How to get DW interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.

Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!

I'm not asking for fool-proof. I'm asking for something in the neighborhood of statistically significant. What we have now seems more like women projecting what they'd like from their husband onto OP's wife, whether it moves the needle on their libido or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.

Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!

I'm not asking for fool-proof. I'm asking for something in the neighborhood of statistically significant. What we have now seems more like women projecting what they'd like from their husband onto OP's wife, whether it moves the needle on their libido or not.

Again, if anybody had anything like that, maybe they wouldn't be as rich as Gates, but certainly as rich as Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.

If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.

It's not the toilets. She's got time for ice cream, Facebook, and TV but not sex? She might say it's the toilets, but OP washed them, then she'd claim something else was holding her back. The goal posts will keep moving until she's attracted to you. If she was attracted, the toilets wouldn't matter. If she's unattracted, there aren't enough chores in the world you could do.

Maybe after she's spent most of the weekend cleaning the house and taking care of kids, and then has worked a full day, come home and done an evening of chores, she just wants some time to herself where no one has any expectations of her or is making demands. Not to mention that if you're overworked and overtired while watching your husband hang out on the couch while you mop the kitchen floor, that's not really helping the depression that's probably underlying the eating and weight gain. OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be, and what could improve the situation. It wouldn't surprise me at all if OP's wife is depressed (which can really kill your sex drive), in which case OP should be stepping up and trying to help rather than just sitting back and waiting for a bj because he loaded the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.

If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.

It's not the toilets. She's got time for ice cream, Facebook, and TV but not sex? She might say it's the toilets, but OP washed them, then she'd claim something else was holding her back. The goal posts will keep moving until she's attracted to you. If she was attracted, the toilets wouldn't matter. If she's unattracted, there aren't enough chores in the world you could do.

Maybe after she's spent most of the weekend cleaning the house and taking care of kids, and then has worked a full day, come home and done an evening of chores, she just wants some time to herself where no one has any expectations of her or is making demands. Not to mention that if you're overworked and overtired while watching your husband hang out on the couch while you mop the kitchen floor, that's not really helping the depression that's probably underlying the eating and weight gain. OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be, and what could improve the situation. It wouldn't surprise me at all if OP's wife is depressed (which can really kill your sex drive), in which case OP should be stepping up and trying to help rather than just sitting back and waiting for a bj because he loaded the dishwasher.

Makes sense. But there's never a point where a spouse has done enough. What percentage of the total family responsibilities does a spouse have to shoulder before there's a consensus, "yup, you've done enough. This is on your spouse."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.

If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.

It's not the toilets. She's got time for ice cream, Facebook, and TV but not sex? She might say it's the toilets, but OP washed them, then she'd claim something else was holding her back. The goal posts will keep moving until she's attracted to you. If she was attracted, the toilets wouldn't matter. If she's unattracted, there aren't enough chores in the world you could do.

Maybe after she's spent most of the weekend cleaning the house and taking care of kids, and then has worked a full day, come home and done an evening of chores, she just wants some time to herself where no one has any expectations of her or is making demands. Not to mention that if you're overworked and overtired while watching your husband hang out on the couch while you mop the kitchen floor, that's not really helping the depression that's probably underlying the eating and weight gain. OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be, and what could improve the situation. It wouldn't surprise me at all if OP's wife is depressed (which can really kill your sex drive), in which case OP should be stepping up and trying to help rather than just sitting back and waiting for a bj because he loaded the dishwasher.

Makes sense. But there's never a point where a spouse has done enough. What percentage of the total family responsibilities does a spouse have to shoulder before there's a consensus, "yup, you've done enough. This is on your spouse."

It is untrue that there's never a point where a spouse has done enough. That is true for some people (including, apparently, you) who will take as much as they can get from the other person and have no inherent sense of fairness or consideration of their spouse's needs/wants as equal to their own. But here's a rough place to start -- if there's a significant portion of non-work time where you are relaxing and your spouse is doing housework, and the reverse is rarely true, you're not doing enough. But even then, you can't expect it to be completely balanced all of the time. People's needs shift all the time, and sometimes you'll be doing more than half, sometimes less. In this particular case, if OP's wife is depressed and out of shape, and her self-esteem has tanked as a result, OP may need to pick up more of the household stuff for a while to free up his wife to get more exercise and other self-care (e.g., time to plan healthier meals, time to see a therapist) so that she can feel better and be more engaged. As she's feeling better, they can balance out the work load a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.

If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.

It's not the toilets. She's got time for ice cream, Facebook, and TV but not sex? She might say it's the toilets, but OP washed them, then she'd claim something else was holding her back. The goal posts will keep moving until she's attracted to you. If she was attracted, the toilets wouldn't matter. If she's unattracted, there aren't enough chores in the world you could do.

Maybe after she's spent most of the weekend cleaning the house and taking care of kids, and then has worked a full day, come home and done an evening of chores, she just wants some time to herself where no one has any expectations of her or is making demands. Not to mention that if you're overworked and overtired while watching your husband hang out on the couch while you mop the kitchen floor, that's not really helping the depression that's probably underlying the eating and weight gain. OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be, and what could improve the situation. It wouldn't surprise me at all if OP's wife is depressed (which can really kill your sex drive), in which case OP should be stepping up and trying to help rather than just sitting back and waiting for a bj because he loaded the dishwasher.

