Reply to Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.[/quote]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. [b]It was a suspended sentence.[/b] The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about. [/quote]

So OP, that's not a "charge," that's a conviction. Please reconsider this relationship. A hallmark of abusers is that the relationships advance very quickly. That's not surprising to hear you say that. Please don't fall for this.[/quote]

You're right, it was a conviction. That's different from an arrest. And to tell the truth, it has been pretty much an instant relationship. It's difficult to imagine he would be violent because I have only seen kindness and affection from him, which I have been desperately in need of. I think I see how easy it can be to become a victim. Before you know it, something goes terribly wrong. And I am not ignoring those who say to get out, I just need to talk it out. I need as much information as possible from him and from other people. I'm in therapy, too.[/quote]

Taken together, that sounds bad. If a friend came to you and said "I don't know about this guy, he was convicted of domestic assault and I've seen him get really mad, but I feel like we just have this connection and we've gotten so close really fast, and I just really want to be with someone," what would you tell her?[/quote]

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