Anyone marry a good person, who wasn't the right person for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering what has happened to people who was dating someone who was a good person and there was no real reason to leave them so you married them. You might have had a feeling that this person wasn't the right person for you, but you loved them and they were good and kind and you couldn't come up with a reason to break up. Or maybe you realized after you were married that being good wasn't good enough to sustain a marriage.

What happened? Are you still married? Happily? Divorced?

Yes. Yes. Yes. He's a very good person. He has taught me a lot. We've be married almost 18 years. I did try to break up one time before marriage but .... He begged for me to not end it. And we stayed together. I, more recently disconnected from him entirely, but am trying to make it back.

The sex has gone up and down. The closeness hat gone up and down. I could probably take it or leave it as a relationship, bc I just don't care that much, but he is a great father, a good person. It is easier to be parents in one house, easier to have divided chores instead if having to do them all, and it was been years since I have had to think about technology; he does all that. He cares about me and vice versa.

I've always though marriages should expire after a while (10 years? 15?) actually, they kind of do. We are going to have to change this marriage to make it work again. And either we can do that together or not.

I'm not sure we are friends at this point. It might be good enough. I'm not sure how to give more to make it more. And I do get regular sex. (not 3x/day, but 3x/week). If we divorced I'm sure I wouldn't be getting that. So on the whole .... Could be better. Probably acceptable. Probably entirely dependant on my ability to give more to this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I almost think that everyone needs to have two marriages. The first is for learning about how to do marriage and then figuring out the kind of person you do and do not want in one. So then you break it off and get married to that right person during the second one. Marriage is such an unknown thing that few people can know who is the right person until they go through it.

What is the divorce rate for second marriages?

Higher than firsts, especially when kids are involved. Often same problems with different person plus more stress to get it right.

Actually, once they have lasted five years, second marriages with kids actually have lower divorce rates than first marriages.

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a nice guy but I will never be happy because he doesn't sleep with me enough. Once a week. He's low drive. But I feel shallow divorcing him over that. I've tried talking to him about it. I can't get pregnant and I figure timing may be why. He's simply a once a week guy.

[Anonymous]

As evidenced by these nice/great guys begging the woman not to break up with them, they are needy. Then she marries the needy guy and is bored. In any relationship, the person who appears to care the least has the most power. These men are pathetically weak, which ain't sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As evidenced by these nice/great guys begging the woman not to break up with them, they are needy. Then she marries the needy guy and is bored. In any relationship, the person who appears to care the least has the most power. These men are pathetically weak, which ain't sexy.

This. I am so much stronger than my weak ex. I'm determined and motivated in away that he's just not. He was very patient and empathetic though. My now DH is ambitious and assertive, and we're equally yoked.

[Anonymous]

I was engaged for a long time to my "best friend" but didn't go through with it because I just couldn't imagine having to stand up and say "I do." I married another nice guy but he's different from me and I feel like that's what causes those butterflies and keep things interesting. I'm just never quite sure what he's thinking, whereas guy #1 and I agreed on everything. My theory is if you get along too well then it's boring. If you're too different then it's a disaster. But if you kind of overlap then you have a good mix. I would never walk away from my current marriage (unless some crazy shit went down), but I used to fantasize about leaving guy #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As evidenced by these nice/great guys begging the woman not to break up with them, they are needy. Then she marries the needy guy and is bored. In any relationship, the person who appears to care the least has the most power. These men are pathetically weak, which ain't sexy.

This. I am so much stronger than my weak ex. I'm determined and motivated in away that he's just not. He was very patient and empathetic though. My now DH is ambitious and assertive, and we're equally yoked.

Is your ex remarried?

[Anonymous]

The moral of this thread is, if you have sons, you need to parent and guide them to become as alpha as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently going through this with DH. We've been married for 10 years. He says it feels more like roommates. But when I ask what married people who have lived together for 10 years and have 2 kids do differently than roommates, he has no response.

So for those of you who have been married a long time, how is your marriage different than being roommates?

We have a lot of teasing (non mean-spirited) and goofing around in our relationship, which is often sexy or flirty. We're playful. I think this energy goes a long way towards keeping our marriage charged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moral of this thread is, if you have sons, you need to parent and guide them to become as alpha as possible.

No, if you have a son, parent them to find someone who loves, respects and adores them exactly as they are. My DH is not mega-alpha. We share the duties, some things I'm alpha, some things he's alpha. But I'm crazy in love with him. And he is the perfect person for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moral of this thread is, if you have sons, you need to parent and guide them to become as alpha as possible.

No, if you have a son, parent them to find someone who loves, respects and adores them exactly as they are. My DH is not mega-alpha. We share the duties, some things I'm alpha, some things he's alpha. But I'm crazy in love with him. And he is the perfect person for me.

Most women generally like moderation. But having no career drive is a no no. And being a doormat is the relationship kiss of death.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me want to seriously consider open marriage as an option. I've struggled with this for sometime and even went so far at one point as to think that if I really loved my DW then I'd feel butterflies, so I thought I didn't really loved her.

Then I tried to imagine my life without out here and I was devastatingly sad. The thought of not having her in my life was crushing. Not having her as my best friend, not appreciating her humor, not raising children together, not enjoying each other's company, when we have sex we know exactly what the other needs and we even experiment from time to time, etc.

If that's what it's like to live like roommates then she's the best goddamn roommate I've ever had (of course, in college, I had a roommate who would eat his toenail clippings).

However, having all that and then still wanting more can be draining on a relationship. I want all those things she has to give, but I also want newness and excitement. I want to confide in someone else so I'm not constantly burdening her with my issues, and I want her to confide in someone else so I don't feel drained by hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, I would grab an opportunity to marry a friend.

This was my thought too. DH and I make an effort to keep our friendship alive because it's hard to be romantic partners when you're not friends first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost think that everyone needs to have two marriages. The first is for learning about how to do marriage and then figuring out the kind of person you do and do not want in one. So then you break it off and get married to that right person during the second one. Marriage is such an unknown thing that few people can know who is the right person until they go through it.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me want to seriously consider open marriage as an option. I've struggled with this for sometime and even went so far at one point as to think that if I really loved my DW then I'd feel butterflies, so I thought I didn't really loved her.

Then I tried to imagine my life without out here and I was devastatingly sad. The thought of not having her in my life was crushing. Not having her as my best friend, not appreciating her humor, not raising children together, not enjoying each other's company, when we have sex we know exactly what the other needs and we even experiment from time to time, etc.

If that's what it's like to live like roommates then she's the best goddamn roommate I've ever had (of course, in college, I had a roommate who would eat his toenail clippings).

However, having all that and then still wanting more can be draining on a relationship. I want all those things she has to give, but I also want newness and excitement. I want to confide in someone else so I'm not constantly burdening her with my issues, and I want her to confide in someone else so I don't feel drained by hers.

I feel bad for your wife, good lord. Get some counseling.

Women- raise your boys to turn into men.