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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok.  it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done[/quote]

You've created a false dilemma where you can't leave him.  You're making yourself into a hostage, and putting hte gun in his hand (the variant where he puts the gun to his head and threatens to kill himself if you leave)...and he hasn't done that.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from saying "this does not work for me".  Tell him you either want an open relationship or a divorce, and if you know the open relationship is out of the question, then just skip the choice and tell him you want a divorce.

My ex-wife was like this and I wasted 15 prime years of my peak sexuality and looks on someone who really didn't like sex or didn't like having it with me (I think it wasn't personal).  Please do not do that.  It is not a matter of choosing between your own life or his life.  You are responsible for your life and your well-being; he is responsible for his life and well-being.  He is choosing the meds over sex with you.  It makes no difference whether this is "justifiable" or not - it matters only that this is his choice.  He will live without you.

The only instance in which I think an affair is justifiable is if your incapacitated and legally incompetent spouse can no longer take care of themselves and are dependent upon you, and further, can no longer meet your needs, then the kinder thing is to continue to take care of them rather than abandon them in order to get your needs met.  If they are unable to meet their end of the relationship, however, they can't expect you to continue to behave as if that part of the relationship is operative.

It's important to note: why they are not meeting your needs is not the question here.  It doesn't matter if it's "beyond their control" or not, or if it's somehow a "socially acceptable" choice or not.  Marriage is not a suicide pact.  People cannot unilaterally drop their end of the bargain and then expect to hold their partner hostage to a promise.  Whether or not you only end parts of your relationship (sex) or all of it, is up to people to work out.

The sanctimonious jerks who think it's somehow OK to just force their partner to be celibate because they themselves no longer want sex, and somehow wanting sex is...base or shameful...get really really tiresome.  They wouldn't say the same thing about their partner unilaterally ditching any other part of the relationship.[/quote]

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