Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage?
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Anonymous
Or to fulfill some need they have in themselves. Or because they are bored, or going through a rough patch. There may be many reasons that a marriage isn't perfect that both partners share, but the minute one person has an affair, they own the fallout 100%. |
Anonymous
[b]
The above is such an inaccurate stereotype about affairs. My husband was began cheating on me the first year we met, even though he was at the same time romancing me, having hot sex with me, proposing to me, moving in with me, and encouraging me to have children with him. Even when I discovered his cheating, he begged me not to kick him out and not to terminate our relationship. I loved him and was shocked by his behavior. We engaged in counseling, but I only discovered that he continued to lie about his life throughout. The entire cycle lasted less than 5 years. What is a person supposed to do with this? The affairs weren't about me at all. The "space" in the marriage wasn't my creation and wasn't something I "allowed." They were part a reflection of illness (the hypomania of bipolar depression, undiagnosed at the time), dysfunctional family of origin issues (alcoholism, insecurity, anxiety, etc.) and character flaw (a willingness to lie to create a desired reality rather than negotiate openly with a partner). As a cheated upon wife, I feel victimized twice -- once by my husband's behavior, and a second time by society which blames me for it and tells me that I should have accepted it (with the notion that I should swallow my hurt and anger and stay in the marriage). It's like how society views the victim of a date rape -- everyone thinks you did something to deserve it or cause it, or that you "wanted it" on some level. Thankfully our views on date rape are changing, but, unfortunately, societal views about adultery have not yet changed. Married people want to believe that adultery is the fault of both parties, because it reassures a married person that as long as they are doing "what it takes" (whatever the hell that is) to have a healthy marriage, adultery will never happen to them. Marriage is an incredibly risky proposition. You are making and emotional, physical and financial commitment to someone with whom there is really no guarantee that they will treat you fairly. People want to believe that that risk won't unpredictably blow up in their face. Unfortunately, for many of us, adultery was like being hit by a bus while in the middle of a crosswalk while the walk light was green. Completely unpredictable, life-altering, years of recovery and not our fault at all. |
Anonymous
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Not in the cases of adultery, abandonment (walking out) or cruelty (abuse).
As for adultery, it's not always because the partner was not a good spouse---a very common symptom of addiction is cheating. Once the SO figures out the addicts ways and tries to put a stop to it, the addict seeks out a new enabler. Very often that person is an AP. |
Anonymous
It's fun. They like sex with different people. It is an escape from responsibilities. They want loud sex, which is hard to do with a teenager in the next room. The AP makes them feel important. Because they could. You know, NO 1 person can fulfill your every need. Marriage does not fulfill your every need. Some single people 100% fulfilled. It is best to build a fulfilling life before you marry. |
Anonymous
Number 1 reason... they don't think they will get caught. Close following... because they thought they could be monogamous and then realized they couldn't, they never intended to be committed, they see being committed to a marriage and being faithful as 2 different things, they simply care more about their own need than the needs of the wife and children, they are bitter and feel they "deserve" to be unfaithful because their expectations of marriage are not being met, etc. |
Anonymous
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Both parties are to blame, but in my mind, not exactly for the reasons everyone else has listed.
It takes two to run a marriage. Yes, there are cheaters who just do it for the thrill. That being said, there are also the inside partners who freeze out a marriage, which to me is just as bad as cheating, for their own reasons/ ends. I'm not here to pass judgement, or pick sides, or any of it. I wasn't in the relationship or did I see what went on behind closed doors. I know plenty of "victims" who have chosen that path, thinking it will gain them maximum hand in the end. If you end a marriage because your partner cheated, then you are not a victim. You escaped a bullet. But you don't get extra pats on the head for doing what is best for you. That's your choice. I've had friends leave, some stay. These are life choices that affect no ones other than you. And there's no extra bones for the victim in that situation, regardless of outcome. Now, I don't think this way in terms of abuse. That's the one place where sides are fair, warranted, and preferential. |
Anonymous
+ 1 Thank you saying so eloquently what I thought and experienced. Though in my case they decided that they are gay. |
Anonymous
Eh. I believe they say they are happily married. But I think if you dig deeper there is (usually) more challenge then people let on. But all of the above is just my opinion, I can't cite anybody. |
Anonymous
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Here's my take:
the cheater cheats for whatever reason. Maybe the non cheating spouse was a lousy spouse. That gives the cheater the right to leave that spouse but not the right to deceive by cheating. Still blame the cheater here. The non cheating spouse doesn't do well being magnanimous, forgiving, taking the hurt gracefully, accepting that they were a lousy spouse to begin with, but instead responds with hurt and anger, and doesn't get over it in the time frame that's convenient for the cheater. The non cheating spouse stays mad/hurt/angry longer than the cheater deems appropriate. I'd say the cheater lacks a lot of empathy to put a time table on recovering from being deceived and restoring trust. Even when things get back to being on track, the cheater should be aware that there will still be eruptions. And when I say back on track, I mean that non cheating spouse recognizes their part in the dynamic. Still, lack of empathy in length of recovery : still mostly on the cheater. Until that empathy can be demonstrated, I don't think the non cheating spouse can begin to be in a place where they can let go of defensive hurt to look at adjustments they may need to make. Bottom line: if cheating spouse wants to make it work, cheating spouse needs to approach non cheating spouse with lots and lots of humbleness for a long while (not up to cheating spouse for how long) before cheating spouse gets to ask for concessions from non cheating spouse. No one made cheating spouse cheat. Cheating spouse had opportunity to negotiate those concessions BEFORE cheating. Still blame cheating spouse. If cheating spouse wants a time table of recovery and can't offer lots and lots of patience, cheating spouse should cut losses and let everyone move on. Inability to see that - cheating spouse didn't have empathy, patience, or humbleness to walk the path of recovery - still blame the cheater for not acknowledging that recovery is very very difficult and takes massive commitment upfront before lousy spouse can take steps to become better spouse. Cheating takes a broken marriage, that would have taken work to repair regardless of the complication of cheating, and detonates an atomic bomb in the scene. Yep, mostly the fault of the cheater in the final demise. |
Anonymous
Adultery is abuse. Weird that you would think otherwise... |
Anonymous
| Both parties are to blame in some cases like both of the major political parties are to blame on some political issues. In other cases, like in other political issues, one party exhibits ordinary flaws to which the other party reacts like a sociopath. |
Anonymous
And I think it is weird and disturbing that you equate the two. |
Anonymous
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You cannot make someone love you, make some stay committed, or make someone happy with your marriage.
You can only control your love, happiness, commitment, and your reaction to your spouse's actions. My best friend is a lovely, smart, beautiful woman. She is very devoted to her marriage, and manages a household, plus has a great job. Her husband cheats on her non-stop. It's not because of lack of sex at home. For all intents and purposes they have a good marriage and family life. Still he cheats like a dog in heat. It is not a reflection on her, and she isn't to blame. |
Anonymous
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This whole "the spouse made me cheat" line of thinking is so insane. No one makes you cheat. No one. If your marriage is falling apart, then your marriage is falling apart. It still doesn't mean you have been pushed into cheating.
Also, since we're on the topic, "She was wearing a short skirt and a tank top" also doesn't make you rape. And "hurling insults at me" doesn't make you slug someone. There can be a million reasons that make you want to do something immoral, but stepping over the line and actually doing them is your choice and your responsibility alone. |
Anonymous
I don't think you understand affairs if you don't understand all the other things that go on to enable an affair. Read 15:04's story there was so much lying, deceit, double life, manipulation, gas lighting, etc that went on to make the affair possible. That is clearly the definition of abuse. |