Cultural Differences, planning 2 wedding receptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

The major difference is that both parentals are adamant about food.

Chinese side has a lot of cultural dishes, and a very different serving style. The PP who has attended a chinese wedding reception probably understands what I mean. There's usually 12 dishes over 4-5 courses, and the festivities are very different. The ILs are also expected to gift jewelry of gold and/or diamonds to the bride. I do NOT want to ask or even bring this up with my future ILs.

Caucasian side has a lot of traditional polish food the ILs would like to see represented and serve, and adamant about plating everything.

To the PP who asked how our marriage and raising kids would work out? Well for starters my BF and I are in agreement about everything when it comes to having a family. We will honor both sides of our roots and the future kids will know about the Polish and Chinese traditions that are important to us. Both sets of parentals are on board with the marriage and wedding and has no reservations.

We cannot afford to pay for hotel rooms for the guests from out of town. It's just no in the budget. Discounted rate for a hotel would be possible if we have a hotel reception. We have discussed the idea of venues other than hotel though such as a winery or a old mansion that can cater food and host the reception. We have also considered locations closer to a midway point for the 2 families, but honestly the mid point is in the middle of Bumblefuckistan so it's not going to happen.

Relating to having kids, you sound very naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

The major difference is that both parentals are adamant about food.

Chinese side has a lot of cultural dishes, and a very different serving style. The PP who has attended a chinese wedding reception probably understands what I mean. There's usually 12 dishes over 4-5 courses, and the festivities are very different. The ILs are also expected to gift jewelry of gold and/or diamonds to the bride. I do NOT want to ask or even bring this up with my future ILs.

Caucasian side has a lot of traditional polish food the ILs would like to see represented and serve, and adamant about plating everything.

To the PP who asked how our marriage and raising kids would work out? Well for starters my BF and I are in agreement about everything when it comes to having a family. We will honor both sides of our roots and the future kids will know about the Polish and Chinese traditions that are important to us. Both sets of parentals are on board with the marriage and wedding and has no reservations.

We cannot afford to pay for hotel rooms for the guests from out of town. It's just no in the budget. Discounted rate for a hotel would be possible if we have a hotel reception. We have discussed the idea of venues other than hotel though such as a winery or a old mansion that can cater food and host the reception. We have also considered locations closer to a midway point for the 2 families, but honestly the mid point is in the middle of Bumblefuckistan so it's not going to happen.

Relating to having kids, you sound very naive.

OP.
I didn't realize I was on trial for how we would raise kids. That has nothing to do with the original intent of my post. You expect me to just delve into the details of how I would raise children that are not yet in reality? That's a discussion for my BF and I, and one that has been lengthy. I'm not concerned there. I'm focused on the present of planning a wedding, picking a venue, or 2, and figuring out how to be accommodating to our families and guests.

[Anonymous]

Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have money in the budget for hotel rooms for out of town guests (which I don't think you should have to pay for anyway) why would you have money to pay for a second reception????

Why can't you have a cocktail hour with Polish food, and then the dinner be the Chinese style. Why are you making this super complicated? It's your wedding. Someone, in every wedding, has an opinion, and someone in every wedding always gets offended for no reason, so just plan the one you and your fiance want and get over it. I never heard of HAVING to get a hotel room for a wedding an hour or two away (want to get one, sure, but it isn't mandatory).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

That was what I asked BF, but we have not found any hotels that allows this locally. Still looking though so I have hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have money in the budget for hotel rooms for out of town guests (which I don't think you should have to pay for anyway) why would you have money to pay for a second reception????

Why can't you have a cocktail hour with Polish food, and then the dinner be the Chinese style. Why are you making this super complicated? It's your wedding. Someone, in every wedding, has an opinion, and someone in every wedding always gets offended for no reason, so just plan the one you and your fiance want and get over it. I never heard of HAVING to get a hotel room for a wedding an hour or two away (want to get one, sure, but it isn't mandatory).

Chinese receptions are usually about half the cost of a traditional reception with outside catering, decorations, and venue rental.

[Anonymous]

No open bar. Doesn't matter who "expects" it. Cocktail hour and that's it.

Good food is good food. Doesn't matter what ethnicity. My northern European brother married an Asian woman and the reception food was whatever the hotel food was. Neither of you are being married in Poland or China. People will eat or be hungry. Pick a venue that splits the difference distance-wise as PP suggested and just enjoy your day.

Find a bakery that does kolaczki and almond cookies and serve them with the wedding cake. Culture diversity never tasted so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

That was what I asked BF, but we have not found any hotels that allows this locally. Still looking though so I have hope.

