Live in Inlaws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The MILs who are always watching you like a hawk are the worst. Mine is like that. She wants to control everything and everyone. She roots through peoples' things, rearranging stuff, taking what she thinks they shouldn't have and hiding it. She watches everyone like they're thieves or incompetent. She grabs things from your hands and talks over people. She'll often literally jump between her son and me, body checking me. She has no boundaries. She's always trying to get her son back, talking about him as if he's a toddler, putting him down, trying to tell him he's weak and a bad son and that I'm "controlling" him somehow.

My advice on this (and I've been in your situation) is to not react. Let her have her son - seriously. The more you try to push/pull, the more she reacts....just detach. When she stops seeing you as the enemy/usurper this behavior will reduce. But if you try to "prove" your position, she'll continue this behavior. Just disarm - your spouse will appreciate it too, and see his mom as the crazy one if he hasn't already.

[Anonymous]

So my in-laws are also here for extended time. As someone mentioned, I too have a MIL who is like a hawk who keeps on commenting my every move. So, few weeks back she commented something and I directly told her not to look @ me all the time. This upset her big time and now she wouldn't talk to me. All the emotional drama, trying to make me look bad in front of DH

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of the posters married men of other cultures and now want to strip them of their culture because it doesn't coincide with their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The MILs who are always watching you like a hawk are the worst. Mine is like that. She wants to control everything and everyone. She roots through peoples' things, rearranging stuff, taking what she thinks they shouldn't have and hiding it. She watches everyone like they're thieves or incompetent. She grabs things from your hands and talks over people. She'll often literally jump between her son and me, body checking me. She has no boundaries. She's always trying to get her son back, talking about him as if he's a toddler, putting him down, trying to tell him he's weak and a bad son and that I'm "controlling" him somehow.

My advice on this (and I've been in your situation) is to not react. Let her have her son - seriously. The more you try to push/pull, the more she reacts....just detach. When she stops seeing you as the enemy/usurper this behavior will reduce. But if you try to "prove" your position, she'll continue this behavior. Just disarm - your spouse will appreciate it too, and see his mom as the crazy one if he hasn't already.

Thank you for the input. I agree that it's best not to react, and that's exactly how I have always handled it. I don't agree that this kind of MIL necessarily will change, though. I've been completely nice, always pretending to ignore her antics for many years, and she's never going to change. It's not about "letting her have her son," because I don't own her son. He makes his own choices and sets his own boundaries, thanks to years of therapy, and over time he's started to see how crazy things are with her. She is a rather ruthless narcissist who sees everyone as pawns that she can manipulate as she sees fit, to meet her needs and her view of how they should reflect on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the posters married men of other cultures and now want to strip them of their culture because it doesn't coincide with their own?

When people of different cultures marry, compromises have to be made. You don't give men much credit if you think they are ignorant weaklings who can be stripped of their culture. There are a lot of ways to live in this world. We are all free to choose the healthiest, most positive aspects of our cultures and our spouses' cultures, and reject the destructive, oppressive, unhealthy parts. Often, that involves dealing with elders entrenched in those ways and very deeply rooted assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The MILs who are always watching you like a hawk are the worst. Mine is like that. She wants to control everything and everyone. She roots through peoples' things, rearranging stuff, taking what she thinks they shouldn't have and hiding it. She watches everyone like they're thieves or incompetent. She grabs things from your hands and talks over people. She'll often literally jump between her son and me, body checking me. She has no boundaries. She's always trying to get her son back, talking about him as if he's a toddler, putting him down, trying to tell him he's weak and a bad son and that I'm "controlling" him somehow.

My advice on this (and I've been in your situation) is to not react. Let her have her son - seriously. The more you try to push/pull, the more she reacts....just detach. When she stops seeing you as the enemy/usurper this behavior will reduce. But if you try to "prove" your position, she'll continue this behavior. Just disarm - your spouse will appreciate it too, and see his mom as the crazy one if he hasn't already.

My Mil is the same and I used the 'detach' method with great results! So I also recommend it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my in-laws are also here for extended time. As someone mentioned, I too have a MIL who is like a hawk who keeps on commenting my every move. So, few weeks back she commented something and I directly told her not to look @ me all the time. This upset her big time and now she wouldn't talk to me. All the emotional drama, trying to make me look bad in front of DH

Are you from a different culture than your MIL? I'm wondering if my MIL watches me like a hawk all the time because she thinks I'm some incompetent foreigner. Ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my in-laws are also here for extended time. As someone mentioned, I too have a MIL who is like a hawk who keeps on commenting my every move. So, few weeks back she commented something and I directly told her not to look @ me all the time. This upset her big time and now she wouldn't talk to me. All the emotional drama, trying to make me look bad in front of DH

Are you from a different culture than your MIL? I'm wondering if my MIL watches me like a hawk all the time because she thinks I'm some incompetent foreigner. Ha

Nope, same culture. I think MIL just cannot trust DIL...Same culture or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the posters married men of other cultures and now want to strip them of their culture because it doesn't coincide with their own?

When people of different cultures marry, compromises have to be made. You don't give men much credit if you think they are ignorant weaklings who can be stripped of their culture. There are a lot of ways to live in this world. We are all free to choose the healthiest, most positive aspects of our cultures and our spouses' cultures, and reject the destructive, oppressive, unhealthy parts. Often, that involves dealing with elders entrenched in those ways and very deeply rooted assumptions.

It seems that the wives are expecting the husbands to give up their culture and not the other way around. Typical case of marrying someone and then trying to change them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the posters married men of other cultures and now want to strip them of their culture because it doesn't coincide with their own?

When people of different cultures marry, compromises have to be made. You don't give men much credit if you think they are ignorant weaklings who can be stripped of their culture. There are a lot of ways to live in this world. We are all free to choose the healthiest, most positive aspects of our cultures and our spouses' cultures, and reject the destructive, oppressive, unhealthy parts. Often, that involves dealing with elders entrenched in those ways and very deeply rooted assumptions.

It seems that the wives are expecting the husbands to give up their culture and not the other way around. Typical case of marrying someone and then trying to change them.

You must be DH. I wonder how would you feel if your inlaws lived with you? My guess is not too happy.

[Anonymous]

You must be a DH. I wonder how would you feel if your inlaws lived with you? My guess is not too happy.