New coworker made rude comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New coworker just started Monday. He was discussing an issue with the woman who shares my two cube area, an issue that was actually my project. I waited until an appropriate time and said, "Hey, actually, I have some information on that, blah, blah, blah." Really short sentence. My new coworker replied, "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?"

I didn't interrupt, and didn't do anything that's culturally frowned upon in my company and especially our department. I'm kind of at a loss here - I hate having an adversarial relationship with coworkers, but I feel like I have one with him now. And he's brand new! How do I fix this?

The three of you sound like losers.

Get a new career.

Kind of agree with this.

Wow, two people jealous of others with jobs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.

This - you should have said something at the time.

Basically, it's like a prison. He went in and punched someone to show he's a badass. You didn't knife him back - so you showed you are soft. You had your chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clerk thing is because we're short staffed and I'd been picking up on admin work - no one else would, so I stepped up. I'm an engineer with two degrees in engineering.

I'm actually starting to wonder if this is a gender thing, since both the culprits (rude new coworker and newish coworker who thinks I'm solely a clerk) are older men.

I think this is a bigger contributor to this than you think. I understand why you did it, because I've done it before as well, but it always bites me in the arse eventually. I work in a very male dominated company and I've learned to be incredibly careful to not volunteer for any "admin" or otherwise traditionally "female" work because I need the men I work with to respect me and take me seriously.

The next time a person, any person, introduces you as a clerk, shut it down and tell them they are mistaken and give them your actual title. It's shitty because clerks and admins deserve as much respect as anyone else but clearly these people don't and you need them to respect YOU!

Also, strongly recommend you stop taking on any admin duties or anything not directly your job that could be seen as admin or "women's work" (in the charming words of one of the jackasses I work with) because it just feeds into their disrespect of you.

Finally, never underestimate the power of an immediate "Pardon me?" and a concerned look when someone says anything as nasty as your idiot coworker.

This is very well said. You are awesome to volunteer but boy does that come back to bite you (in terms of r-e-s-p-e-c-t). Pardon me would have been great. Use it if it ever happens again (and I'm going to keep it in my back pocket too).

+3 Stop doing the admin work. I am in a male dominated environment and I've actually said no when someone wanted to "volunteer" me to do admin work. There's another woman in our office and she loves doing all the extra tasks including making coffee for our weekly meetings. It kind of makes me look down on her, although I would never hint at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clerk thing is because we're short staffed and I'd been picking up on admin work - no one else would, so I stepped up. I'm an engineer with two degrees in engineering.

I'm actually starting to wonder if this is a gender thing, since both the culprits (rude new coworker and newish coworker who thinks I'm solely a clerk) are older men.

I think this is a bigger contributor to this than you think. I understand why you did it, because I've done it before as well, but it always bites me in the arse eventually. I work in a very male dominated company and I've learned to be incredibly careful to not volunteer for any "admin" or otherwise traditionally "female" work because I need the men I work with to respect me and take me seriously.

The next time a person, any person, introduces you as a clerk, shut it down and tell them they are mistaken and give them your actual title. It's shitty because clerks and admins deserve as much respect as anyone else but clearly these people don't and you need them to respect YOU!

Also, strongly recommend you stop taking on any admin duties or anything not directly your job that could be seen as admin or "women's work" (in the charming words of one of the jackasses I work with) because it just feeds into their disrespect of you.

Finally, never underestimate the power of an immediate "Pardon me?" and a concerned look when someone says anything as nasty as your idiot coworker.

This is very well said. You are awesome to volunteer but boy does that come back to bite you (in terms of r-e-s-p-e-c-t). Pardon me would have been great. Use it if it ever happens again (and I'm going to keep it in my back pocket too).

+3 Stop doing the admin work. I am in a male dominated environment and I've actually said no when someone wanted to "volunteer" me to do admin work. There's another woman in our office and she loves doing all the extra tasks including making coffee for our weekly meetings. It kind of makes me look down on her, although I would never hint at it.

