New guy is great minus his looks, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just his clothing, I don't find him that physically attractive. His physical features, complexion, etc.

But is he a good partner? Mine wasn't "my type" either but his commitment to our relationship is a turn-on. Physical attractiveness isn't COMPLETELY worthless, but it's close. (the guy I dated right before him I was very attracted to, but he had abysmal relationship skills and saying goodbye was not a problem.)

OP doesn't find him physically attractive. That's a bit different than him not being her type. Not being attracted is something you can't really get past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just his clothing, I don't find him that physically attractive. His physical features, complexion, etc.

Then let him go and find someone who is smitten with him - he deserves that. Or let him know you're not feeling the chemistry and let HIM decide if he wants to remain in the relationship. It's not fair to him to be with him because you're scared of being alone, when he still has the chance to find someone who really loves him and is attracted to him.

Attraction is very important, no matter how great the guy is. Don't stay with him for selfish reasons, he will be miserable down the line in a sexless marriage and that's not fair to him.

And I'm a DW, btw.

DH here, totally agree. It's one thing if someone is not your perfect physical ideal but the sexual chemistry is great. But your situation is forced. Trust me when I say this - marriage is hard, keeping sexual intimacy is hard over the long term. if you don't have organic chemistry to start with, you are both doomed (unless neither of you care about sex).

Move on.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you actually have any chemistry or spark with this guy at all. You didn't say a single specific thing about why you like him. You said he was perfect husband material (which I take to mean, employed, educated, comes from a good family and has morals and integrity). But, do you like HIM?

If he makes you laugh, is a great companion, challenges you to grow and be a better person -- you can overcome the physical attraction issues. But if he just has good husband qualities on paper and isn't someone you could see becoming your best friend and lover, let him move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way about my husband when we started dating. But after a couple of months I was very attracted to him. After four years of marriage, I think he's extremely handsome. People can grow on you.

Same here. Stuff like clothes and hair is so fixable. You should have seen some of my husband's regular shirts when we first met. There was this old beige Hawaiian shirt with small holes in it....ugh. And he was/is balding. Luckily I love baldies. Give it a shot - if the chemistry is otherwise great the looks thing will fall into line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just his clothing, I don't find him that physically attractive. His physical features, complexion, etc.

Then let him go and find someone who is smitten with him - he deserves that. Or let him know you're not feeling the chemistry and let HIM decide if he wants to remain in the relationship. It's not fair to him to be with him because you're scared of being alone, when he still has the chance to find someone who really loves him and is attracted to him.

Attraction is very important, no matter how great the guy is. Don't stay with him for selfish reasons, he will be miserable down the line in a sexless marriage and that's not fair to him.

And I'm a DW, btw.

DH here, totally agree. It's one thing if someone is not your perfect physical ideal but the sexual chemistry is great. But your situation is forced. Trust me when I say this - marriage is hard, keeping sexual intimacy is hard over the long term. if you don't have organic chemistry to start with, you are both doomed (unless neither of you care about sex).

Move on.

+1

+2.

(Frankly, he sounds a whole lot more attractive than OP does, but that's neither here nor there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just his clothing, I don't find him that physically attractive. His physical features, complexion, etc.

Then let him go and find someone who is smitten with him - he deserves that.

Attraction is very important, no matter how great the guy is.

And I'm a DW, btw.

DH here, totally agree. It's one thing if someone is not your perfect physical ideal but the sexual chemistry is great. But your situation is forced. Trust me when I say this - marriage is hard, keeping sexual intimacy is hard over the long term. if you don't have organic chemistry to start with, you are both doomed (unless neither of you care about sex).

Move on.

+1

+2 (and then some).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really going to let a great guy go because of how he dresses himself? You must be very young. I had a great guy who didn't look like I expected my eventual husband to look, but I was pushing 35 and knew I didn't really have time for such shallowness, and forced myself to grow the hell up. 5 years later we and our kids are super happy. I buy shirts for him and he loves it.

PP = fucked many bad boys, hit wall, settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you actually have any chemistry or spark with this guy at all. You didn't say a single specific thing about why you like him. You said he was perfect husband material (which I take to mean, employed, educated, comes from a good family and has morals and integrity). But, do you like HIM?

If he makes you laugh, is a great companion, challenges you to grow and be a better person -- you can overcome the physical attraction issues. But if he just has good husband qualities on paper and isn't someone you could see becoming your best friend and lover, let him move on.

She likes him because he has great financial or career prospects compared to other realistically available options (if she actually has any).

That's obvious, she didn't need to say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really going to let a great guy go because of how he dresses himself? You must be very young. I had a great guy who didn't look like I expected my eventual husband to look, but I was pushing 35 and knew I didn't really have time for such shallowness, and forced myself to grow the hell up. 5 years later we and our kids are super happy. I buy shirts for him and he loves it.

PP = fucked many bad boys, hit wall, settled.

Exactly.

Alpha fucks, beta bucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just his clothing, I don't find him that physically attractive. His physical features, complexion, etc.

Then I'm convinced if he weren't at.n attorney you wouldn't consider him marriage material. Seems to me his primary value to you is the idea that he could take care of you and a family, which alone is what makes him marriage material to you. While I suspect you're probably somewhat shallow, I'd encourage you to move on until you find the whole package and let him find someone who views him as the whole package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you actually have any chemistry or spark with this guy at all. You didn't say a single specific thing about why you like him. You said he was perfect husband material (which I take to mean, employed, educated, comes from a good family and has morals and integrity). But, do you like HIM?

If he makes you laugh, is a great companion, challenges you to grow and be a better person -- you can overcome the physical attraction issues. But if he just has good husband qualities on paper and isn't someone you could see becoming your best friend and lover, let him move on.

She likes him because he has great financial or career prospects compared to other realistically available options (if she actually has any).

That's obvious, she didn't need to say it.

Surely a 30 year old guy would know if a woman was playing him for his money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it eye color? I had a perfectly wonderful not-super-attractive engineer who had blue eyes. But since i was a child i knew i would never spend my life with anyone with blue eyes. And we couldn't make it last. And lo, my DH of 15 yrs has deep soulful brown eyes.

i am utterly perplexed by this.

NP. As am I!!!!!!!!!!

+1. The OP of this little post is nutty.

+1. I never cared about eye color, but DH has blue eyes and I love it. It's getting rarer and rarer. I'm sure extremely few of the next generation will have it.

Actually, blue eyes ultimately "win out" even though nominally recessive. That's why there are so many blue-eyed Northern Europeans. Genetics is a complex thing. My 4 kids: 1 grey/hazel, 1 blue, 1 browny-green, 1 looks like will also be brown. Dad has hazel, mom browny-green. 3 blue-eyed grandparents, one brown.

[Anonymous]

I went out with the nicest guy before I met my husband. I even gave him an extra chance because I enjoyed talking to him so much. But I didn't find him attractive at all, and I couldn't get around it when we were together. I ended up feeling bad that I'd wasted his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because he looks good on paper and checks off most of your requirements doesn't mean it is a good fit. You will either need to compromise or move on to someone else (who also may not have all your requirements). Personally I wouldn't be with someone I wasn't attracted to, regardless of how much money they made.

This is me all the way; a man can have everything I'm looking for but if his looks are off then the answer is no. I need to be attracted to the face also.

[Anonymous]

What about his bone structure and body? Clothes can easily be changed... bone structure, not so much.