Live in Inlaws

[Anonymous]

Well this thread is making my mother in law's five week visit look like a cake walk... Thanks for that.

I am surprised that they can visit for so long though. I believe my MIL can only stay up to three months at a time and she is coming from Western Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well this thread is making my mother in law's five week visit look like a cake walk... Thanks for that.

I am surprised that they can visit for so long though. I believe my MIL can only stay up to three months at a time and she is coming from Western Europe.

I was about to post the same question - my parents are in Europe and also have a three month limit. How are some of you hosting relatives for 6-9 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well this thread is making my mother in law's five week visit look like a cake walk... Thanks for that.

I am surprised that they can visit for so long though. I believe my MIL can only stay up to three months at a time and she is coming from Western Europe.

I was about to post the same question - my parents are in Europe and also have a three month limit. How are some of you hosting relatives for 6-9 months?

Op here: They have Green card. They can stay as long as they want. They also want citizenship and for that they need to stay atleast 6 months in US in a year for the next 5 years.............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well this thread is making my mother in law's five week visit look like a cake walk... Thanks for that.

I am surprised that they can visit for so long though. I believe my MIL can only stay up to three months at a time and she is coming from Western Europe.

I was about to post the same question - my parents are in Europe and also have a three month limit. How are some of you hosting relatives for 6-9 months?

Op here: They have Green card. They can stay as long as they want. They also want citizenship and for that they need to stay atleast 6 months in US in a year for the next 5 years.............

How did they get their greencard? I am dreading the day we get citizenship..My husband wants to apply for his parents greencard once we get citizenship and that's a big NO NO for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well this thread is making my mother in law's five week visit look like a cake walk... Thanks for that.

I am surprised that they can visit for so long though. I believe my MIL can only stay up to three months at a time and she is coming from Western Europe.

I was about to post the same question - my parents are in Europe and also have a three month limit. How are some of you hosting relatives for 6-9 months?

Op here: They have Green card. They can stay as long as they want. They also want citizenship and for that they need to stay atleast 6 months in US in a year for the next 5 years.............

How did they get their greencard? I am dreading the day we get citizenship..My husband wants to apply for his parents greencard once we get citizenship and that's a big NO NO for me

OP here: My husband applied for their citizenship. My advice...Never get citizenship if your husband plans to bring his parents to US. Give him any reason but convince him not to do that

[Anonymous]

Indian-american here. OP, you married a South Asian man, presumably raised in Pakistan, not here. How, exactly, do you convince a Desi man NOT to bring his parents here ? The only way you could is if there are other siblings still in Pak that they could stay with. O/W, especially if your spouse is the only child, they will bring their parents - we are not a culture that believes our parents should get old alone. And honestly, you shouldn't expect them to either. You wouldn't want that for your own parents, would you?

The best you can hope for is to build an inlaw suite for them (with kitchen/bath/tv area) - make this a condition if you can with spouse. We have a walk-out ground floor basement and my inlaws stay there when they visit. It provides some separation. And then get them desi TV via satellite, and put them on a schedule, as a pp suggested. In our town, there is a temple nearby with activities for seniors, so take them to something like that. My FIL was sick, so we actually had to hire a caregiver, and the caregiver took my inlaws to the temple twice a week and for some senior games thingy and then to the park for walks.

And then, and this is the hard part, but you'll have to make clear boundaries with MIL. You can do it kindly, but you still need to do it. FWIW, I lived with both sets of grandparents most of my life as a child and I saw my mom do this - she didn't fight, but she was very firm on what was her role and what she could give up.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me realize that however much I dread seeing some family for the holidays, it could be much, much worse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-american here. OP, you married a South Asian man, presumably raised in Pakistan, not here. How, exactly, do you convince a Desi man NOT to bring his parents here ? The only way you could is if there are other siblings still in Pak that they could stay with. O/W, especially if your spouse is the only child, they will bring their parents - we are not a culture that believes our parents should get old alone. And honestly, you shouldn't expect them to either. You wouldn't want that for your own parents, would you?

The best you can hope for is to build an inlaw suite for them (with kitchen/bath/tv area) - make this a condition if you can with spouse. We have a walk-out ground floor basement and my inlaws stay there when they visit. It provides some separation. And then get them desi TV via satellite, and put them on a schedule, as a pp suggested. In our town, there is a temple nearby with activities for seniors, so take them to something like that. My FIL was sick, so we actually had to hire a caregiver, and the caregiver took my inlaws to the temple twice a week and for some senior games thingy and then to the park for walks.

