Ex's New Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Don't really have a question but wanted to say that it is really bumming me out that my kids are talking about their father's new girlfriend. I know it shouldn't, but it does. Stuff she buys them, that they went out to eat, that she was with them at a baseball game... How do you cope or adjust to your kids getting close to another woman or possible mom figure and is it okay for it to hurt a little? My kids aren't that young, but not too old either... 6 and 10. I know that i am mom and I will always be mom, but damn, I wasn't ready to feel so left out and so sad.

It's not that dad has a new woman, it's that my kids have someone other than me.

[Anonymous]

Just remember: Now she has to put up with his bullshit while you get to enjoy your life without his ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember: Now she has to put up with his bullshit while you get to enjoy your life without his ass.

Oh, he hasn't shown his true colors to her yet. They don't live together either, so it's all fun and games when they get together... no real life stuff.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh of course it's ok to hurt a little. And natural. I'm sorry. I'm a step mom and tried so hard not to step on toes. It's a balancing act between wanting kids to be engaged and happy while they are with their dad and trying not to act like I'm trying to take over. I try to take more of an "aunt"'role. A caring adult who wants the best for them. But not a mom figure. With any luck the girlfriend is similar. Especially as a girlfriend and not as a live-in partner.

If she's mature and emotionally healthy in general, please try to be happy. It could be so much worse. Those kids will never love anyone as reply and as fiercely as they love you.

[Anonymous]

I'm my husband's kids' "other woman" and I try to be very sensitive. That said, would you rather they hate her or she be horrible to them? I always try to think about how I would want my kids to be treated if for whatever reason their dad ended up with someone else. Also, some of the "fun" stuff will wear off: she's probably putting in a lot of effort right now. As time goes on, especially if she gets pregnant, she won't have time to put in so much effort.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's normal for it to hurt somewhat. But the truth is, the more people in the world who care about your kids, the better off they are.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, your feelings are normal and it is good to recognize and work through them.
I guess to help, try thinking of it as your DCs now have another supportive and nurturing adult in their lives who is providing more than they would get from Dad alone. Better to have the supportive and nurturing person in their lives vs if ex were dating someone who didn't like or was not good with kids. Since your DCs are mentioning the new girlfriend, would seem the interactions have been positive so far.
Not that this makes it any easier. But you will always be mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm my husband's kids' "other woman" and I try to be very sensitive. That said, would you rather they hate her or she be horrible to them? I always try to think about how I would want my kids to be treated if for whatever reason their dad ended up with someone else. Also, some of the "fun" stuff will wear off: she's probably putting in a lot of effort right now. As time goes on, especially if she gets pregnant, she won't have time to put in so much effort.

What a thoughtful response.

[Anonymous]

Try to think of her as his sister, an auntie type. Not a mom.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean new gf? If he's exposing someone he just met then I would have a problem with that. Did you guys stipulate when dating you won't subject the kids to that until it's serious?

Right now I would make sure she's not allowed to babysit them if he's not around because you don't know her. I wouldn't care what or who that joker dates, BUT my kids would be another matter.

[Anonymous]

Just think how great it is that he's seeing someone who is nice to your kids. Like you got a good teacher at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean new gf? If he's exposing someone he just met then I would have a problem with that. Did you guys stipulate when dating you won't subject the kids to that until it's serious?

Right now I would make sure she's not allowed to babysit them if he's not around because you don't know her. I wouldn't care what or who that joker dates, BUT my kids would be another matter.

I did flip out when I found out she had been spending the night. He pretty much blew me off. I think they've been dating a year, going on a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean new gf? If he's exposing someone he just met then I would have a problem with that. Did you guys stipulate when dating you won't subject the kids to that until it's serious?

Right now I would make sure she's not allowed to babysit them if he's not around because you don't know her. I wouldn't care what or who that joker dates, BUT my kids would be another matter.