Makes sense. But there's never a point where a spouse has done enough. What percentage of the total family responsibilities does a spouse have to shoulder before there's a consensus, "yup, you've done enough. This is on your spouse."

It really comes down to whether lack of attraction is the driver or not. In defense of those who (incorrectly in many cases) imply that stepping up around the house is the answer, it really is true that if the DW is overwhelmed, stressed, and resentful it can certainly kill her libido, for good reason. So addressing that is definitely something to try in order to improve things. But for most of the people in a long-term, low-sex marriage, that's not the real issue, and it really comes down to lack of libido (not really fixable) or lack of attraction (potentially fixable with behavior modification and physical upgrades).

As for OP, if he is keeping himself in reasonable physical condition with decent grooming, and generally holding up his end on the home front and with emotional support, there may not be that much more to do. I think this is a terribly common situation that boils down to walk, suffer, or cheat in a lot of cases.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her. Everything. But maybe not the "you're not sexy part," because, honestly if she doesn't feel sexy and she thinks you don't think she's sexy, there's little chance that it's going to happen.

I had a convo like this with my spouse, BTW. It was difficult and very emotional. I was the one who wanted more. Luckily he listened and understood that a low-sex or sexless marriage was not my idea of a good or desirable marriage. I envisioned myself at 80 having a perfectly good romp with my 80+ year old husband. I wasn't holding him to that just yet, but I wanted to be clear: I wasn't getting off the sex train voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.

Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!

I'm not asking for fool-proof. I'm asking for something in the neighborhood of statistically significant. What we have now seems more like women projecting what they'd like from their husband onto OP's wife, whether it moves the needle on their libido or not.

My take: at 3 and 5 you aren't in hopeless territory yet; 3 is still pretty little and a draining age. Lift weights, try to bring fun to your lives, hold up your end of things in a responsible way. If things don't get better, lay it out for her that this is a potentially marriage-killing issue for you in very clear terms. At that point, she'll have to decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

Just trying to brainstorm here:

Make friends with parents in DCs' school/daycare and hang out with them. Playdates will give you more time together. You'll also be more involved with people who are closer in than the suburbs.

Make the babysitter a regular thing. Budget for twice a week or Saturday's until noon, or whatever you can. Use this time to be together, either catching up on chores together or running errands. It doesn't have to be high-pressure romance time. Oh man, she's not there yet. Do things together and think of it as team building. Hell, paint the kitchen together and make it fun! Wine and painting...laughter?

I know I'm not getting enough sleep when I find I'm reaching for ice cream. Sleep deprivation smells like vanilla ice cream in my house. Is she sleeping enough?

I wish you luck. It's pretty cool that you're not badmouthing her and seem to have sympathy for her. It sounds like you miss her, and I really hope you find a way.

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/30/518691.page#8012114

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook.

If she is eating lots of ice cream, she is depressed. that's what women do when they are depressed. Maybe something is going wrong in her job? Is one of the children having problems? I think you need to find the source of her depression... Once we know that, we can do a better job helping you figure out how to help her.

She might be depressed but probably because of the overeating leading to weight gain, leading to lower self-esteem and more eating, etc... It's a cycle that can be challenging to break out of. And it most certainly makes her not feel sexy or want to see or feel her own body being touched. I am recovered from a past eating disorder and this really impacts sexuality and body image.

Op--she needs help with her weight and then she will be able to be more present in the marriage and her own life. Thing is, you can't say "you are fat". What you can and should say is that you need to talk, and when alone after kids are in bed explain that you have noticed she doesn't seem as happy as she used to and she seems less comfortable in her own skin lately, and ask if she wants more time on her own to help herself feel better, be it through a gym, weight watchers program, hobbies out alone, etc... And hopefully she will take the initiative to do something.

She is probably binge eating to avoid feeling emotions, which again is a terrible cycle. Group meetings with others in the same boat can be very powerful.

[Anonymous]

OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be,

Nailed it!

OP, if you're serious... go to a marriage councelor on your own. It's a real start. Posting here is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP seems like yet another one of those DCUM spouses who just wants more sex to happen without considering what else might be underlying it, what their role might be,

Nailed it!

OP, if you're serious... go to a marriage councelor on your own. It's a real start. Posting here is not.

He should count himself lucky if he's the problem. That means he can fix it.

But the fact is that there are plenty of good spouses who aren't getting sexed up by their husbands or wives. And if you aren't the problem, that sexlessness is largely out of your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.

Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!

I'm not asking for fool-proof. I'm asking for something in the neighborhood of statistically significant. What we have now seems more like women projecting what they'd like from their husband onto OP's wife, whether it moves the needle on their libido or not.

Women are not produced in a factory. Each one is a unique individual, with a unique reason for their low libido. They are complicated. You can not just "fix them" the way you would a car. The OP has not really told us much about his wife. I wonder if he even knows much about her. Without that knowledge, there is no chance of fixing her libido. And, unfortunately for men, most women just don't get "horny", looking for sex with anyone who happens to be available. It would be great for men if this were true, and may be similar to what most men feel, but few women are like that.

Maybe the OP should become gay. If he wants somebody who is just horny all the time, another man might be best.

[Anonymous]

If I knew that my husband watched porn and jerked off to it every night rather than show any interest in me as a person or even as a "hole", I would be depressed and hit the ice cream. Admit your porn addiction, tell her you are going to stop, and ask her to help you by giving up something, too, like Facebook after dinner.