How can I make sure my two toxic cousins don't wreck my mom's funeral?

[Anonymous]

My mom is not dead yet, but she is in her 90s and not in great health. She was one of three surviving sisters. I never thought about how her funeral would be until last week, and now it's really bothering me and maybe you guys can help me?

One of my mom's sisters died last week, and at the reception, we all told some great stories, because my aunt was really funny and fun. Then deceased's daughter (my cousin, who I know well and who is nonstop negative) stood up and told everyone she was glad they had nice stories about her mother, because she had none. She proceeded to excoriate my dead aunt until the emcee (mc?) managed to shut her down.

Then my other cousin, from the third sister's line, who I haven't seen in 20+ years, stood up and piled on that it wasn't only the deceased, but other people in the family that were selfish or whatever. It was SO nasty and she had to be shut down too.

I'm being a little vague to keep anonymous, but I want to be clear that the things they were actually complaining about are not serious things like child abuse.
---The first cousin was blaming her mother for her bad relationships with other relatives, which, knowing my cousin, were probably actually caused by my cousin and her attitude.
---The second cousin was saying "I'm doing more than my fair share than other members of the family" in scathing verbiage--but, this had nothing to do with the deceased at all!

Ok both these cousins are clearly walking around with a lot of hate (and self-hate) etc. The first one decided to use the captive audience as a platform to spit venom and stomp on the dead, and the second one got caught up in the "well, as long as we're bitching, I'll go next" mentality. No boundaries and concept of appropriateness of the occasion.

As I watched this all come about, my aunt's funeral ruined, I started thinking about how my sibs and I will have to deal with our mom's funeral. We are in agreement that we don't want these two nut jobs to hijack what should be a celebration of life and ruin it. But I don't see how to keep these two under control. I don't think we can keep them away, can we? But maybe there is a better solution, and I'd like to know if anyone has any ideas. I owe it to my mom, now that I've seen the handwriting on the wall, to figure out how to minimize the chances that anything like this would happen.
Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is not dead yet, but she is in her 90s and not in great health. She was one of three surviving sisters. I never thought about how her funeral would be until last week, and now it's really bothering me and maybe you guys can help me?

One of my mom's sisters died last week, and at the reception, we all told some great stories, because my aunt was really funny and fun. Then deceased's daughter (my cousin, who I know well and who is nonstop negative) stood up and told everyone she was glad they had nice stories about her mother, because she had none. She proceeded to excoriate my dead aunt until the emcee (mc?) managed to shut her down.

Then my other cousin, from the third sister's line, who I haven't seen in 20+ years, stood up and piled on that it wasn't only the deceased, but other people in the family that were selfish or whatever. It was SO nasty and she had to be shut down too.

I'm being a little vague to keep anonymous, but I want to be clear that the things they were actually complaining about are not serious things like child abuse.
---The first cousin was blaming her mother for her bad relationships with other relatives, which, knowing my cousin, were probably actually caused by my cousin and her attitude.
---The second cousin was saying "I'm doing more than my fair share than other members of the family" in scathing verbiage--but, this had nothing to do with the deceased at all!

Ok both these cousins are clearly walking around with a lot of hate (and self-hate) etc. The first one decided to use the captive audience as a platform to spit venom and stomp on the dead, and the second one got caught up in the "well, as long as we're bitching, I'll go next" mentality. No boundaries and concept of appropriateness of the occasion.

As I watched this all come about, my aunt's funeral ruined, I started thinking about how my sibs and I will have to deal with our mom's funeral. We are in agreement that we don't want these two nut jobs to hijack what should be a celebration of life and ruin it. But I don't see how to keep these two under control. I don't think we can keep them away, can we? But maybe there is a better solution, and I'd like to know if anyone has any ideas. I owe it to my mom, now that I've seen the handwriting on the wall, to figure out how to minimize the chances that anything like this would happen. Thanks in advance.

Yes, of course you can. Tell everyone that due to their past behavior, [xxxx] are NOT INVITED to your mom's ceremony. If they show up, escort them out, saying 'I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate you.' STICK TO IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is not dead yet, but she is in her 90s and not in great health. She was one of three surviving sisters. I never thought about how her funeral would be until last week, and now it's really bothering me and maybe you guys can help me?

One of my mom's sisters died last week, and at the reception, we all told some great stories, because my aunt was really funny and fun. Then deceased's daughter (my cousin, who I know well and who is nonstop negative) stood up and told everyone she was glad they had nice stories about her mother, because she had none. She proceeded to excoriate my dead aunt until the emcee (mc?) managed to shut her down.

Then my other cousin, from the third sister's line, who I haven't seen in 20+ years, stood up and piled on that it wasn't only the deceased, but other people in the family that were selfish or whatever. It was SO nasty and she had to be shut down too.

I'm being a little vague to keep anonymous, but I want to be clear that the things they were actually complaining about are not serious things like child abuse.
---The first cousin was blaming her mother for her bad relationships with other relatives, which, knowing my cousin, were probably actually caused by my cousin and her attitude.
---The second cousin was saying "I'm doing more than my fair share than other members of the family" in scathing verbiage--but, this had nothing to do with the deceased at all!

Ok both these cousins are clearly walking around with a lot of hate (and self-hate) etc. The first one decided to use the captive audience as a platform to spit venom and stomp on the dead, and the second one got caught up in the "well, as long as we're bitching, I'll go next" mentality. No boundaries and concept of appropriateness of the occasion.