Same here! I have specifically told my younger female coworkers to stop doing this BS. There aren't secretaries anymore and men need to learn how to do their own filing. It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New coworker just started Monday. He was discussing an issue with the woman who shares my two cube area, an issue that was actually my project. I waited until an appropriate time and said, "Hey, actually, I have some information on that, blah, blah, blah." Really short sentence. My new coworker replied, "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?"

I didn't interrupt, and didn't do anything that's culturally frowned upon in my company and especially our department. I'm kind of at a loss here - I hate having an adversarial relationship with coworkers, but I feel like I have one with him now. And he's brand new! How do I fix this?

The three of you sound like losers.

Get a new career.

Kind of agree with this.

Wow, two people jealous of others with jobs!

Lol. I am a nurse practitioner.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the administrative work.

If you act like a subordinate they will treat you like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.

This - you should have said something at the time.

Basically, it's like a prison. He went in and punched someone to show he's a badass. You didn't knife him back - so you showed you are soft. You had your chance.

I could be wrong, but I think this PP is onto something. You said yourself "I was pretty embarrassed and put my nose back to the grindstone."

Are you a mousy person? Someone who cares what others think of her and gets embarrassed when it's the other person who should be embarrassed?
If so, I don't think confronting this guy will work because you might not get the right tone and he may take it as you being sensitive and unable to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Also, you can always tell when young women are posting here - they begin and end all their posts with "LOL or HAHAHA" and "sorry"

Don't apologize and don't giggle. You aren't a fucking child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.

"Taking charge" =/= being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.

"Taking charge" =/= being rude.

+1. On the other hand, with these alpha bros, you do need to be rude/super assertive right back or they will just keep doing it. He was rude and you're going to have to body check him into the boards sooner rather than later if you want him to knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was rude.

As awkward and uncomfortable as it is, I would confront him.

Perhaps you could take this approach:

"Larlo, I don't think we were properly introduced. I'm X position, and I'm actually on the project you were discussing with Larla the other day. We like to take a team approach here."

And then leave it at that. That way, you establish that you aren't a clerk, that you are on that project, and that he's expected to work with you. But you avoid getting into a petty argument about whether or not he was rude.

It's possible he thought you were rude, interjecting in a conversation. The last thing you want to do is get into a petty squabble about who was being rude.

The main thing is you want to clear up any confusion about your role there and your involvement in the project and make sure he understands that he'll have to work with you.

I think this is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.

"Taking charge" =/= being rude.

Part of the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was rude.

As awkward and uncomfortable as it is, I would confront him.

Perhaps you could take this approach:

"Larlo, I don't think we were properly introduced. I'm X position, and I'm actually on the project you were discussing with Larla the other day. We like to take a team approach here."

And then leave it at that. That way, you establish that you aren't a clerk, that you are on that project, and that he's expected to work with you. But you avoid getting into a petty argument about whether or not he was rude.

It's possible he thought you were rude, interjecting in a conversation. The last thing you want to do is get into a petty squabble about who was being rude.

The main thing is you want to clear up any confusion about your role there and your involvement in the project and make sure he understands that he'll have to work with you.

I think this is perfect.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you can always tell when young women are posting here - they begin and end all their posts with "LOL or HAHAHA" and "sorry"

Don't apologize and don't giggle. You aren't a fucking child.

This!

[Anonymous]

OP back finally. First, I'm not sure where the comments about us being losers came from - I work in R&D for a company whose aircraft you've probably flown on. No new career necessary.

Second, I talked to my manager today and let him know I was going to have to back off the admin work a bit. I didn't tell him why, but he knows I'm overworked and I'm sure assumed it's a workload issue. It's really hard because I like to take on work, but you all are right, I shouldn't be taking on admin work as a younger (as if I feel young at 35) woman.

New coworker was not in today, so I bought myself some time to decide if and what to say to him. You all gave me great ideas on that as well.