It sounds like you are just trying to make the best of a situation nobody wants. I would look into a divorce support group so you can share this kind of stuff with other women who won't keep reminding you to be happy. New Beginnings has groups, as does JSSA. Good luck!

Exactly, I love my kids to pieces and in no way do I want them to feel bad or guilty. I want to grieve and get through missing them and feeling like I'm mourning. It's just hard. SO HARD. I miss them all the time I'm not with them. Divorce sucks. And it hurts not to be with them 100% of the time. That's all. And my ex lies to me so I don't know what's going on and I hate to put the kids in the middle, which I don't do directly, the little one just mostly tells me. His GF shouldn't be spending the night when the kids are there, we've discussed and decided it wasn't appropriate. Just kills me for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I am supposed to just be thankful she's nice to my kids and move on? It sucks.

Yes. From personal experience, I know this is incredibly hard, but yes, as a responsible adult, this is exactly what you are supposed to do and need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am supposed to just be thankful she's nice to my kids and move on? It sucks.

Yes. From personal experience, I know this is incredibly hard, but yes, as a responsible adult, this is exactly what you are supposed to do and need to do.

Especially because there's nothing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

New mommy a hit!
http://www.theonion.com/article/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier-1512

[Anonymous]

It's okay to feel a little hurt, but you will get over it. If your kids are able to open their hearts to the new women in dad's life, it shows that you have raised well-adjusted secure children. It in no way diminishes their love for you.

The way I look at it is this. If my kids like the woman that their dad is with, their lives will be so much better than if they hated the new woman. It's hard for any step parent to adjust to having a new family, but you would ideally like one that enjoys your kids and is willing to try to build a good relationship with them.

My ex is dating a woman who does not want to be around our son. While she is pleasant to him, she makes sure that they take family vacations with her kids (and exclude HIS kids). It makes for a pretty terrible dynamic because my son feels excluded and pushed aside.

There is no easy way to adjust. You just have to go through it. Remember, the better your kids handle the adjustment to dad's new woman, the better they will handle the adjustment when you find a new man.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

FWIW, I'm a stepmom and the kids came into my life when they were about your children's age. We did do some fun stuff together but I was also reallllly careful not to step on their mom's toes. In the long run, I feel like this hurt my long term relationship with them and I regret being so cautious in the beginning. Our relationship now is totally fine but not as close as I wish it was (they're all teens and twenties now) because of how much I held back in the beginning. So, maybe if you look at it as laying a foundation that will be very important for if she sticks around for the long haul it might help a little? I know it's got to be tough though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

FWIW, I'm a stepmom and the kids came into my life when they were about your children's age. We did do some fun stuff together but I was also reallllly careful not to step on their mom's toes. In the long run, I feel like this hurt my long term relationship with them and I regret being so cautious in the beginning. Our relationship now is totally fine but not as close as I wish it was (they're all teens and twenties now) because of how much I held back in the beginning. So, maybe if you look at it as laying a foundation that will be very important for if she sticks around for the long haul it might help a little? I know it's got to be tough though.

I appreciate this insight. In my situation this woman is not a stepmom, the ex is just dating her so a little different. I don't see marriage in their future per him, but he isn't always truthful, so who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to feel a little hurt, but you will get over it. If your kids are able to open their hearts to the new women in dad's life, it shows that you have raised well-adjusted secure children. It in no way diminishes their love for you.

The way I look at it is this. If my kids like the woman that their dad is with, their lives will be so much better than if they hated the new woman. It's hard for any step parent to adjust to having a new family, but you would ideally like one that enjoys your kids and is willing to try to build a good relationship with them.

My ex is dating a woman who does not want to be around our son. While she is pleasant to him, she makes sure that they take family vacations with her kids (and exclude HIS kids). It makes for a pretty terrible dynamic because my son feels excluded and pushed aside.

There is no easy way to adjust. You just have to go through it. Remember, the better your kids handle the adjustment to dad's new woman, the better they will handle the adjustment when you find a new man.

Maybe she is staying with her family who want to see her kids. What if your ex husband wants to only spend some time with your son one on one, are you going to say her kids are being excluded?

Doing separate things is ok since there are two households. I'm sure you can take your son on vacation, and he does fun stuff that doesn't include the other kids. Also, she's just a gf; so she has no obligation whatsoever to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

FWIW, I'm a stepmom and the kids came into my life when they were about your children's age. We did do some fun stuff together but I was also reallllly careful not to step on their mom's toes. In the long run, I feel like this hurt my long term relationship with them and I regret being so cautious in the beginning. Our relationship now is totally fine but not as close as I wish it was (they're all teens and twenties now) because of how much I held back in the beginning. So, maybe if you look at it as laying a foundation that will be very important for if she sticks around for the long haul it might help a little? I know it's got to be tough though.

I appreciate this insight. In my situation this woman is not a stepmom, the ex is just dating her so a little different. I don't see marriage in their future per him, but he isn't always truthful, so who knows.

PP here - sorry...I figured if they'd been dating a year already that maybe they were talking marriage. I didn't meet my husband's children until we knew we were headed toward marriage so I guess that's where we differ.

[Anonymous]

My ex recently told me he plans to introduce our son to his GF. It stung. It probably will sting until I get used to it. I totally get it.

On the other hand, my son has a good relationship with the guy I've been seeing. Nobody would ever think that guy was even remotely replacing Daddy. He gives gifts and plays with him, but he doesn't stay over when DS is here and the visits are short, so we don't pretend to be a family. DS still begs to see him.

I think it's possible for the kids to really appreciate the relationship (and talk about it) even if the actual interactions aren't that intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm my husband's kids' "other woman" and I try to be very sensitive. That said, would you rather they hate her or she be horrible to them? I always try to think about how I would want my kids to be treated if for whatever reason their dad ended up with someone else. Also, some of the "fun" stuff will wear off: she's probably putting in a lot of effort right now. As time goes on, especially if she gets pregnant, she won't have time to put in so much effort.

I'd just add to this that, if you think about it, would you really not want your kids to talk to you about it? The fact that they do mean they feel close enough to you to tell you about it and confident that you won't be upset about it. Its an indication your relationship with them is strong. I'd be more concerned if they felt like they needed to hide their relationship with her from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm my husband's kids' "other woman" and I try to be very sensitive. That said, would you rather they hate her or she be horrible to them? I always try to think about how I would want my kids to be treated if for whatever reason their dad ended up with someone else. Also, some of the "fun" stuff will wear off: she's probably putting in a lot of effort right now. As time goes on, especially if she gets pregnant, she won't have time to put in so much effort.

I'd just add to this that, if you think about it, would you really not want your kids to talk to you about it? The fact that they do mean they feel close enough to you to tell you about it and confident that you won't be upset about it. Its an indication your relationship with them is strong. I'd be more concerned if they felt like they needed to hide their relationship with her from you.

Now they are starting to not want to talk about it and I think it has to do with dad telling them not to mention it to me.

[Anonymous]

I will make a voodoo doll and poke it a lot. You're welcome. And this: children know. They get the Disney Dad mess and the real mama love. Not to worry. You're feelings are valid and spot on. I'll poke the doll for him and for her. Hug your children hard. You're doing right. And applause to you from this mom.