Cultural Differences, planning 2 wedding receptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you have the wedding/reception in between your two cities. So 1 hour for each side?

A hotel would definitely be the best venue. No need to worry about drinking and driving, guests can enjoy the evening and walk to their rooms. Those that are late nighters can enjoy part and call it a night in their hotel room or drive home.

If this is not possible then I would either offer to pay for hotel rooms of guests coming from out of town or block off some rooms at a nearby hotel with discounted rates for them to have the option to stay in. Even if you paid for their rooms it would still be cheaper than having 2 receptions.

A short two hour drive is not worth inconveniencing everyone for.

Have it in your hometown. They can travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

The major difference is that both parentals are adamant about food.

Chinese side has a lot of cultural dishes, and a very different serving style. The PP who has attended a chinese wedding reception probably understands what I mean. There's usually 12 dishes over 4-5 courses, and the festivities are very different. The ILs are also expected to gift jewelry of gold and/or diamonds to the bride. I do NOT want to ask or even bring this up with my future ILs.

Caucasian side has a lot of traditional polish food the ILs would like to see represented and serve, and adamant about plating everything.

To the PP who asked how our marriage and raising kids would work out? Well for starters my BF and I are in agreement about everything when it comes to having a family. We will honor both sides of our roots and the future kids will know about the Polish and Chinese traditions that are important to us. Both sets of parentals are on board with the marriage and wedding and has no reservations.

We cannot afford to pay for hotel rooms for the guests from out of town. It's just no in the budget. Discounted rate for a hotel would be possible if we have a hotel reception. We have discussed the idea of venues other than hotel though such as a winery or a old mansion that can cater food and host the reception. We have also considered locations closer to a midway point for the 2 families, but honestly the mid point is in the middle of Bumblefuckistan so it's not going to happen.

Church wedding
chinese tea ceremony
chinese cocktails with several different dishes
polish plated dinner
drinks, dancing, more drinking.

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like you're planning two ceremonies (church wedding + Chinese tea ceremony) plus two receptions? That is way to much.

OP, I sympathize with you. My husband and I are two different religions and two different races. We held both religious ceremonies (one in the morning, one early afternoon) and an evening reception. That was a lot to take on in one day. You're proposing even more.

My take is that the wedding ceremonies is the most important part - so fulfill both your & your fiance's requirements fully on that. The reception is effectively a party. Yes, there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in what happens there, but compromise. Now is the time in your family life for you & fiance to be a united front, hear out what others want, and then do what works for your marriage.

In terms of venues, we rented out a local community center. It wasn't fancy at all, but my MIL took charge of decorations, brought beautiful fabrics from her home country and covered up all the cork boards. When that was up and all the flowers were in - you couldn't recognize it at all. It was beautiful. And it was cheap, allowed outside catering, but didn't allow liquor, which worked for us.

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry, different cultures I meant to say. Race too I guess, but not the point of the thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you and your families need to learn how to compromise. Here's the solution (trust me, I've been to a million multi-cultural ceremonies of various cultures):

Venue: Two options. Either Western ceremony at a hotel and Chinese ceremony at a banquet hall OR both ceremonies at a hotel. If you do option a, then your in-laws have to pay for the western ceremony + reception.

AM: Western ceremony
LUNCH: Polish lunch hosted by your in-laws

2 hour break for pictures/hotel ballroom changeover/your guests can relax for a bit

PM: Chinese ceremony
DINNER: Chinese banquet

OR
do it over a 3 day weekend

Friday night: Polish
Saturday night: Chinese

Do whatever, but skip the two-hour break. Those suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

That was what I asked BF, but we have not found any hotels that allows this locally. Still looking though so I have hope.

What is it that the hotel won't allow?

The 4 hotels we have asked do not allow outside catering so to bring in 2 different types of food for cocktail reception and then main course would not be possible. We would have to find another venue (hence we're looking at a winery option, but increases distance and travel time for both parties) that would allow outside catering and wouldn't care how we organize it.

We are planning everything and doing everything ourselves with our wedding party so there's no wedding planner to help us coordinate everything.

20:30, Thanks. I really like that idea and will run that by BF later this week and see how it goes over. Maybe Mom and FMIL will be on board with that as it would be honoring both sides and allows 1 reception.

Whoever was the PP that asked about expenses. If there were 2 receptions, my parents would pay for the chinese one because 90% would be there friends that they "just have to have" at the reception. It's a total status thing. If I had a reception where both sides of the families were invited at the same time, my parents wouldn't be able to have all their friends there because a. we would be paying for it ourselves, and b. it would not be possible to host that many people without blowing our budget.

If you had one big reception with nods to both cultures, would the parents kick in for what they would have been willing to pay for a separate reception? That way you could invite all the friends and family from both sides, with all coming together to honor and respect the new culture that you and your new husband will be creating and cultivating in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

That was what I asked BF, but we have not found any hotels that allows this locally. Still looking though so I have hope.

What is it that the hotel won't allow?

The 4 hotels we have asked do not allow outside catering so to bring in 2 different types of food for cocktail reception and then main course would not be possible. We would have to find another venue (hence we're looking at a winery option, but increases distance and travel time for both parties) that would allow outside catering and wouldn't care how we organize it.

We are planning everything and doing everything ourselves with our wedding party so there's no wedding planner to help us coordinate everything.

20:30, Thanks. I really like that idea and will run that by BF later this week and see how it goes over. Maybe Mom and FMIL will be on board with that as it would be honoring both sides and allows 1 reception.

Whoever was the PP that asked about expenses. If there were 2 receptions, my parents would pay for the chinese one because 90% would be there friends that they "just have to have" at the reception. It's a total status thing. If I had a reception where both sides of the families were invited at the same time, my parents wouldn't be able to have all their friends there because a. we would be paying for it ourselves, and b. it would not be possible to host that many people without blowing our budget.