I did flip out when I found out she had been spending the night. He pretty much blew me off. I think they've been dating a year, going on a year?

When did she start coming around or sleeping over? So I'm assuming you've already checked her out online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean new gf? If he's exposing someone he just met then I would have a problem with that. Did you guys stipulate when dating you won't subject the kids to that until it's serious?

Right now I would make sure she's not allowed to babysit them if he's not around because you don't know her. I wouldn't care what or who that joker dates, BUT my kids would be another matter.

I did flip out when I found out she had been spending the night. He pretty much blew me off. I think they've been dating a year, going on a year?

When did she start coming around or sleeping over? So I'm assuming you've already checked her out online.

She works with him. They do not live together or even remotely close and I actually do not know when she started coming around because my ex lied to me about it. I asked him outright and he said she was not staying at his house, then I asked the kids and they said she was. He took her with on a vacation they went on, again he told me she wasn't going with, later the kids said she was there... but my hands are tied, what can I really do other than complain to him that I do not like it? It puts the kids in a crappy position that I'm asking them if "anyone else was there" and that dad is telling them not to tell me. So...

And of COURSE I appreciate that this person is treating my children well, that is not why I am posting and it's not the point. It still hurts and it's still a process to grieve through. I am supposed to just be thankful she's nice to my kids and move on? It sucks. IT SUCKS. It sucks she's posting shit online that she can't wait to give them hugs (on school booster donation campaigns), it sucks they go out to dinner for my kids' birthdays, it just hurts. That's all.

I'll get over it and I am mom and I know my kids love me, but I wasn't prepared for my youngest to say "look what I got from Miss Sarah!" and for it to feel so strange for her gift to be included in the list of family gifts that he loved. And for her to be there with them on vacation.

She can have my ex, but my kids,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean new gf? If he's exposing someone he just met then I would have a problem with that. Did you guys stipulate when dating you won't subject the kids to that until it's serious?

Right now I would make sure she's not allowed to babysit them if he's not around because you don't know her. I wouldn't care what or who that joker dates, BUT my kids would be another matter.

I did flip out when I found out she had been spending the night. He pretty much blew me off. I think they've been dating a year, going on a year?

When did she start coming around or sleeping over? So I'm assuming you've already checked her out online.

She works with him. They do not live together or even remotely close and I actually do not know when she started coming around because my ex lied to me about it. I asked him outright and he said she was not staying at his house, then I asked the kids and they said she was. He took her with on a vacation they went on, again he told me she wasn't going with, later the kids said she was there... but my hands are tied, what can I really do other than complain to him that I do not like it? It puts the kids in a crappy position that I'm asking them if "anyone else was there" and that dad is telling them not to tell me. So...

And of COURSE I appreciate that this person is treating my children well, that is not why I am posting and it's not the point. It still hurts and it's still a process to grieve through. I am supposed to just be thankful she's nice to my kids and move on? It sucks. IT SUCKS. It sucks she's posting shit online that she can't wait to give them hugs (on school booster donation campaigns), it sucks they go out to dinner for my kids' birthdays, it just hurts. That's all.

I'll get over it and I am mom and I know my kids love me, but I wasn't prepared for my youngest to say "look what I got from Miss Sarah!" and for it to feel so strange for her gift to be included in the list of family gifts that he loved. And for her to be there with them on vacation.

She can have my ex, but my kids,

AS long as she's responsible, but honestly it's suspicious she's posting that stuff online. I'm assuming you're not one of her FB friends so she did it publicly so I'm wondering if a lot of it is for show..the father...their friends...etc. to fit in. I would just talk positive about her to your kids if they say something otherwise I wouldn't mention dad or gf to them. You should start dating yourself and it may help you get over all this stuff.

I think you need to stop talking to your ex except very sparingly and maybe by text about the kids. Yes it's hard but you have to force yourself, you're too involved in what they do. Certainly don't let him see it bothers you, or ask about her.