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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time.  It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them.   My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I   make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH.  My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower  to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food.  I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement.  I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them.  In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships.  It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities  (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited. 
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WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!![/quote]

Actually, I am not.  However, they think I am. I just manage them very well.   You have to figure out what they value and make them believe that they are getting that.  People react to you on how you behave with them. They have no insight on what you are thinking.  It is knowing basic human psychology and using that.

Maybe, I can do that also because in my heart of hearts I am not really that invested. I cannot be invested, you know! It is unnatural to take a full grown woman (me) and tell her that I should treat someone else's mom (MIL) as my own.  That is so crazy.  However, I am beyond polite and very solicitous to them. I treat them as I would treat my clients. I nod my head when they say something, I smile and ask them about their day,  and I do not take offense to whatever they say to me, because it just does not matter.  Also, maintaining peace and also fulfilling some cultural/social expectations is a good goal to strive for.

I have the same attitude at work too.  I am pleasant with my completely irrational boss, because it is not worth the stress to make him see my point of view. When I need a person to have a heart to heart with, I have my DH and my close friends and family.  [/quote]

Isn't this way of dealing people, at least on some level, dishonest? I see this as presenting a false face to these people. How much of this do your children see? Do they realize your true feelings toward their grandparents? And, will you someday expect your children to do the same? (I'm guessing not! :) )
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No, it is not dishonest. You find ways of minimizing conflict in situations where the scope of conflict is high. In a family situation, it is easy to have your feelings hurt because there is a sense of entitlement about how your family should interact with you.  You learn not to sweat the small stuff. You do not let your ego be involved. You maintain a mental distance between you and people you have to deal with. You also realized that you cannot completely know what a person thinks or feels,  as they cannot know what you think or feel - so it is waste of time to feel bad.  You can deflect criticism by being cheerful and diverting their attention.

I do not interfere at all in my kids relationships with their grandparents and uncles and aunts.  I hope that my kids have learned that they have to be courteous to people at all time. To have patience with people, to not take offense at small things, to figure out what makes people tick.   I do not have any negative feelings about my in-laws.  I am neutral. I do my duty to them and I have a friendly relation with them.  I am not their bosom buddy and I do not confide all my issues to them.   I am available when there are familiar duties to be done. I follow through on every social obligation I have - I think that is part of the marriage contract. My kids also know that sometimes we do things for others, even if we are not too keen to, because it is expected of us in our society.  I hope my kids have learned to put the needs of others before their own for the sake of harmony.

I find it amazing that there are so many threads about evil MILs and DILs here.  There has to be some adjustment from both sides and there has to be thicker skins for all concerned.  I do not interfere at all in my any of my ILs (even SIL or BIL)  lives - except as a thoughtful and courteous person.  I have low expectations and I fulfill my duties cheerfully to the extent possible.  I am not dishonest with myself that I cannot feel the same way about my MIL as I feel about my mom, but, can I give MIL the courtesy and attention she needs and deserve as an elder of the family? I think I do a good job of it.   
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OP here: How long does your in laws stay with you? It was bearable for me for few months in the beginning (7-8 months) but now its unbearable. I am waiting for the day they leave and I hate the day they plan to come back. Sometimes I secretly hope that they get sick and cannot travel. I know this is veryyyyyyyyy selfish of me to think.[/quote]

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