If you had one big reception with nods to both cultures, would the parents kick in for what they would have been willing to pay for a separate reception? That way you could invite all the friends and family from both sides, with all coming together to honor and respect the new culture that you and your new husband will be creating and cultivating in your marriage.

Sorry, hit submit too soon.

A marriage is about two separate people joining together to form their own new family. The wedding should be all about bringing people together, not dividing them into two different groups with two different parties to celebrate. Traditional foods, clothing, and rituals are wonderful but they shouldn't be a source of separation and division, rather both families can enjoy and celebrate each other's traditions to symbolize that the bride and groom are now their own new family.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do *you* want to serve as far as food goes? You talk about your family's expectations, but what about your own? Your IL and parent's opinion matter a lot, but not as much as what you and your future spouse want. You need to figure out what your ideal wedding ceremony and reception would be before you can move on to figuring out how to incorporate other people's expectations. E.G. Your in-laws want Polish food. But what about you and your future husband? Does he even care? Maybe he care a lot? But maybe it makes no difference to him whether it's served at the reception or at a rehearsal dinner?

As far as the Chinese tradition of gifting, one option is to buy your own "gift" and ask your IL's to present it during the ceremony as a "symbolic gift." In my culture, we do something somewhat similar with arras (Spanish gold coins), and had DH's family member (Asian) present them to me as a "symbolic gift." She had fun.

DH and I started planning our wedding by making a list of all of the elements we wanted to including in our wedding (or would be expected to include), and then ranking them in order of desire. Then we made all of the major decisions before we spoke to our family. And when we were ready, we presented our plans as a united front (after it was too late to change them---i.e. deposits and purchases already made). Yeah, it made some family members feel a little left out, but they got over it. And many years later, they still bring up how much fun they had at our wedding.

I'm not saying to go full-on Bridezilla---you definitely need to establish a good relationship with your future IL's---but I am saying that at the end of the day, it's your wedding.

[Anonymous]

I'm Indian and DH is white, but generic WASP so no particular cultural affiliation or preference. My parents paid for everything (including hotel rooms for out of town guests) and so we just had an Indian ceremony but everyone really got into it and enjoyed themselves. Some things were important to DH's family like his brother and best man making a speech so we incorporated that stuff in. The Indians all wore traditional wear and the regular guests wore western clothes, though a lot of our younger friends bought Indian clothes online and wore those.

Lots of things we did give up though, like the gift giving part where DH's family would give me jewelry etc. So strictly speaking it wasn't really an Indian wedding, only nominally so. But no matter, it was a great couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Thai married to a Puerto Rican. We did Thai for the rehearsal dinner. Ceremony incorporated things from both cultures. Dinner was at our favorite restaurant with nods to classic PR dishes.

Fwiw, We threw all traditional ideas out the window in terms of paying for things. We paid for the ceremony & reception ourselves, since we are much better off financially than any of our parents. My parents wanted to contribute something, so they paid for rehearsal dinner, since it is 'our' culture & there weren't as many people, so it wasn't as expensive for them as paying for the wedding or reception would have been.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines, I do not believe a Chinese "little intimate celebration" would fit for a Chinese wedding feast. This is meant to be a time to lavish thanks upon relatives (and to show off a bit). If your family is the type to play traditional games it can be awkward at best to imagine bringing people into that Besides, this "families coming together" fairy tail is not reality is so many cases. It certainly isn't something to plan around. I can't imagine a Polish wedding without babbas doing the polka and the smell of kapusta in the air. Likewise, how the hell do you polka in a qipao?

What about a small, intimate civil ceremony with the Chinese party afterwards and the Polish party on another weekend? You can wear red to one and white to the other. Each set of families can help host. Invite your core group of a 10-20 friends to both and have fun.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like both of you have strong opinionated mothers. If you let them dominate your wedding (esp if you are footing the bill), just imagine how much they'll meddle with your marriage/children later.

It's very easy to get lost in the wedding hoopla. Think long and hard about what you want. If you try to please everybody (and you probably won't), you'll end up being the one who lost herself in this wedding mess.

I'm 1.5 generation Chinese. When my mom got pushy about wedding details, I half jokingly told her that I was thinking about ditching the wedding and eloping to the Caribbean islands, she backed off =)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both of you have strong opinionated mothers. If you let them dominate your wedding (esp if you are footing the bill), just imagine how much they'll meddle with your marriage/children later.

It's very easy to get lost in the wedding hoopla. Think long and hard about what you want. If you try to please everybody (and you probably won't), you'll end up being the one who lost herself in this wedding mess.

I'm 1.5 generation Chinese. When my mom got pushy about wedding details, I half jokingly told her that I was thinking about ditching the wedding and eloping to the Caribbean islands, she backed off =)

Absolutely agree! You need to tell both of your moms to back the F off. It is your wedding not theirs. Threaten to elope. Really. Don't start your marriage being dictated to by your parents.

[Anonymous]

Most hotels will still give you a discount on a black of rooms even if you don't use their entertainment facilities.

Your families have been dreaming of hosting their kids' weddings for a long time. Everyone has traditions they want to include and "show off" for the extended friends and family.

Have you and your fiance sat down with each set of parents and just laid all of this out? Ask them which traditions are most important to them, and see if they can be brought on board to creating a blended wedding.

The other option is to come up with a single, budget-friendly solution that works for you and your fiance and just announce that that is what is going to happen. There is no way to do that without disappointing someone probably, but they will get over it.

If you guys have a good relationship with your parents, then why not try the "work it out" method first.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have pay for out of town guests' hotel rooms??