And then, and this is the hard part, but you'll have to make clear boundaries with MIL. You can do it kindly, but you still need to do it. FWIW, I lived with both sets of grandparents most of my life as a child and I saw my mom do this - she didn't fight, but she was very firm on what was her role and what she could give up.

OP here: Its good to see a man's response about this matter. I wish my husband was like you. I know he will never agree to this. If I bring this topic, I will be considered spoiled and not cultured. He will never agree for them to stay in basement or another place..
I pray to God that this South Asian obsession with parents just somehow stop magically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me realize that however much I dread seeing some family for the holidays, it could be much, much worse!

OP here: Exactly. I get jealous when I read on DCUM forums about people ranting about in-laws visit for few days or weeks. You guys have no idea how we feel living with in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me realize that however much I dread seeing some family for the holidays, it could be much, much worse!

OP here: Exactly. I get jealous when I read on DCUM forums about people ranting about in-laws visit for few days or weeks. You guys have no idea how we feel living with in-laws

Live your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-american here. OP, you married a South Asian man, presumably raised in Pakistan, not here. How, exactly, do you convince a Desi man NOT to bring his parents here ? The only way you could is if there are other siblings still in Pak that they could stay with. O/W, especially if your spouse is the only child, they will bring their parents - we are not a culture that believes our parents should get old alone. And honestly, you shouldn't expect them to either. You wouldn't want that for your own parents, would you?

The best you can hope for is to build an inlaw suite for them (with kitchen/bath/tv area) - make this a condition if you can with spouse. We have a walk-out ground floor basement and my inlaws stay there when they visit. It provides some separation. And then get them desi TV via satellite, and put them on a schedule, as a pp suggested. In our town, there is a temple nearby with activities for seniors, so take them to something like that. My FIL was sick, so we actually had to hire a caregiver, and the caregiver took my inlaws to the temple twice a week and for some senior games thingy and then to the park for walks.

And then, and this is the hard part, but you'll have to make clear boundaries with MIL. You can do it kindly, but you still need to do it. FWIW, I lived with both sets of grandparents most of my life as a child and I saw my mom do this - she didn't fight, but she was very firm on what was her role and what she could give up.

OP here: Its good to see a man's response about this matter. I wish my husband was like you. I know he will never agree to this. If I bring this topic, I will be considered spoiled and not cultured. He will never agree for them to stay in basement or another place..
I pray to God that this South Asian obsession with parents just somehow stop magically.

I'm the indian-american you quote here, OP, but I'm actually a woman, LOL. But I do have an indian spouse who was fine with his parents living in our heated, daylight basement 'apartment' , so I suppose he is different from your DH....he actually really appreciates the space too, and I think your spouse would come to love it.

And I have to say, you have to make a choice. Are you going to keep yourself emotionally uninvested as the indian wife PP described (the "dutiful" daughter in law)? Are you going to back out of this marriage entirely because you just can't see yourself living with his parents? Because it seems like you are not willing to walk out, but you're also not willing to try to 'manage' your mother in law in order to achieve peace.

I live with my inlaws for long stretches too. I do not try to constantly please my MIL or stroke her ego, but I also am not disrespectful. I have my stuff - work, cleaning, kids EC activities, gym, book club, etc. - mainly I just stay really busy and we don't interact a ton. MIL will often say barbed comments to me, and I do not respond at all, nor do I mention it to my spouse. I literally act like it wasn't said and just talk about something else. After ten years, her comments barely register anymore. She in turn, realized that her comments/advice falls on deaf ears and stopped trying. The only time I address her comments head on is when she disparages me to my kids. Then I say "Ma, have you ever known a child who likes seeing his mom being put down? Because I don't. If you keep putting me down in front of DC, I promise he is going to grow up not liking you very much". That shuts it down. I also just make it clear that they are to ask me before they allow DC1/2 to do anything (eat candy before dinner, watch tv w/o doing hw, go outside w/o telling us with who) - i.e. I'm still the boss of my kids. They can't interfere in parenting. And that is what I mean about making boundaries - you have to do it, even if people dislike you for it.