What is it that the hotel won't allow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you do Polish dishes at a cocktail hour and then Chinese at the main meal? Two receptions sound exhausting and expensive. I think you need to find a way to make one work. You are starting a new family with your new husband and someday maybe children. Now is the time to set boundaries with both sets of parents.

Also, even if your cultural tradition is for the in laws to give gifts to the bride, your in laws are not from that culture and should not be expected to conform to that tradition. As you find ways to meld your two cultures, you should concentrate on ways that honor AND welcome both sides/families.

That was what I asked BF, but we have not found any hotels that allows this locally. Still looking though so I have hope.

What is it that the hotel won't allow?

The 4 hotels we have asked do not allow outside catering so to bring in 2 different types of food for cocktail reception and then main course would not be possible. We would have to find another venue (hence we're looking at a winery option, but increases distance and travel time for both parties) that would allow outside catering and wouldn't care how we organize it.

We are planning everything and doing everything ourselves with our wedding party so there's no wedding planner to help us coordinate everything.

20:30, Thanks. I really like that idea and will run that by BF later this week and see how it goes over. Maybe Mom and FMIL will be on board with that as it would be honoring both sides and allows 1 reception.

Whoever was the PP that asked about expenses. If there were 2 receptions, my parents would pay for the chinese one because 90% would be there friends that they "just have to have" at the reception. It's a total status thing. If I had a reception where both sides of the families were invited at the same time, my parents wouldn't be able to have all their friends there because a. we would be paying for it ourselves, and b. it would not be possible to host that many people without blowing our budget.

[Anonymous]

Personally, being very familiar with both ethnicities and having been to big festivities of I would break ranks with the advice here and have two separate events. It will be much more pleasant for everyone to do it this way. Either that, or do something completely American (afternoon, outdoor high tea or mid day BBQ, etc) with special nods to each culture. There is no way to do full respect and comfort for both sides- especially if you are 1st or 2nd generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, being very familiar with both ethnicities and having been to big festivities of I would break ranks with the advice here and have two separate events. It will be much more pleasant for everyone to do it this way. Either that, or do something completely American (afternoon, outdoor high tea or mid day BBQ, etc) with special nods to each culture. There is no way to do full respect and comfort for both sides- especially if you are 1st or 2nd generation.

You are the first one who gets my original post and our intent!
I am 1st generation, he is 3rd generation. Both sets of grandparents are no longer with us, but both mothers are adamant about the food being good for the guests.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP, you and your families need to learn how to compromise. Here's the solution (trust me, I've been to a million multi-cultural ceremonies of various cultures):

Venue: Two options. Either Western ceremony at a hotel and Chinese ceremony at a banquet hall OR both ceremonies at a hotel. If you do option a, then your in-laws have to pay for the western ceremony + reception.

AM: Western ceremony
LUNCH: Polish lunch hosted by your in-laws

2 hour break for pictures/hotel ballroom changeover/your guests can relax for a bit

PM: Chinese ceremony
DINNER: Chinese banquet

OR
do it over a 3 day weekend

Friday night: Polish
Saturday night: Chinese

[Anonymous]

I'd vote for Chinese if the cost is much less. I would find an inn or other venue that allows you to bring in a caterer and find two that will work with you on both style foods. Find a balance. I'd also do it in the middle of no where 1/2 way so everyone is each traveling an hour. We did ours at an inn an hour away, partly cost, partly location and it was lovely. No one complained about the drive.

[Anonymous]

This is how I would do it to merge cultures:

- Chinese tea ceremony in the morning. Its a usually more intimate affair with the bride and groom's immediate family and close friends anyway. You can dress in traditional garb for that.

Gifts of gold and jewelery are kind of symbolic and usually given prior to the wedding day anyway. The whole dowry stuff is also given prior to the wedding day. You really an do without it...this is the modern ages. When I think bridal dowry I think money grubbing parents.

- Western/church? ceremony in the afternoon

- Reception - I would find a space where I can hire two caterers. People who want a western dinner can opt for that and people who want a chinese dinner can opt for that. Asides from the chinese food..i mean if you went to asia the hotels have the same flowers and decor and whatever, just the food is different. All cultures appreciate an open bar unless they eschew alcohol.

In fact, the way I just described it would be how an Asian couple does it in Hong Kong or Singapore, especially if they are church going.

[Anonymous]

Here's a write up of "affordable" DC wedding venues. Many allow you to select you own caterer. http://www.unitedwithlove.com/2013/08/22/favorite-affordable-wedding-venues-in-the-washington-dc-area/