New coworker made rude comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

I would address this head on, because he's a new worker.

I would get him alone, reference this earlier conversation, and say that the topic at hand was actually your project. That you were offended by his lack of grace when he said: "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?" .

Your words should be simple yet blunt. Your demeanor should be calm, your voice clear. Stand up straight, but don't be aggressive. Look him in the eye, but don't glare.

You have to get him to respect you, and not let this fester between you. He has to apologize.

I agree with some of this. Not the "offended by his lack of grace". That sounds too personal. Rather, he needs to get comfortable with your department's culture, and fast. The issue isn't with you (feeling offended), it's with him (he was dismissive of your input, disrespectful of your role as project leader, and his communication wasn't in line with the way the four of you operate).

When your co-worker didn't notice his comment but echoed what you'd just said, did this guy seem to listen to the content of the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

I would address this head on, because he's a new worker.

I would get him alone, reference this earlier conversation, and say that the topic at hand was actually your project. That you were offended by his lack of grace when he said: "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?" .

Your words should be simple yet blunt. Your demeanor should be calm, your voice clear. Stand up straight, but don't be aggressive. Look him in the eye, but don't glare.

You have to get him to respect you, and not let this fester between you. He has to apologize.

I agree with some of this. Not the "offended by his lack of grace". That sounds too personal. Rather, he needs to get comfortable with your department's culture, and fast. The issue isn't with you (feeling offended), it's with him (he was dismissive of your input, disrespectful of your role as project leader, and his communication wasn't in line with the way the four of you operate).

When your co-worker didn't notice his comment but echoed what you'd just said, did this guy seem to listen to the content of the point?

Not sure. I was pretty embarrassed and put my nose back to the grindstone.

I agree his ignorance of the culture is the problem.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there may be a bigger problem in terms of the lack of respect you seem to get at work. This person most likely heard some trash talk from someone and felt empowered to be rude to you. Be polite, but don't put up with it, as others have explained.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a jerk. Does he not know who you are? Next time don't try to volunteer to be helpful to him. I'd probably let this go and hope it's a one-off, but if he does it again you should say something pleasant, professional, and firm. "Chris, you're new here and maybe you're unfamiliar with the culture at this place, but it's common for us all to XYZ [whatever applies to the circumstance]. It's also a workplace where people are courteous to each other. [pause] Now, feel free to let me know if you have questions about ABC." End conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a jerk. Does he not know who you are? Next time don't try to volunteer to be helpful to him. I'd probably let this go and hope it's a one-off, but if he does it again you should say something pleasant, professional, and firm. "Chris, you're new here and maybe you're unfamiliar with the culture at this place, but it's common for us all to XYZ [whatever applies to the circumstance]. It's also a workplace where people are courteous to each other. [pause] Now, feel free to let me know if you have questions about ABC." End conversation.

We were introduced, but when he heard the next newest guy calling me a clerk, I'm guessing his respect level took a dip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

I would address this head on, because he's a new worker.

I would get him alone, reference this earlier conversation, and say that the topic at hand was actually your project. That you were offended by his lack of grace when he said: "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?" .

Your words should be simple yet blunt. Your demeanor should be calm, your voice clear. Stand up straight, but don't be aggressive. Look him in the eye, but don't glare.

You have to get him to respect you, and not let this fester between you. He has to apologize.

Oddly, his predecessor had zero respect for me, because I was 24 when I started, just out of school and he'd been around 30 years. Seriously, the guy made it known every chance he could. I hated it, and was pretty happy at the prospect of a replacement until this happened.

I'm the PP you replied to. I look young for my age and I'm usually quiet and polite - this makes it easy for people to underestimate me! Perhaps you are like this too, but trust me, from experience, I know that what you say and how you say it is what earns you respect. Do not sweep this under the rug, otherwise he will learn that he can treat you like this all the time (like toddlers and dogs). You have to tell him that this warrants an apology, that his remark was uncalled for. He may react in a variety of ways, but all you have to do is keep calm and look at him until he wilts.

What if he doesn't remember it? I also look young for my age, and another newish coworker referred to me as a clerk the other day to him (I'm not a clerk), so I wonder if that was part of the problem.

You will make him remember it by repeating his phrase to him. If he disrespects you because you were designated as a clerk, then it's even more awful if him, but this is not the issue at hand here. Don't talk too fast, and make sure you have his full attention.

"Hi Matt, I glad you here.
I wanted to talk to you about what you said on Monday when you were talking to Judy.
Since I'm responsible for project X, I interjected that I had data available. You turned to me and said "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?"

Pause to let it sink in, perhaps he takes this opportunity to apologize but if not -

Then say that it's not appropriate for him to use this kind of language, etc...

[Anonymous]

The clerk thing is because we're short staffed and I'd been picking up on admin work - no one else would, so I stepped up. I'm an engineer with two degrees in engineering.

I'm actually starting to wonder if this is a gender thing, since both the culprits (rude new coworker and newish coworker who thinks I'm solely a clerk) are older men.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him.