FWIW, I used to have the reputation in my MIL's family as being a very defiant DIL, because I didn't change my last name, am still super close to my own family, and because my spouse and I make decisions jointly. No doubt they hated me years 0-5. But now they seem to have gotten used to my crazy American ways. Either that, or they are just old now and care more about their Indian soap operas than duking it out. Either way, accept that not everyone is going to like you, but you can still be a good person even without everyone's approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-american here. OP, you married a South Asian man, presumably raised in Pakistan, not here. How, exactly, do you convince a Desi man NOT to bring his parents here ? The only way you could is if there are other siblings still in Pak that they could stay with. O/W, especially if your spouse is the only child, they will bring their parents - we are not a culture that believes our parents should get old alone. And honestly, you shouldn't expect them to either. You wouldn't want that for your own parents, would you?

The best you can hope for is to build an inlaw suite for them (with kitchen/bath/tv area) - make this a condition if you can with spouse. We have a walk-out ground floor basement and my inlaws stay there when they visit. It provides some separation. And then get them desi TV via satellite, and put them on a schedule, as a pp suggested. In our town, there is a temple nearby with activities for seniors, so take them to something like that. My FIL was sick, so we actually had to hire a caregiver, and the caregiver took my inlaws to the temple twice a week and for some senior games thingy and then to the park for walks.

And then, and this is the hard part, but you'll have to make clear boundaries with MIL. You can do it kindly, but you still need to do it. FWIW, I lived with both sets of grandparents most of my life as a child and I saw my mom do this - she didn't fight, but she was very firm on what was her role and what she could give up.

OP here: Its good to see a man's response about this matter. I wish my husband was like you. I know he will never agree to this. If I bring this topic, I will be considered spoiled and not cultured. He will never agree for them to stay in basement or another place..
I pray to God that this South Asian obsession with parents just somehow stop magically.

I'm the indian-american you quote here, OP, but I'm actually a woman, LOL. But I do have an indian spouse who was fine with his parents living in our heated, daylight basement 'apartment' , so I suppose he is different from your DH....he actually really appreciates the space too, and I think your spouse would come to love it.

And I have to say, you have to make a choice. Are you going to keep yourself emotionally uninvested as the indian wife PP described (the "dutiful" daughter in law)? Are you going to back out of this marriage entirely because you just can't see yourself living with his parents? Because it seems like you are not willing to walk out, but you're also not willing to try to 'manage' your mother in law in order to achieve peace.

I live with my inlaws for long stretches too. I do not try to constantly please my MIL or stroke her ego, but I also am not disrespectful. I have my stuff - work, cleaning, kids EC activities, gym, book club, etc. - mainly I just stay really busy and we don't interact a ton. MIL will often say barbed comments to me, and I do not respond at all, nor do I mention it to my spouse. I literally act like it wasn't said and just talk about something else. After ten years, her comments barely register anymore. She in turn, realized that her comments/advice falls on deaf ears and stopped trying. The only time I address her comments head on is when she disparages me to my kids. Then I say "Ma, have you ever known a child who likes seeing his mom being put down? Because I don't. If you keep putting me down in front of DC, I promise he is going to grow up not liking you very much". That shuts it down. I also just make it clear that they are to ask me before they allow DC1/2 to do anything (eat candy before dinner, watch tv w/o doing hw, go outside w/o telling us with who) - i.e. I'm still the boss of my kids. They can't interfere in parenting. And that is what I mean about making boundaries - you have to do it, even if people dislike you for it.

FWIW, I used to have the reputation in my MIL's family as being a very defiant DIL, because I didn't change my last name, am still super close to my own family, and because my spouse and I make decisions jointly. No doubt they hated me years 0-5. But now they seem to have gotten used to my crazy American ways. Either that, or they are just old now and care more about their Indian soap operas than duking it out. Either way, accept that not everyone is going to like you, but you can still be a good person even without everyone's approval.

OP here: Thanks for the advice. I have started to ignore her comments. So far we had fights twice during their stay (around 10 months stay). I have also found that once in a while letting out verbally brings calmness in my mind. If I try to hold it longer, I constantly feel a pressure in my heart and mind. I also feel like telling her not to watch me constantly as to what I am doing. Whenever I am in kitchen, she is like " Oh, I already did this or that" How would she know if she is not constantly looking at me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-american here. OP, you married a South Asian man, presumably raised in Pakistan, not here. How, exactly, do you convince a Desi man NOT to bring his parents here ? The only way you could is if there are other siblings still in Pak that they could stay with. O/W, especially if your spouse is the only child, they will bring their parents - we are not a culture that believes our parents should get old alone. And honestly, you shouldn't expect them to either. You wouldn't want that for your own parents, would you?

