How to get DW interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!

I'm not asking for fool-proof. I'm asking for something in the neighborhood of statistically significant. What we have now seems more like women projecting what they'd like from their husband onto OP's wife, whether it moves the needle on their libido or not.

Women are not produced in a factory. Each one is a unique individual, with a unique reason for their low libido. They are complicated. You can not just "fix them" the way you would a car. The OP has not really told us much about his wife. I wonder if he even knows much about her. Without that knowledge, there is no chance of fixing her libido. And, unfortunately for men, most women just don't get "horny", looking for sex with anyone who happens to be available. It would be great for men if this were true, and may be similar to what most men feel, but few women are like that.

Well, o.k. Woman are unique and their sex drives are unpredictable. These discussions should be based on that premise with most advice being more or less a shrug and "never can tell what might or might not work." Try turning counter clockwise three times at the midnight of a new moon. Or more chores. Or date night. Or a rabbit's foot. Or buy yourself a new shirt. Or hell, it could be anything. But probably nothing is going to make a difference. You chose poorly. Better luck next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I knew that my husband watched porn and jerked off to it every night rather than show any interest in me as a person or even as a "hole", I would be depressed and hit the ice cream. Admit your porn addiction, tell her you are going to stop, and ask her to help you by giving up something, too, like Facebook after dinner.

You're assuming that the nightly porn is a cause rather than a reaction. OP, did the sex decline first or did the porn use increase first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I don't necessarily think your wife is depressed or something is wrong psychologically with her. A lot of women would go without sex in long term relationships if given the choice. It's a politically incorrect truth (not all women, of course). This article may make you feel better or worse, depending if you are taking it personally http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/03/not-tonight-dear/305643/


That being said, you first need to have a very blunt talk. Tell her you want to have more sex with her and that the lack of it is eroding your marriage. I wouldn't bring up that she has gotten fat - she knows it. Let her tell you that her body image is holding her back - and then you can (genuinely) offer to do what it takes to let her get back in reasonable shape. (For us, when we were sliding into poor shape, my wife and I made a committment to support each other going to the gym, even if it meant one of us was solo bed time).

You will end up cheating and/or divorced or incredible bitter (probably all three) unless you figure this out together.

+1. The best I think you can do is explain that intimacy is an essential part of the marriage for you. Consider counseling and maybe ask her to discuss a hormone patch with her OB/GYN since it sounds like low sex drive might be part of it. As for the weight, I think a fair way to approach it is, "I know you aren't happy about your weight and it makes you less interested in sex, so how can I help you with that? Do you want me to watch the kids so you can join WW/get a trainer/take a Zumba class"?

Also...and I can't stress this enough, since I think it's at the bottom of 90% of these type of situations....make sure you're good in bed. Boring/unfulfilling sex is the source of a lot of lost interest among DWs. Guys always get their payoff but many (most?) women don't, and the resentment and irritation and boredom with that grows over time.

[Anonymous]

Amazingly, women never have any libido problems during the courtship phase. It's shocking I tell you! No headaches, tiredness, chores, feeling non-sexy, etc. etc. before the ring goes on the finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I knew that my husband watched porn and jerked off to it every night rather than show any interest in me as a person or even as a "hole", I would be depressed and hit the ice cream. Admit your porn addiction, tell her you are going to stop, and ask her to help you by giving up something, too, like Facebook after dinner.

You're assuming that the nightly porn is a cause rather than a reaction. OP, did the sex decline first or did the porn use increase first?

Op here. Weight gain came first. Sex declined second and porn use increased third. We actually used to watch porn together during foreplay so it's not a surprise or should not be a surprise to her that I watch porn.

