Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Thoughts? If one party has an affair and the other party is hurt and angry over it and the hurt and anger eventually cause the breakup? Now it is just as much to do with the hurt party?

[Anonymous]

I don't like the word "blame", but most of the time, both parties are responsibility for the break up.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like victim blaming to me. The person who had the affair created the problem. They get the blame.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that the responsibility is shared equally in the situation you describe. I do think that there are some instances in which responsibility is pretty much entirely on one party - abuse, for example.

[Anonymous]

Right. And if a husband smacks the crap out of his wife regularly and she divorces him, she is at fault also because she was hurt enough to leave?

[Anonymous]

I don't think we have enough information to make a judgement about this. It would seem that the person who cheated is mostly to blame but then again, we don't know what transpired before that. That said - I believe that actual cheating is worse than "being hurt" about said cheating. In most divorces - I would say there is blame on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. If one party is abusive they pretty much have all the blame for the marriage's failure.

I also think the party who cheats is basically entirely to blame if the marriage fails. If the other spouse hangs on a while trying to make it work, kudos to them, but it's not really their fault if they can't get past it. The cheating was the act that really blew up the marriage. Nobody would have held the other spouse partly responsible if s/he had just asked for a divorce when s/he found out about the cheating; it doesn't suddenly become their fault if they try but fail to get over their hurt.

[Anonymous]

I think in 90% of marriages it's the fault of both partners. I knew plenty of women who married cheaters and then were shocked when they cheated on their marriage. I also know men and women who completely ignored their marriage and let it unravel. And then were shocked when the other person filed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like victim blaming to me. The person who had the affair created the problem. They get the blame.

What drove him/her to have an affair?

[Anonymous]

For a person stuck in the past or insistent upon rehashing old shit blame is very, very useful.
It allows a person to feel better about the breakup if they can place the blame on someone else and say, "It wasn't my fault" and it gives a person surer footing in the credibility department when they bad-mouth their ex and makes it arguably more justifiable to call them a piece of shit if they cheated.
But for a person moving forward with their life and going on to other experiences and other relationships and other outlooks on life period, blame serves no purpose.

[Anonymous]

In this case no way. The cheater violated every trust their partner had in them. People don't usually cheat unless they have a reason to, so in that sense there may be some shared responsibility of what led up to the infidelity, but not getting over being cheated on and divorcing is in no way their fault.

[Anonymous]

I actually disagree vehemently with this trope - and I'm in a fairly happy marriage. But many break-ups I've observed, there is one partner in the "wrong" - or at least who believes their needs outshadow those of his/her partner and family. Sure both partners may be less than perfect and act selfishly, but so often one partner is "blamed" for simply not reacting to or handling the hurtful actions of another "properly."

[Anonymous]

I don't think so, no. Lots of people have reasons to have affairs but choose not to and choose to address the issue in other ways (even if that way is leaving). No one is ever forced to cheat, though some circumstances certainly make it an understandable reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like victim blaming to me. The person who had the affair created the problem. They get the blame.

What drove him/her to have an affair?

If it bad enough to for you to seek others, it is bad enough to get a divorce first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the word "blame", but most of the time, both parties are responsibility for the break up.

There is no single rule - yes, sometimes one party all by themselves is entirely to "blame" and the other party is "faultless". However, this is exceedingly rare; generally both parties have to fall down on the job a good bit. It almost always takes two to tango.

Affairs are generally a symptom of a failed or failing marriage but not necessarily indicative or related to the reason for the failure. Plenty of people cheat when their spouse would gladly give them all the sex they want.