The best you can hope for is to build an inlaw suite for them (with kitchen/bath/tv area) - make this a condition if you can with spouse. We have a walk-out ground floor basement and my inlaws stay there when they visit. It provides some separation. And then get them desi TV via satellite, and put them on a schedule, as a pp suggested. In our town, there is a temple nearby with activities for seniors, so take them to something like that. My FIL was sick, so we actually had to hire a caregiver, and the caregiver took my inlaws to the temple twice a week and for some senior games thingy and then to the park for walks.

And then, and this is the hard part, but you'll have to make clear boundaries with MIL. You can do it kindly, but you still need to do it. FWIW, I lived with both sets of grandparents most of my life as a child and I saw my mom do this - she didn't fight, but she was very firm on what was her role and what she could give up.

OP here: Its good to see a man's response about this matter. I wish my husband was like you. I know he will never agree to this. If I bring this topic, I will be considered spoiled and not cultured. He will never agree for them to stay in basement or another place..
I pray to God that this South Asian obsession with parents just somehow stop magically.

I'm the indian-american you quote here, OP, but I'm actually a woman, LOL. But I do have an indian spouse who was fine with his parents living in our heated, daylight basement 'apartment' , so I suppose he is different from your DH....he actually really appreciates the space too, and I think your spouse would come to love it.

And I have to say, you have to make a choice. Are you going to keep yourself emotionally uninvested as the indian wife PP described (the "dutiful" daughter in law)? Are you going to back out of this marriage entirely because you just can't see yourself living with his parents? Because it seems like you are not willing to walk out, but you're also not willing to try to 'manage' your mother in law in order to achieve peace.

I live with my inlaws for long stretches too. I do not try to constantly please my MIL or stroke her ego, but I also am not disrespectful. I have my stuff - work, cleaning, kids EC activities, gym, book club, etc. - mainly I just stay really busy and we don't interact a ton. MIL will often say barbed comments to me, and I do not respond at all, nor do I mention it to my spouse. I literally act like it wasn't said and just talk about something else. After ten years, her comments barely register anymore. She in turn, realized that her comments/advice falls on deaf ears and stopped trying. The only time I address her comments head on is when she disparages me to my kids. Then I say "Ma, have you ever known a child who likes seeing his mom being put down? Because I don't. If you keep putting me down in front of DC, I promise he is going to grow up not liking you very much". That shuts it down. I also just make it clear that they are to ask me before they allow DC1/2 to do anything (eat candy before dinner, watch tv w/o doing hw, go outside w/o telling us with who) - i.e. I'm still the boss of my kids. They can't interfere in parenting. And that is what I mean about making boundaries - you have to do it, even if people dislike you for it.

FWIW, I used to have the reputation in my MIL's family as being a very defiant DIL, because I didn't change my last name, am still super close to my own family, and because my spouse and I make decisions jointly. No doubt they hated me years 0-5. But now they seem to have gotten used to my crazy American ways. Either that, or they are just old now and care more about their Indian soap operas than duking it out. Either way, accept that not everyone is going to like you, but you can still be a good person even without everyone's approval.

OP here: Thanks for the advice. I have started to ignore her comments. So far we had fights twice during their stay (around 10 months stay). I have also found that once in a while letting out verbally brings calmness in my mind. If I try to hold it longer, I constantly feel a pressure in my heart and mind. I also feel like telling her not to watch me constantly as to what I am doing. Whenever I am in kitchen, she is like " Oh, I already did this or that" How would she know if she is not constantly looking at me...

I meant how would she know what I am trying to do if she is not constantly looking at me

[Anonymous]

It may be cultural, but that doesn't define all that you are. If you are not comfortable with it, make it stop.

[Anonymous]

The MILs who are always watching you like a hawk are the worst. Mine is like that. She wants to control everything and everyone. She roots through peoples' things, rearranging stuff, taking what she thinks they shouldn't have and hiding it. She watches everyone like they're thieves or incompetent. She grabs things from your hands and talks over people. She'll often literally jump between her son and me, body checking me. She has no boundaries. She's always trying to get her son back, talking about him as if he's a toddler, putting him down, trying to tell him he's weak and a bad son and that I'm "controlling" him somehow.