Live in Inlaws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Another Indian here, this advice is spot on. Find out what interests them, make sure they have some schedule like going for walks, grocery shopping, cooking, meeting friends, something which makes them feel useful and empowered. Make them feel like they are running the house (trust me it won't turn into their house, it's still yours). You can use PPs advice and formulate some good strategies or you can feel depressed, the choice is yours.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a lot of money? Can you buy your in-laws a nearby condo so that they can live somewhere else? I think my dad would have become homicidal if my Indian grandparents had moved in with us. Luckily, they have a home nearby and didn't want to move in with us.

Is there something you can do to make your house unpleasant so that your in-laws will avoid you? Are you sure pets are out of the question? The Indian side of the family doesn't like dogs.... so I would get a big dog....

Do they ever come during the summer? Maybe you and the kids can go on a really long vacation this summer and leave the inlaws at home...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you. You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels, as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad. You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick. I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws. I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them. I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them. I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society. I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here. There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned. I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL) lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person. I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible. I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you. You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels, as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad. You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick. I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws. I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them. I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them. I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society. I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here. There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned. I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL) lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person. I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible. I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you. You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels, as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad. You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick. I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws. I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them. I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them. I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society. I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here. There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned. I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL) lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person. I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible. I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you? It was bearable for me for few months in the beginning (7-8 months) but now its unbearable. I am waiting for the day they leave and I hate the day they plan to come back. Sometimes I secretly hope that they get sick and cannot travel. I know this is veryyyyyyyyy selfish of me to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you. You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels, as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad. You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick. I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws. I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them. I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them. I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society. I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here. There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned. I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL) lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person. I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible. I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you?

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you? It was bearable for me for few months in the beginning (7-8 months) but now its unbearable. I am waiting for the day they leave and I hate the day they plan to come back. Sometimes I secretly hope that they get sick and cannot travel. I know this is veryyyyyyyyy selfish of me to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws have stayed with us for 6 months. I know how you feel. It takes toll on the marriage and you.
Here is how I kept my sanity.
Rule 1: Know that it absolutely futile to whine to your husband. Because they just don't get it.
I absolutely stopped doing it. If I got mad - I said - "honey - I just need to vent about abc... And let you know how I feel.."
No action required from his side. And then let it go.

Rule 2: Set a good boundaries for yourself. Know that you will never be good enough. You are not their daughter.
So stop over compensating. It will get you nowhere.

Rule 3: There are only 2 people in your marriage. You and your husband. Keep it that way.
No use bringing MIL or FIL in your fights. Please do not fight about what MIL said it did with your husband. Your husband has no control over MIL.

Rule 4: Communicate openly and frankly with your husband. If you want your husband to do something specific, ask MIL something specific -
Ask very openly. Tell your husband that you love him and you will do this because you love him.
Pre-discuss deal breakers with him and have a plan between both of you.

Most importantly - OP - Be kind to yourself. Do things for you.

This is how I got thru my 6 months.
It is a lot of work. I am proud of myself. My husband has no idea how difficult it is.

Is this a troll or mother in law writing?

I don't think PP is a troll. Based on her responses, I think she's an FOB Indian. They have a different way of looking at the inlaw relationship than Indian American or White American women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Actually, I am not. However, they think I am. I just manage them very well. You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that. People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking. It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own. That is so crazy. However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day, and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter. Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too. I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! )

No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you. You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels, as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad. You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick. I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws. I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them. I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them. I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society. I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here. There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned. I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL) lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person. I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible. I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you?

OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you? It was bearable for me for few months in the beginning (7-8 months) but now its unbearable. I am waiting for the day they leave and I hate the day they plan to come back. Sometimes I secretly hope that they get sick and cannot travel. I know this is veryyyyyyyyy selfish of me to think.

6 - 8 months. They have also stayed some years for only a couple months as well as for a fortnight. Adjusting when I was newly wed was harder because the familiarity was not there with them. Over the years, it has been easier. My DH is incredibly supportive and loving, and that has helped me a lot to do my part in being gracious with my ILs. As every Desi bahu knows, there were indirect comments made and nit-picking about things in the beginning. But, my tactic was to concede to everyone that I was a lousy in domestic matters and that my MIL was super talented. I sang her praises to everyone and gave her the crown of the "queen of the kitchen and the household" - and that really placated her. She also wanted me to don the persona of a good dutiful bahu in front of other Indians that she knew. I made sure that I was super solicitous to her, and gave her that "izzat". Another thing was that she did not want her son (DH) to do any household work. I worked that out by hiring help, as I was also busy with my work. She also wants us to consult her on domestic things like "what vegetables should we cook for dinner, with what daal?". So, we did that.

I will caution you that if they get sick, it will be a big strain on your household. Your DH is their son. He will not abandon them and you will also need to do your part. Infact, you should pray for their continued good health.

You cannot control what they say or do, but you can control your reactions to it. I have always laughed off any criticism they make, agreed with their assessment of my qualities (or lack of), and pretty much continued to live the way I want to live my life. My poor cooking skills (and use of frozen food from Costco) resulted in MIL taking over the kitchen (which I appreciate, because desi visitors still want their three freshly cooked meals with a lot of variety). I also noticed when she did something for the house, and made it a point to compliment her in front of DH and others. Basically, acknowledged and praised her. Once I was able to get on the good side of MIL, I was able to get on the good side of FIL.