[Anonymous]

Again, every DW LD story on here, or should I say nearly every story, starts with female DCUM posters coming up with 100 valid reasons why DW doesn't want to have regular sex. Yet, not once do they explain why DW wanted to do it like rabbits with the same exact man (who in many cases hasn't changed) prior to getting married. Outside of having kids and the period associated with a downturn in libido around kids, every other excuse in the book is a joke because these things (stress, headaches, tiredness, how good one is in bed, feeling ugly) were possibilities BEFORE marriage. Face it, Einstein was right. Men marry women and women change. Men stay the same and wonder what happened.

[Anonymous]

^ Nails it. I did fewer chores during our 3 year courtship than I did in the last 1 year of marriage. No correlation between chores and sex before marriage. Now it's apparently the reason she doesn't want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to have a very difficult conversation with your spouse. I mentioned that I wanted to have this talk with my own husband, and he avoided and avoided and finally I said, "Baby, I love you and I want us to be crazy happy together. If we do not have this conversation, we will never get there. I am unhappy. I am making you unhappy. We have to talk or we are cooked."

And so we did.

Preface this by saying you love and care about her, your marriage, your children, your family. Say all the nice things about her that made you want to get married to her in the first place, and all the wonderful things that make you still want to be married. You can say very directly that your bodies have changed, your lives have changed, but you STILL are in this together and you STILL want to be her husband. Or whatever. The point is to lay down a carpet of love and tenderness so you can return to it when the conversation gets tough. And definitely return to it.

And then tell her. Tell her that for your sex is a way to feel close to her, to show her you lover her inside and out, and that it's a way for you to feel loved, too. How does she feel? [The point here is NOT TO CHANGE HER MIND. The point here is to listen. Repeat back what she says to you by paraphrasing her words. That helps you be sure you have heard and understood her, and lets her know you have, too. Remember, you do not have to AGREE, just LISTEN and UNDERSTAND].

Once you have laid t all out, your feelings, her feelings, identify the commonalities (you love one another, your family, etc.) and the gaps (for you sex is an important expression of love, for her it is not). Then find out how you can bridge the gaps.

Start small. Be concrete.

As I mentioned, I had to be very clear that I did not want to force my husband. I said I was interested in activities, but was willing to completely forgo them if they were too challenging or uninteresting for him. And I meant it (no point in lying). He said this, I said that. Etc etc. In the end, he wanted me to feel loved and cherished, and I was clear that this was an essential element of that. I was NOT ready to be just his roommate. If this is what we were gunning for, he had to be very honest and clear with me about that, because then I'd have some very difficult decisions to make. Again, NOT a threat, just very honest.

So if you can have a conversation like this--in fact, it was a series of conversations for us--then you might find yourself heading in the right direction.

Good luck, my friend. I wish you joy, happiness, and good sex (or whatever) this holiday season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, every DW LD story on here, or should I say nearly every story, starts with female DCUM posters coming up with 100 valid reasons why DW doesn't want to have regular sex. Yet, not once do they explain why DW wanted to do it like rabbits with the same exact man (who in many cases hasn't changed) prior to getting married. Outside of having kids and the period associated with a downturn in libido around kids, every other excuse in the book is a joke because these things (stress, headaches, tiredness, how good one is in bed, feeling ugly) were possibilities BEFORE marriage. Face it, Einstein was right. Men marry women and women change. Men stay the same and wonder what happened.

I think men's baseline sex drive is a lot higher. Both men and women enjoy the novelty of a new relationship. The novelty gets a lot of women above the line where they want to have sex. The novelty just gets a man further above the line. Life stress, relationship baggage, etc. often isn't enough to pull men below the line but is enough to pull women below the line (if mere lack of novelty hasn't already pulled them below.)

It's not anything nefarious. Mostly, I think it's simply testosterone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to have a very difficult conversation with your spouse. I mentioned that I wanted to have this talk with my own husband, and he avoided and avoided and finally I said, "Baby, I love you and I want us to be crazy happy together. If we do not have this conversation, we will never get there. I am unhappy. I am making you unhappy. We have to talk or we are cooked."

And so we did.