I would say something like

"Larlo, I just wanted to follow up with you. We take a pretty strong team approach here. [pause -- see if this is enough to trigger an apology]

If not

"I was a little surprised that you responded so negatively to my joining the conversation you had in my office with Larlette about the Widget Program. Can you explain where you might be coming from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will make him remember it by repeating his phrase to him. If he disrespects you because you were designated as a clerk, then it's even more awful if him, but this is not the issue at hand here. Don't talk too fast, and make sure you have his full attention.

"Hi Matt, I glad you here.
I wanted to talk to you about what you said on Monday when you were talking to Judy.
Since I'm responsible for project X, I interjected that I had data available. You turned to me and said "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?"

Pause to let it sink in, perhaps he takes this opportunity to apologize but if not -

Then say that it's not appropriate for him to use this kind of language, etc...

I'd go with this. There's no squirming out of it. Practice your delivery in front of a mirror if you have to, but this wording here is perfect.

[Anonymous]

I had a coworker go off on me on her first day. She was really out of line and I almost thought about going to HR (I was screamed at and she banged repeatedly on my desk). I let it go. 4 years later and she hasn't repeated the crazy. I think sometimes there's a lot of pressure on new employees and they act out.

[Anonymous]

He was rude.

As awkward and uncomfortable as it is, I would confront him.

Perhaps you could take this approach:

"Larlo, I don't think we were properly introduced. I'm X position, and I'm actually on the project you were discussing with Larla the other day. We like to take a team approach here."

And then leave it at that. That way, you establish that you aren't a clerk, that you are on that project, and that he's expected to work with you. But you avoid getting into a petty argument about whether or not he was rude.

It's possible he thought you were rude, interjecting in a conversation. The last thing you want to do is get into a petty squabble about who was being rude.

The main thing is you want to clear up any confusion about your role there and your involvement in the project and make sure he understands that he'll have to work with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The clerk thing is because we're short staffed and I'd been picking up on admin work - no one else would, so I stepped up. I'm an engineer with two degrees in engineering.

I'm actually starting to wonder if this is a gender thing, since both the culprits (rude new coworker and newish coworker who thinks I'm solely a clerk) are older men.

I think this is a bigger contributor to this than you think. I understand why you did it, because I've done it before as well, but it always bites me in the arse eventually. I work in a very male dominated company and I've learned to be incredibly careful to not volunteer for any "admin" or otherwise traditionally "female" work because I need the men I work with to respect me and take me seriously.

The next time a person, any person, introduces you as a clerk, shut it down and tell them they are mistaken and give them your actual title. It's shitty because clerks and admins deserve as much respect as anyone else but clearly these people don't and you need them to respect YOU!

Also, strongly recommend you stop taking on any admin duties or anything not directly your job that could be seen as admin or "women's work" (in the charming words of one of the jackasses I work with) because it just feeds into their disrespect of you.

Finally, never underestimate the power of an immediate "Pardon me?" and a concerned look when someone says anything as nasty as your idiot coworker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clerk thing is because we're short staffed and I'd been picking up on admin work - no one else would, so I stepped up. I'm an engineer with two degrees in engineering.

I'm actually starting to wonder if this is a gender thing, since both the culprits (rude new coworker and newish coworker who thinks I'm solely a clerk) are older men.

I think this is a bigger contributor to this than you think. I understand why you did it, because I've done it before as well, but it always bites me in the arse eventually. I work in a very male dominated company and I've learned to be incredibly careful to not volunteer for any "admin" or otherwise traditionally "female" work because I need the men I work with to respect me and take me seriously.

The next time a person, any person, introduces you as a clerk, shut it down and tell them they are mistaken and give them your actual title. It's shitty because clerks and admins deserve as much respect as anyone else but clearly these people don't and you need them to respect YOU!

Also, strongly recommend you stop taking on any admin duties or anything not directly your job that could be seen as admin or "women's work" (in the charming words of one of the jackasses I work with) because it just feeds into their disrespect of you.

Finally, never underestimate the power of an immediate "Pardon me?" and a concerned look when someone says anything as nasty as your idiot coworker.

This is very well said. You are awesome to volunteer but boy does that come back to bite you (in terms of r-e-s-p-e-c-t). Pardon me would have been great. Use it if it ever happens again (and I'm going to keep it in my back pocket too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New coworker just started Monday. He was discussing an issue with the woman who shares my two cube area, an issue that was actually my project. I waited until an appropriate time and said, "Hey, actually, I have some information on that, blah, blah, blah." Really short sentence. My new coworker replied, "Hey, this is a conversation with her, ok?"

I didn't interrupt, and didn't do anything that's culturally frowned upon in my company and especially our department. I'm kind of at a loss here - I hate having an adversarial relationship with coworkers, but I feel like I have one with him now. And he's brand new! How do I fix this?

The three of you sound like losers.

Get a new career.

Kind of agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say but you need thicker skin. From his point of view, he could be thinking you are trying to 'lead' the project (i.e. get credit for helping the new guy). As a new hire, he probably wants to prove he can take charge, show initiative, all on his own.