Seriously, it is like placating and keeping your most temperamental client happy and satisfied and building a good working relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, you asked how I've kept our in-laws from moving in. For one, I'm not of the culture. I'm American, and I made a point to gently demonstrate how many things they'd find intolerable about the way I run my household, and that I would not be changing anything to their ways. They did not need to live with us, and they have plenty of others to live with. It was just a matter of eldest son expectations.

I had to be careful about it, as I didn't want to hurt any feelings, but between personality issues and cultural lifestyle differences, we would all have hated each other within a week. My MIL has hated me ever since, anyway, and has made things very difficult for us. Her continuing negative behavior makes me glad every day that I had the foresight and strength to keep them from moving in.

It was also important that I finally got my husband to look at it realistically and see that it wouldn't work, because he naturally would always prefer to have his family live with us. If you want that, you need to pick a wife of your culture who's easy going and likes appeasing, pleasing, and placating everyone, like a previous poster described herself.

[Anonymous]

I am first generation Greek American. My grandmother took turns staying at our house and my aunt and uncles' homes so I have experience with this.

My mom told me to NEVER do this with my in-laws when I was growing up (she was thinking/hoping I would marry a Greek and this is definitely part of our culture) because she hated it and it made both her and my dad miserable.

Thankfully I married a WASP and there is no way in hell he would ever go for parents living with us. If/when it comes time for our parents to sell their homes and move a nearby condo/nursing home is the closest they'll ever be to living with us. Right now they all live states away.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try to adjust and see how things go.

But no offense, I don't think I can do the dutiful things Indian wife has mentioned for the following:

1) I have seen my parents being independent and done their own stuff...cook, clean etc

2) I don't like to be dependent on anyone for anything. That's my nature...

3) I gave up my entire household during their first year of visit and I know how it turned out....They always kept on saying that, good we are here or else not sure what you guys will do without us..who will cook, clean or take care of kids...basically hinting I am good for nothing. I hated that

4) I am an adult and would like to be one by managing my own household and not defendant upon them. They had their chance, now its my turn

I may sound arrogant or not dutiful but that's how I have been raised. Independent. I guess it difficult for girls to adjust if they have never seen their grandparents living with them or have not come from Joint family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try to adjust and see how things go.

But no offense, I don't think I can do the dutiful things Indian wife has mentioned for the following:

1) I have seen my parents being independent and done their own stuff...cook, clean etc

2) I don't like to be dependent on anyone for anything. That's my nature...

3) I gave up my entire household during their first year of visit and I know how it turned out....They always kept on saying that, good we are here or else not sure what you guys will do without us..who will cook, clean or take care of kids...basically hinting I am good for nothing. I hated that

4) I am an adult and would like to be one by managing my own household and not defendant upon them. They had their chance, now its my turn

I may sound arrogant or not dutiful but that's how I have been raised. Independent. I guess it difficult for girls to adjust if they have never seen their grandparents living with them or have not come from Joint family.

Perfect. I loved what you say. I am also another Indian. I agree with your thoughts 100%. That's how one grows as a couple. Taking responsibility and being in charge

[Anonymous]

OP, speaking as a woman outside of your culture - but raised in a conservative Catholic family/area with its own hangups - all I can say is: This is your LIFE. You only get one shot at it. Please, take steps to be happy. This is AMERICA and you are FREE. Tell DH that the IL-living-in is OVER. You sound like a nice person who's basically enslaved by extreme cultural expectations. That is just wrong. Stand up, OP. If you don't do it now, you never will. I wish you good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you put them to work? Ask them to pitch in/"do you mind doing xyz, it would be soo helpful!" Then either you have help or they don't like it and they decide not to stay so long...or at all.

My MIL lives with us, and is also from another culture (not Asian), but she's enormously helpful. I don't know how we would do it without her. I don't know how other people do it without the so-called village. Not that she doesn't drive me crazy sometimes; she most certainly does. But she's SO helpful I can't really complain too much. Sometimes I suspect that's her plan, ha.

New Poster. My Asian MIL is quite helpful when she stays with us. She helps with cooking and watches the kids if needed. I don't ask her to do these things but she does it herself. However, afterwards she will go on and on about how she was able to work, cook elaborate meals, and raise 2 successful children without any help from her inlaws as they lived in India (with their oldest son). So I'd rather not take any of her help since she has this kind of attitude towards it.

OP here: Like I said earlier, its the same for me...I rather do all the stuff instead of them bragging about it...

This is how they are, most of them. They LOOVE to brag about what awesome mothers/spouses/dils/daughters they were. I am Indian and its more or less the same of many Indian mother in laws, particularly the ones who came later in life. It's rather infuriating.

They will NEVER have any expectations of their daughters, just their daughter in laws.

I lived with my in-laws for 18 months. It was awful. Seriously co templated walking out with my 2.5 year old and 6 month old. Spouse realized how terrible they were and finally asked them to go. You need to get through to him.