As I watched this all come about, my aunt's funeral ruined, I started thinking about how my sibs and I will have to deal with our mom's funeral. We are in agreement that we don't want these two nut jobs to hijack what should be a celebration of life and ruin it. But I don't see how to keep these two under control. I don't think we can keep them away, can we? But maybe there is a better solution, and I'd like to know if anyone has any ideas. I owe it to my mom, now that I've seen the handwriting on the wall, to figure out how to minimize the chances that anything like this would happen. Thanks in advance.

Yes, of course you can. Tell everyone that due to their past behavior, [xxxx] are NOT INVITED to your mom's ceremony. If they show up, escort them out, saying 'I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate you.' STICK TO IT.

+1 I even would go as far as looking into paying for a bouncer, to keep them out.

[Anonymous]

I feel you. For the last couple of years of my paternal grandmother's life I felt great anxiety about what kinds of crazy my mother would unleash at her funeral.

I deputized my brother-in-law to serve as sort of a bouncer / bodyguard to deal with my mother at the funeral and it worked well. He helped maintain a perimeter around me so she couldn't pour her toxic brew of vanity and hate into the celebration of my grandmother's life (my grandmother basically raised me.

Having an in-law protect me from her was a good idea because they have no baggage and no history, thus she has no complaints about him.

Fortunately she's not a public speech maker. If you don't want to start a war over invites (which itself could destroy this important time) you might want to consider structuring the service to have a few designated speakers by invitation - and no "open mic."

[Anonymous]

Will they know she passed away if you don't tell them?

[Anonymous]

The easiest thing to do is to designate a few speakers so an open mic doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Do not invite them. We had a private funeral for my grandmother because of some relatives who act a fool at family events.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, don't invite them.

You can also choose to look at this differently. It sounds to me like 85% of the funeral was wonderful, with warm reminiscences and sharing and caring. If two strange stories were told by relatives who were obviously a little cuckoo (and wracked by grief, which makes people unhinged)...is that really wrecking the funeral? Try to reframe this a bit and think about the funeral as a success with a slightly bizarre incident. Such things happen. You can't control everything.

[Anonymous]

If you issue a public invitation you can't keep them away, but if you don't a lot of people who knew your mom won't be able to come. I would simply not have an open mic/sharing so there is no time for them to create a public scene. Make a script and follow it. Also designate a large male friend to be a handler to sit by them and take them out if they cause trouble. They don't have to know, just have him know who they are and be ready to intervene. I did this at my wedding with my grandmother who disliked my DH for being from another religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you issue a public invitation you can't keep them away, but if you don't a lot of people who knew your mom won't be able to come. I would simply not have an open mic/sharing so there is no time for them to create a public scene. Make a script and follow it. Also designate a large male friend to be a handler to sit by them and take them out if they cause trouble. They don't have to know, just have him know who they are and be ready to intervene. I did this at my wedding with my grandmother who disliked my DH for being from another religion.

This.

OP, I'm so sorry about the situation at your aunt's funeral. How sad. Be assured, though, that other family members dismissed these two rants as just what they were -- unbalanced rants by people everyone already knew were negative about everything, not just about your aunt.

I have never been to a funeral reception that had an "open mic" kind of event anyway, so it would seem normal to me to NOT have any kind of general sharing time. Plan not to do it at your mom's funeral so there's no opportunity for the cousins to go off on a rant again. Funerals I've attended have had maybe a visitation at the funeral home prior to the service where everyone stands around and talks, and greets the family, just before the service; afterward there is no reception but people who want to go out to lunch as a group do so (sometimes casually, along the lines of "We're all going to X for lunch right now if anyone wants to follow us in their cars...." and sometimes more formally, as in, "We've reserved a room at restaurant X and all who want to come are welcome; we start at 1:00"). But no getting up and sharing for all, like at a wedding reception.

You could keep the funeral open to all but ensure that the cousins are not told about any luncheon or other event afterward. I agree with the person posting above that if you don't do a public funeral announcement, friends of your mother's might not know about the funeral (older generations sometimes only find out about funerals when the death announcement is in the newspaper and they do sometimes want to attend based on that announcement).

Regarding a "bouncer," yes, do designate a trusted relative who will keep an eye on these cousins even if they only come to the funeral service.

[Anonymous]

I agree with not having an open mic, people can reminisce among themselves at the reception. Also, ask someone you trust, such as a spouse, to be ready to intervene if they act inappropriately and escort them out.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, Op. I agree that an open mic is not necessary and really these people should be the least of your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Above all, OP, know that this reflects poorly on these cousins alone---not the deceased or anyone else present. Sharing your concerns will resonate within your community of family and friends. People will be on the look out to safeguard you from this bad form. Share what you need when the time comes. people always want to know how to help in situations like this. Guide them. If there is someone close to either of these women, they may speak with them ahead of the event to warn them off of their ranting so they have been given fair notice that emotional nasty tirades will result in general disapproval and the need to exit immediately (bouncer friend/cousin/funeral director). State the policy of no "open mic" and attention solely on the deceased. It's not an appropriate affair for these types of (childish, petulant) outbursts. Cousin had the element of surprise on her side, also that it was her mother being put to rest. This is no longer the case. Have people advocate on your behalf ahead of the ceremonies. Best of luck, OP. Also, compassionate e-hugs to you as you make your way through your mother's final decline.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have to deny yourself the opportunity to hear from others about your mother's life, OP.

It's so good that you're already thinking this through so that you can head it off. Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to have speakers, then I would ask a select few beforehand and make a program that everyone get at the service. That way there is no confusion as to who is speaking and what the agenda is for the day.