Not invited to SIL's baby shower

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes that's what I'm saying. OP should've helped MIL plan and throw this shower. If I'm understanding the relationship right, the SIL is her husband's sister. So the people invited would be DH's relatives - cousins, aunts - which are her family too by marriage. OP said they just saw each other over the holidays; she could've used that time to help plan. Instead she probably dropped news that she was going to work instead of attend. Imagine how SIL and MIL must have felt.

How can you pick a date to have a party and then expect another person to not only be there but to help host it? If they wanted Op to host it they should have mentioned that. I don't think that I would have just assumed that I would be the one hosting the shower especially if they had already picked the date.

If these mannerly ladies are having an issue with Op - they should be equally mad at themselves because they helped to create the issue.

I imagine they were waiting for her to step up and offer to help. I've thrown several baby showers (for SILs!), and it's awkward asking people to chip in. It feels like you are asking them for money. If someone wanted to help, they'd offer. Since she showed no interest in the planning stages, and even said she wasn't going to attend because she works on the weekends, yeah they picked a date without her.

I really think OP needs to give her MIL a call now and see how she can still contribute. This is her niece/nephew!

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree it's possible (based on what you've posted so far...) they didn't invite out-of-towners, assuming you are out of town. Trying to remember if I gave my BFF my DH's siblings' (and parents') addresses for the baby shower she threw... I knew they wouldn't/couldn't travel for it, and I didn't want to look gift-grabby. OTOH (and I remember debating this), I think I thought, if any out-of-towners should be invited (even honorarily), it should be them. But honestly can't remember where I landed.

[Anonymous]

I feel ya. We learned yesterday that this weekend's shindig is the "C" list shower. I'm a little offended because all other family were invited to a shower on New Year's Day and I thought I was left out because I was sick. Turns out that I'm just not good enough. Now, I have to go with a bunch of randoms. SO is joking that we bring a "C" list gift as a result. I'm not that petty, but I do wonder why I'm invited at all beyond a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Rude, and extremely tacky that her mother is hosting

[Anonymous]

OP here.

To clarify, we all live in DC/NOVA and get together at least once a month, if not more often. My MIL has no daughter and always wished that she did, so my SIL (who is also my DH's SIL) asked her to host the shower (this is her first grandkid). SIL's mom and sisters (who are all in DC/NOVA areas) are helping and very hands-on, so I wasn't involved in the planning.

DH just talked to his brother (not related to this) and in the conversation he asked if I was coming to the shower, so it's more likely that she simply forgot. I really hope that's the case. It is possible that she assumed I'm coming any way and didn't bother sending an invitation (just like the wedding). But I wasn't informed about the time/date/location of the shower. I don't like confrontations, so I didn't ask about it, either (I probably should have).

Either way, she should know by now that I didn't get the invitation and that it hurt my feelings. I really hope I get an email or a message apologizing for a blunder, so that I can put all this behind.

DH said he will talk to his mom to explains the situation so that she wouldn't wonder why I didn't show up.

God, in-law relationships are always so complicated!

[Anonymous]

OP again.

Oh, the work thing - it's not that I didn't plan on not going to shower and told her that I can't go because of work, contrary to what some posters above believe.
I knew the shower was going to be sometime in January but wasn't told the exact date. Once I learned the date, I had already made a commitment.

Also, even if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't want to show up uninvited and make it awkward for her in case she really didn't want me to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To clarify, we all live in DC/NOVA and get together at least once a month, if not more often. My MIL has no daughter and always wished that she did, so my SIL (who is also my DH's SIL) asked her to host the shower (this is her first grandkid). SIL's mom and sisters (who are all in DC/NOVA areas) are helping and very hands-on, so I wasn't involved in the planning.

DH just talked to his brother (not related to this) and in the conversation he asked if I was coming to the shower, so it's more likely that she simply forgot. I really hope that's the case. It is possible that she assumed I'm coming any way and didn't bother sending an invitation (just like the wedding). But I wasn't informed about the time/date/location of the shower. I don't like confrontations, so I didn't ask about it, either (I probably should have).

Either way, she should know by now that I didn't get the invitation and that it hurt my feelings. I really hope I get an email or a message apologizing for a blunder, so that I can put all this behind.

