Live in Inlaws
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Anonymous
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I am tired of my inlaws. They have been staying with us for almost a year...They are leaving in couple of months...Cannot wait for that day. Its a cultural thing..
When I see posts abt inlaws visting for a day or a week, ppl venting about it...It makes me frustrated that I am living with them for almost a year...This is not it...They are going to come back in few months and stay again with us for same amount of time. Anyone in the same boat? I am from Pakistan and its a cultural thing to live with your inlaws. I know most of the Asians (Indian, Chinese) follow similar culture... Vent Over! |
Anonymous
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OP here...Just wanted to see if anyone in the same situation and how they dealt with the stress of having them all the time?
Please help before I go crazy. At times, I don't feel like going back home from work but do it for the sake of my kids... |
Anonymous
| OP, I feel for you. Since it's runs in the culture, I am sure your DH is useless for separating yours and DH's family life from HIS family. What about can your side of Family stay with you guys for a same amount of time? Can you make up some excuse for your family to stay with you? Unless your DH experiences what you are experiencing, he will NEVER understands it that living in-laws are like boss at office. |
Anonymous
| My father has been with us for over a year, not cultural, just more he's a lazy sod and won't find a job. We are slowly being driven crazy as well. DH wants him out by the holidays. Who knows what will actually happen. The thing that gets me by, is imagining what we will do when he moves out. Besides a massive deep clean, redecorating his room, saving money because we are no longer going to be paying for everything, maybe a romantic dinner with candles, you know without him sitting in the living room yelling at fox news! Ahhh, families! Just think of all the things you want to do when they are gone and start planning! Good luck OP! |
Anonymous
| Wait, just saw that you're on the hook again in the future, is there no other family they can stay with? Or do you have a basement that can be made into a living area for them? Their own space so they can stay out of yours? I'm so sorry OP. |
Anonymous
My family doesn't live in this county. My parents are also too old and don't want to come here. We don't have any other family here...Just friends. Sometimes I just wish I was born in America without this cultural stuff.. My DH can never understand how I feel. We had multiple fights over this. He tries to understand but then again "He says they are my parents. Cannot go against them..." He plays the victim card saying that "he is sandwiched between his parents and me." |
Anonymous
No basement...They have their own room though. They only go for few months back to the country and come back saying they are going to live here until they get their citizenship..until 5 years. I am pretty sure they want to move here |
Anonymous
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I have never heard of such an arrangement.
When I married, I married one man, not his whole family. If he insisted on them living with us, the marriage would be over. Quick. Now if we were talking about helping because of age related, health related, money related problems, I'd work that out but them coming for an extended stay just for the hell of it ? NO. Girl, it's your house too. Make it clear to your husband this is the final visit unless they pay rent or pay off your house. I'm serious. If you don't put your foot down then don't complain. |
Anonymous
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It's NOT a cultural thing.
It's a disaster/\divorce in the making. Make it stop. Now. I had to put up w/BIL living with us for 7.5 months a year ago. It almost killed the marriage. I mean it. Even with 3 kids, I was ready to walk. With them. The dysfunctionality was beyond belief. |
Anonymous
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Actually, it IS a cultural thing. I've been battling to keep in-laws from moving in with us for years. You have to get your husband on the same page as you. If he understands that it makes you so miserable that you don't even want to come home, maybe he'll see he needs to figure out some compromises.
Are there other family members they could stay with? A lot of families take turns hosting the parents. Can you afford to set something up that would give you more privacy when they are there? In-law suite or whatever? Are there any issues that would make them not want to stay with you, like they have pet allergies and you just happen to adopt some pets? |
Anonymous
Op Here: Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I don't think any of this will work. We are the only one they can live with..and pets is not an option. How have you succeeded in keeping your in-laws moving away from you? I also see many Indian families in our neighborhood. I see them with their parents/in-laws staying with them for atleast 6 months. How do you guys mange it? Am I the only one who is not able to handle it? I am very surprised to see no one has posted about parents/inlaws staying with them for long period of time... |
Anonymous
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Do they contribute to the household expenses at all while they are there?
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Anonymous
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My in-laws have stayed with us for 6 months. I know how you feel. It takes toll on the marriage and you.
Here is how I kept my sanity. Rule 1: Know that it absolutely futile to whine to your husband. Because they just don't get it. I absolutely stopped doing it. If I got mad - I said - "honey - I just need to vent about abc... And let you know how I feel.." No action required from his side. And then let it go. Rule 2: Set a good boundaries for yourself. Know that you will never be good enough. You are not their daughter. So stop over compensating. It will get you nowhere. Rule 3: There are only 2 people in your marriage. You and your husband. Keep it that way. No use bringing MIL or FIL in your fights. Please do not fight about what MIL said it did with your husband. Your husband has no control over MIL. Rule 4: Communicate openly and frankly with your husband. If you want your husband to do something specific, ask MIL something specific - Ask very openly. Tell your husband that you love him and you will do this because you love him. Pre-discuss deal breakers with him and have a plan between both of you. Most importantly - OP - Be kind to yourself. Do things for you. This is how I got thru my 6 months. It is a lot of work. I am proud of myself. My husband has no idea how difficult it is. |
Anonymous
No. In fact they expect us to buy them stuff and would compare against another family. His son/daughter-in-law bought blah blah blah for their parents...indirectly hinting that we are not buying for them. (Again a CULTURAL thing) However, they do help out a lot with household work like cooking, taking care if kids etc. But I rather do it instead of them bragging about the stuff they do |
Anonymous
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Regarding the 'it's cultural' statement I was wondering are all Indian/Pakistani women expected to have their inlaws live with them eventually?
Does this also apply for Indian/Pakistani- Americans so just more recent immigrants? |