Preface this by saying you love and care about her, your marriage, your children, your family. Say all the nice things about her that made you want to get married to her in the first place, and all the wonderful things that make you still want to be married. You can say very directly that your bodies have changed, your lives have changed, but you STILL are in this together and you STILL want to be her husband. Or whatever. The point is to lay down a carpet of love and tenderness so you can return to it when the conversation gets tough. And definitely return to it.

And then tell her. Tell her that for your sex is a way to feel close to her, to show her you lover her inside and out, and that it's a way for you to feel loved, too. How does she feel? [The point here is NOT TO CHANGE HER MIND. The point here is to listen. Repeat back what she says to you by paraphrasing her words. That helps you be sure you have heard and understood her, and lets her know you have, too. Remember, you do not have to AGREE, just LISTEN and UNDERSTAND].

Once you have laid t all out, your feelings, her feelings, identify the commonalities (you love one another, your family, etc.) and the gaps (for you sex is an important expression of love, for her it is not). Then find out how you can bridge the gaps.

Start small. Be concrete.

As I mentioned, I had to be very clear that I did not want to force my husband. I said I was interested in activities, but was willing to completely forgo them if they were too challenging or uninteresting for him. And I meant it (no point in lying). He said this, I said that. Etc etc. In the end, he wanted me to feel loved and cherished, and I was clear that this was an essential element of that. I was NOT ready to be just his roommate. If this is what we were gunning for, he had to be very honest and clear with me about that, because then I'd have some very difficult decisions to make. Again, NOT a threat, just very honest.

So if you can have a conversation like this--in fact, it was a series of conversations for us--then you might find yourself heading in the right direction.

Good luck, my friend. I wish you joy, happiness, and good sex (or whatever) this holiday season.

OP here. Thank you for this. I was planning on talking to her sooner rather than later and was not sure where to begin. As someone else suggested, I will also bring up the idea of going and talking to a therapist about this if I am the problem or perhaps we can both go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, every DW LD story on here, or should I say nearly every story, starts with female DCUM posters coming up with 100 valid reasons why DW doesn't want to have regular sex. Yet, not once do they explain why DW wanted to do it like rabbits with the same exact man (who in many cases hasn't changed) prior to getting married. Outside of having kids and the period associated with a downturn in libido around kids, every other excuse in the book is a joke because these things (stress, headaches, tiredness, how good one is in bed, feeling ugly) were possibilities BEFORE marriage. Face it, Einstein was right. Men marry women and women change. Men stay the same and wonder what happened.

I think men's baseline sex drive is a lot higher. Both men and women enjoy the novelty of a new relationship. The novelty gets a lot of women above the line where they want to have sex. The novelty just gets a man further above the line. Life stress, relationship baggage, etc. often isn't enough to pull men below the line but is enough to pull women below the line (if mere lack of novelty hasn't already pulled them below.)

It's not anything nefarious. Mostly, I think it's simply testosterone.

The problem with this argument is that it's basically just throwing up your hands and saying, "It's just biology, there's nothing I can do about it!"

If you accept that argument then you have to accept it when a man cheats because he's not getting any at home. "It's just biology, there's nothing I can do about it!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Nails it. I did fewer chores during our 3 year courtship than I did in the last 1 year of marriage. No correlation between chores and sex before marriage. Now it's apparently the reason she doesn't want to have sex.

Be she had to qualify for you before marriage, and it made her want to keep in shape and it turned her on. HELLO. I keep telling you.

If your wife thinks she can get fat and not have sex with you yet still remain married to you, her attraction for you is going to go directly into the toilet. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200 dollars.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW, and I feel similarly. Want to fuck everyone except my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and I feel similarly. Want to fuck everyone except my spouse.

Honey, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and I feel similarly. Want to fuck everyone except my spouse.

I feel the same way about you dear.

But seriously, there's something pretty normal about that. After many years with the same person who wouldn't desire something different? Doesn't even have to be better. Different would be just fine.