How can I make sure my two toxic cousins don't wreck my mom's funeral?

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone, for responding kindly and thoughtfully. Some great ideas. As to some PP questions, yep there is no way these two won't know when my mom passes. (One is the daughter of my mom's surviving sister and was the one who brought my mom's sister)

Also, while my aunt didn't know a lot of people (other than relatives) in the city where the memorial was, my mother is extremely social and has tons of friends. Some of those friends of my mom's were there to give her support for her sister's passing. I think it was harder for me to see the reactions of the friends, because they don't know cousin 1 or 2, and thus don't know that the cousins are wacko, and that the stories they are telling are mostly made up in their own heads.

Also, as an aside, it's just ironic how I've got five super-nice first cousins who couldn't make it (they live in Canada and have small children) and their wacko sibling shows up as the family representative. Wackos will travel for a captive audience.

[Anonymous]

I would specifically tell them they're not invited and find another way for your aunt to get to the venue. Or like others have said, have predetermined speakers. Don't give them the chance to be crazy. If you want to have an open house type thing where people can come and eat and share memories, exclude them and make it for close friends and family by invitation only.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine a grown daughter standing up at her own mother's funeral and spouting venom about her to the other grieving family members.

It's crazy and sad that you not only have one but TWO crazy family members who would do this. Did they plan this disruption together? Or was this something that they each independently "just do"?

I guess you either have a bouncer on stand by at the funeral or you don't have an open mic at your mom's funeral.

[Anonymous]

1. Do not invite.

2. No "open mic", designated speakers only.

My parents wanted no funerals. We had a memorial service for my father (which he didn't want) at the college he served for many years.

When my mother died we had no funeral (her wish) and my brother & I did her burial at our family grave site. Not because of any behavior issues, that's just what we did.

IMO it's fine to not invite them and make it clear that they are either (a) not welcome because of their past behavior, or (b) not welcome to speak if they do manage to get in.

[Anonymous]

If you feel the need to have speakers/a microphone, I would have a friend of yours be in charge and give the mic only to approved speakers. I have done this for friends at their weddings. I wasn't the DJ or anything, but I organized the toasts and I was standing right there making sure that crazy drunk Uncle Dan did NOT get a chance at the mic.

At my sister's wedding, my dad told the DJ, if anyone besides the best man/maid of honor get the mic - you do not get paid.

[Anonymous]

Set up the speaker8s in advance and do not allow for others to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, don't invite them.

You can also choose to look at this differently. It sounds to me like 85% of the funeral was wonderful, with warm reminiscences and sharing and caring. If two strange stories were told by relatives who were obviously a little cuckoo (and wracked by grief, which makes people unhinged)...is that really wrecking the funeral? Try to reframe this a bit and think about the funeral as a success with a slightly bizarre incident. Such things happen. You can't control everything.

I think this is good advice. Their behavior reflects badly on them. You just go on and celebrate your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a grown daughter standing up at her own mother's funeral and spouting venom about her to the other grieving family members.

It's crazy and sad that you not only have one but TWO crazy family members who would do this. Did they plan this disruption together? Or was this something that they each independently "just do"?

I guess you either have a bouncer on stand by at the funeral or you don't have an open mic at your mom's funeral.

Probably because you have a decent relationship with your mom. Probably because you have never been deeply betrayed by your mother, and then be forced to hear how wonderful she is/was.
Was it the best venue maybe not.but would have been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The easiest thing to do is to designate a few speakers so an open mic doesn't exist.

This.

Just get rid of the open mic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a grown daughter standing up at her own mother's funeral and spouting venom about her to the other grieving family members.

It's crazy and sad that you not only have one but TWO crazy family members who would do this. Did they plan this disruption together? Or was this something that they each independently "just do"?

I guess you either have a bouncer on stand by at the funeral or you don't have an open mic at your mom's funeral.

Probably because you have a decent relationship with your mom. Probably because you have never been deeply betrayed by your mother, and then be forced to hear how wonderful she is/was.
Was it the best venue maybe not.but would have been?

Not at *HER* funeral where people came to pay their respects to *HER* and comfort *HER* grieving family members. That was a completely inappropriate venue to tell people off like that. No one signed up to hear a rant like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a grown daughter standing up at her own mother's funeral and spouting venom about her to the other grieving family members.

It's crazy and sad that you not only have one but TWO crazy family members who would do this. Did they plan this disruption together? Or was this something that they each independently "just do"?

I guess you either have a bouncer on stand by at the funeral or you don't have an open mic at your mom's funeral.

Probably because you have a decent relationship with your mom. Probably because you have never been deeply betrayed by your mother, and then be forced to hear how wonderful she is/was.
Was it the best venue maybe not.but would have been?

+1

Not at *HER* funeral where people came to pay their respects to *HER* and comfort *HER* grieving family members. That was a completely inappropriate venue to tell people off like that. No one signed up to hear a rant like that.

They weren't hurting their dead mother. They were hurting other family members. That's just spiteful.

[Anonymous]

Seriously. If they thought she was that awful, why bother going to her funeral? It wasn't to pay respects, it was for the attention. If your mother is in her 90's, then y'all are definitely too old for this kind of bullshit.

I'd tell them flat out "After the way you behaved at Aunt Bea's funeral, you are not invited to my mother's. I don't need what will be a difficult time made worse by your unnecessary drama."

Send it in an email so you can toss any of their sure to be unpleasant replies. And as other pps have suggested, draft someone to be on the look out for them and keep them from ruining the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, everyone, for responding kindly and thoughtfully. Some great ideas. As to some PP questions, yep there is no way these two won't know when my mom passes. (One is the daughter of my mom's surviving sister and was the one who brought my mom's sister)

Also, while my aunt didn't know a lot of people (other than relatives) in the city where the memorial was, my mother is extremely social and has tons of friends. Some of those friends of my mom's were there to give her support for her sister's passing. I think it was harder for me to see the reactions of the friends, because they don't know cousin 1 or 2, and thus don't know that the cousins are wacko, and that the stories they are telling are mostly made up in their own heads.

Also, as an aside, it's just ironic how I've got five super-nice first cousins who couldn't make it (they live in Canada and have small children) and their wacko sibling shows up as the family representative. Wackos will travel for a captive audience.

+1

Ain't that the truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you feel the need to have speakers/a microphone, I would have a friend of yours be in charge and give the mic only to approved speakers. I have done this for friends at their weddings. I wasn't the DJ or anything, but I organized the toasts and I was standing right there making sure that crazy drunk Uncle Dan did NOT get a chance at the mic.

At my sister's wedding, my dad told the DJ, if anyone besides the best man/maid of honor get the mic - you do not get paid.

+1

[Anonymous]

^ This! you don't want to ruin a good funeral