DH said he will talk to his mom to explains the situation so that she wouldn't wonder why I didn't show up.

God, in-law relationships are always so complicated!

WTF? Why didn't your DH mention you didn't receive an invite?

Honestly - this could be the sort of thing that your SIL gave you MIL a guest list of her friends/family, fully expecting your MIL to add you to it.

Also - if you need an apology for not being invited to a baby shower, you need some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To clarify, we all live in DC/NOVA and get together at least once a month, if not more often. My MIL has no daughter and always wished that she did, so my SIL (who is also my DH's SIL) asked her to host the shower (this is her first grandkid). SIL's mom and sisters (who are all in DC/NOVA areas) are helping and very hands-on, so I wasn't involved in the planning.

DH just talked to his brother (not related to this) and in the conversation he asked if I was coming to the shower, so it's more likely that she simply forgot. I really hope that's the case. It is possible that she assumed I'm coming any way and didn't bother sending an invitation (just like the wedding). But I wasn't informed about the time/date/location of the shower. I don't like confrontations, so I didn't ask about it, either (I probably should have).

Either way, she should know by now that I didn't get the invitation and that it hurt my feelings. I really hope I get an email or a message apologizing for a blunder, so that I can put all this behind.

DH said he will talk to his mom to explains the situation so that she wouldn't wonder why I didn't show up.

God, in-law relationships are always so complicated!

It's actually not complicated for people who are willing to be grown-ups and communicate directly, which you still do not seem to be doing. You seem to be focused on feeling hurt/slighted, when there are a million reasons why they may just assume you're going. It could be an honest misunderstanding/mistake on their part, and here you are "hoping" she'll feel bad and apologize. GROW UP! Just pick up the phone and call your MIL, the hostess!

And let's clear up another point: it doesn't matter that MIL always wanted a daughter. Mother's don't host showers for their daughters, period. Friends of the family usually do that. MIL hosting for DIL is a bit of an etiquette stretch, honestly, but it is "done" these days.

[Anonymous]

You can't adjust your work to attend the shower for a few hours? Wow. No wonder you didn't get invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't adjust your work to attend the shower for a few hours? Wow. No wonder you didn't get invited.

Especially given lead time. Do the right thing. Celebrate your niece/nephew. THAT is what you should focus on, not manners and pettiness and who-should-have-done-what. Rise above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick google search shows me that a lot of moms-to-be intentionally not invite their in-laws or wonder if that's an okay thing to do.
My SIL is due in a few months and having a baby shower in January, hosted by my MIL. We are not particularly close, but there's no hostility whatsoever between us. The whole family just spent the Christmas together and had a really good time. My MIL even discussed the shower with me before on several occasions. So this really baffles me.
DH thinks it was an oversight, but then again, I didn't even get the invitation for my SIL's wedding (which I attended, of course). You'd expect that she'd make sure I get the invitation this time around.
I have to work on weekends to meet a deadline, so I wouldn't have been able to go even if I were invited. But that they decided not to invite me to the shower is really hurtful.
Am I over-reacting to think it's rude they didn't invite me?

Why would YOU get an invite to the wedding? You mean you and your husband--her brother--didn't. They probably just are clueless and not formal. Just call your MIL, for heaven's sake! You are making this a "what if" issue when all you need to do is pick up the phone.

[Anonymous]

You need to do everything you can to attend the shower. It will reflect poorly on you if you don't.

Maybe your SIL is subtly snubbing you, maybe she/they are disorganized or less formal. No need to mention anything to her, drop a hint to MIL that it would have been great if you were brought in the loop earlier and received an invite. Listen to what and how she says it and get a feel for it.

Just put this incident in your SIL "wrap sheet" Not time yet for confrontations and this incident is certainly not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Wait- wouldn't it be your MIL's fault if you weren't invited? I mean is SIL sending out her own invites?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait- wouldn't it be your MIL's fault if you weren't invited? I mean is SIL sending out her own invites?

AMEN. THANK you. Unless you know for a fact SIL did not want to include you, you have no reason to be peeved with anyone other than the hostess: MIL.

It says a lot about you, OP, that you spent time "researching" whether some SILs/MILs don't include in-laws at showers on Google. What would that have to do with anything? How odd.

[Anonymous]

MIL is hosting a relatives shower? Let's start there.