How can I make sure my two toxic cousins don't wreck my mom's funeral?

[Anonymous]

don't have an open mic at the reception. no need for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, don't invite them.

You can also choose to look at this differently. It sounds to me like 85% of the funeral was wonderful, with warm reminiscences and sharing and caring. If two strange stories were told by relatives who were obviously a little cuckoo (and wracked by grief, which makes people unhinged)...is that really wrecking the funeral? Try to reframe this a bit and think about the funeral as a success with a slightly bizarre incident. Such things happen. You can't control everything.

Yeah I do think some of this is in your control, OP. You have to consciously not let yourself and others obsess over the power/potential these two have. By obsessing like this and letting their actions change the event for you, you are letting them have an influence over your life and giving them the power to ruin your mother's funeral and other family events. This is not easy. I know because I've dealt with this crap too, but after the initial vent you need to move on and not let them become a constant topic of conversation. You are giving them more importance than they deserve.

Also, I'm not sure about "not inviting" them. Some people like this can react badly.

[Anonymous]

Considering this is your mother, auntie to the two toxic cousins, I can't imagine they'd have the same strong feelings about her. I wouldn't ruin the entire celebration of her life by cancelling it, nor would I tell them not to come. I would ask someone not related (someone at the funeral home or a clergy-type person) to step in if they start with anything negative. If they are given advance notice, I'm sure they will be able to take care of it.

That being said, if I had to speak at my own mother's funeral, I could probably go on a rant just like they did! But, when the day comes, I intend to keep my mouth shut and let others speak if they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is not dead yet, but she is in her 90s and not in great health. She was one of three surviving sisters. I never thought about how her funeral would be until last week, and now it's really bothering me and maybe you guys can help me?

One of my mom's sisters died last week, and at the reception, we all told some great stories, because my aunt was really funny and fun. Then deceased's daughter (my cousin, who I know well and who is nonstop negative) stood up and told everyone she was glad they had nice stories about her mother, because she had none. She proceeded to excoriate my dead aunt until the emcee (mc?) managed to shut her down.

Then my other cousin, from the third sister's line, who I haven't seen in 20+ years, stood up and piled on that it wasn't only the deceased, but other people in the family that were selfish or whatever. It was SO nasty and she had to be shut down too.

I'm being a little vague to keep anonymous, but I want to be clear that the things they were actually complaining about are not serious things like child abuse.
---The first cousin was blaming her mother for her bad relationships with other relatives, which, knowing my cousin, were probably actually caused by my cousin and her attitude.
---The second cousin was saying "I'm doing more than my fair share than other members of the family" in scathing verbiage--but, this had nothing to do with the deceased at all!

Ok both these cousins are clearly walking around with a lot of hate (and self-hate) etc. The first one decided to use the captive audience as a platform to spit venom and stomp on the dead, and the second one got caught up in the "well, as long as we're bitching, I'll go next" mentality. No boundaries and concept of appropriateness of the occasion.

As I watched this all come about, my aunt's funeral ruined, I started thinking about how my sibs and I will have to deal with our mom's funeral. We are in agreement that we don't want these two nut jobs to hijack what should be a celebration of life and ruin it. But I don't see how to keep these two under control. I don't think we can keep them away, can we? But maybe there is a better solution, and I'd like to know if anyone has any ideas. I owe it to my mom, now that I've seen the handwriting on the wall, to figure out how to minimize the chances that anything like this would happen. Thanks in advance.

Yes, of course you can. Tell everyone that due to their past behavior, [xxxx] are NOT INVITED to your mom's ceremony. If they show up, escort them out, saying 'I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate you.' STICK TO IT.

+1 I even would go as far as looking into paying for a bouncer, to keep them out.

+3.

They disrespected their own mother/aunt. Why would they respect your mom? Bouncer + no open mic.

[Anonymous]

I am not OP but thank you all PPs. This happened at my dad's funeral - with my wacky sister inventing crap about him. You could hear a pin drop, and everyone's jaw was hanging open.

Our mother, who divorced my dad 30 years ago, defended my sister, and says her behavior was normal. It wasn't, and you all have validated that. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, everyone, for responding kindly and thoughtfully. Some great ideas. As to some PP questions, yep there is no way these two won't know when my mom passes. (One is the daughter of my mom's surviving sister and was the one who brought my mom's sister)

Also, while my aunt didn't know a lot of people (other than relatives) in the city where the memorial was, my mother is extremely social and has tons of friends. Some of those friends of my mom's were there to give her support for her sister's passing. I think it was harder for me to see the reactions of the friends, because they don't know cousin 1 or 2, and thus don't know that the cousins are wacko, and that the stories they are telling are mostly made up in their own heads.

Also, as an aside, it's just ironic how I've got five super-nice first cousins who couldn't make it (they live in Canada and have small children) and their wacko sibling shows up as the family representative. Wackos will travel for a captive audience.

OP, I sympathize. However, contrary to what others have said, I think you should allow the toxic cousins to attend. First, they have a right to grieve their aunt if they can do so politely. My suggestion is to start talking to family friends or distant relatives who would want to help with whatever services/celebrations are going on. Pick some strong-willed and strong-armed family, if possible, ones that know the toxic cousins pretty well, to serve as chaperones for the cousins. Each one (or two) is to shadow or at least babysit from afar an assigned toxic cousin. Each of the baby-sitters is tasked with making sure that toxic cousins do not ruin the celebrations or disturb the grieving. If they do, the baby-sitter either talks them down or escorts them out of the room. On the off chance that they behave, they can stay and grieve with everyone else. If they start to disrupt the proceedings, then they get escorted out, either to the hall or if they are really causing too much commotion, then out of the building. Some people need closure. Your cousins are disturbed individuals and you don't want to add to their imbalance by not allowing them to grieve or achieve closure if they can do so without disturbing others. Sort out who will be assigned babysitting duty before the event so that you don't have to worry about that during your bereavement when you have 1001 other details to organize.

Also second, third or 85th the suggestion not to have an open mic. I've been to several funerals with open mics and most of the time, there are either no speakers or someone who you don't want to speak. Line up the speakers beforehand and you can list their names in the program. If the scheduled speakers are in the program, it makes it easier to turn away persistent others who are not in the program (especially if your relatives are very pushy and might try to add themselves on even without being asked)

[Anonymous]

I had a bouncer at my wedding and a bouncer at my dads funeral. My family is crazycakes.

[Anonymous]

This is PP who had this happen. There was no open mic. She just stood up and went to the podium. No one stopped her. I think that if a bouncer stopped someone, it would be odd too. I would not invite your crazy cousins. They proved they can't behave. Why give them another opportunity?