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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you, everyone, for responding kindly and thoughtfully.  Some great ideas.  As to some PP questions, yep there is no way these two won't know when my mom passes. (One is the daughter of my mom's surviving sister and was the one who brought my mom's sister)

Also, while my aunt didn't know a lot of people (other than relatives) in the city where the memorial was, my mother is extremely social and has tons of friends.  Some of those friends of my mom's were there to give her support for her sister's passing. I think it was harder for me to see the reactions of the friends, because they don't know cousin 1 or 2, and thus don't know that the cousins are wacko, and that the stories they are telling are mostly made up in their own heads.

Also, as an aside, it's just ironic how I've got five super-nice first cousins who couldn't make it (they live in Canada and have small children) and their wacko sibling shows up as the family representative. Wackos will travel for a captive audience.[/quote]

OP, I sympathize.  However, contrary to what others have said, I think you should allow the toxic cousins to attend.  First, they have a right to grieve their aunt if they can do so politely.  My suggestion is to start talking to family friends or distant relatives who would want to help with whatever services/celebrations are going on.  Pick some strong-willed and strong-armed family, if possible, ones that know the toxic cousins pretty well, to serve as chaperones for the cousins.  Each one (or two) is to shadow or at least babysit from afar an assigned toxic cousin.  Each of the baby-sitters is tasked with making sure that toxic cousins do not ruin the celebrations or disturb the grieving.  If they do, the baby-sitter either talks them down or escorts them out of the room.  On the off chance that they behave, they can stay and grieve with everyone else.  If they start to disrupt the proceedings, then they get escorted out, either to the hall or if they are really causing too much commotion, then out of the building.  Some people need closure.  Your cousins are disturbed individuals and you don't want to add to their imbalance by not allowing them to grieve or achieve closure if they can do so without disturbing others.  Sort out who will be assigned babysitting duty before the event so that you don't have to worry about that during your bereavement when you have 1001 other details to organize.

Also second, third or 85th the suggestion not to have an open mic.  I've been to several funerals with open mics and most of the time, there are either no speakers or someone who you don't want to speak.  Line up the speakers beforehand and you can list their names in the program.  If the scheduled speakers are in the program, it makes it easier to turn away persistent others who are not in the program (especially if your relatives are very pushy and might try to add themselves on even without being asked)  [/quote]

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