Reply to Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage?

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Reply to "Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage? "

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[quote=Anonymous]Here's my take:

the cheater cheats for whatever reason.  Maybe the non cheating spouse was a lousy spouse.  That gives the cheater the right to leave that spouse but not the right to deceive by cheating.  Still blame the cheater here.

The non cheating spouse doesn't do well being magnanimous, forgiving, taking the hurt gracefully, accepting that they were a lousy spouse to begin with,  but instead responds with hurt and anger, and doesn't get over it in the time frame that's convenient for the cheater.  The non cheating spouse stays mad/hurt/angry longer than the cheater deems appropriate.

I'd say the cheater lacks a lot of empathy to put a time table on recovering from being deceived and restoring trust.  Even when things get back to being on track, the cheater should be aware that there will still be eruptions.  And when I say back on track, I mean that non cheating spouse recognizes their part in the dynamic.  Still, lack of empathy in length of recovery :  still mostly on the cheater.  Until that empathy can be demonstrated, I don't think the non cheating spouse can begin to be in a place where they can let go of defensive hurt to look at adjustments they may need to make.

Bottom line:  if cheating spouse wants to make it work, cheating spouse needs to approach non cheating spouse with lots and lots of humbleness for a long while (not up to cheating spouse for how long) before cheating spouse gets to ask for concessions from non cheating spouse.  No one made cheating spouse cheat.  Cheating spouse had opportunity to negotiate those concessions BEFORE cheating. Still blame cheating spouse.

If cheating spouse wants a time table of recovery and can't offer lots and lots of patience, cheating spouse should cut losses and let everyone move on.  Inability to see that - cheating spouse didn't have empathy, patience, or humbleness to walk the path of recovery - still blame the cheater for not acknowledging that recovery is very very difficult and takes massive commitment upfront before lousy spouse can take steps to become better spouse.

Cheating takes a broken marriage, that would have taken work to repair regardless of the complication of cheating, and detonates an atomic bomb in the scene.

Yep, mostly the fault of the cheater in the final demise.[/quote]

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