Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remind your sister that she created all this uncomfortable terrain that the entire family is trying to now navigate. You love her but she must respect your need to manage YOUR relationships, including the one with her soon to be ex-husband who has been a big part of your life for a decade. She needs to show a bit more understanding about what she is leaving in her wake.

Agreed. And your sister is a dick and you owe her nothing for her pathetic behavior.

+1 my brother and ex sil went through a rough divorce, but she is still the mother of my nephews. We make an effort to keep her - and her sister who we were also friends with - connected to us and visit our nephews at her house all the time.

[Anonymous]

Wait, your BIL was a shit husband, but you still made him your best friend and did everything with him. We need more backstory here. Why were you so blasé about this man being a terrible husband to your sister? Even now, you have told the story in such a way as to tilt the responses against your sister. What is really going on here? I wonder what your relationship with your sister is like.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP's sister, I would say nothing and just look on as OP was hugged up with her "best friend" ex-BIL. Into every life a little rain must fall. Eventually, OP would experience a tough situation and need someone to be there for her. And I would treat her every bit as callously as she treated me. Revenge is a dish best served cold and turnabout is fair play.

[Anonymous]

Well... this isn't the first time your sister has been completely selfish. These things don't just happen over night.

For the children's sake tell your sister to get her F'ing head out of her ass... or her new boyfriend's ass. The new guy will dump her eventually.

The only reason your sister is mad at the ExH is she is ONLY getting $4200/month. She is a gold digger and her powerplay did not work.

Tell her to go to therapy, grow up and create a life that the children can live in that does not require 10000 hrs of therapy and that includes... birthdays, holidays, sports events, etc with EVERYBODY... their mom and their father and their aunts and their g-parents.

YOU are doing the right thing! She is a shitty person in general that needs to get her shit together.

I would say MY HOUSE, my rules (since she seems to be about 2 years old) .... when you are in my house you will act like a normal, loving mother and that includes being kind to your ex even though you fucked some random at his expense. I will also tell him ... sorry my sister is a money grubbing whore but when you are in my house you two will be kind to each other.

You hang with him... when you want. You hang with sister... when you want (but she won't want to until she gets dumped). You have family events... so the kids can have 1 place in their life that is not TOTALLY fucked up right now.

[Anonymous]

It's not really reasonable to assign blame for who blew this thing up, because what goes on in a marriage can only truly be understood by the people living it.

Her departure strategy is just miserable and demonstrated zero respect for anyone. What kind of delusional entitlement does she have that makes expect that everyone is going to know respect her new relationship? Because she says so?
She sounds incredibly narcissistic or just incredibly naive and immature.

Your sister traded one dependent relationship where she had no power, for a relationship that will destroy any respect she may ever get expect to get from children. 3 weeks and with her friend's husband? My heat bleeds for the kids in both of those families- not to mention the impact on you. I hope for everyone's sake that relationship fails, and that BIL doesn't abandon his children (as he abandoned his wife) by just allowing her to take then full time into that shitshow- and letting that new man parent them because he would rather pursue his success and play grownup than be a stand up parent who does more than just pay bills.

Instead of worrying about your buddy BIL, take on those kids. Those kids are getting their lives destroyed- the reality of which may not have hit them yet. In the end, either your sister or BIL will win you and your husband. It's not going to play out in any more mature way, these people won't let it.

It shocks me that she expects anyone to treat that relationship with respect-as shitty as her marriage was, she didn't exit it, or treat other people attached to it with even a modicum of respect. Did she get married at 22? She sounds like a case of arrested development.

As PP said, in the end you will have to choose your sister or your BIL. The process of a contentious divorce such as this one (has your sister asked you for money for the lawyer term or did she just drain the joint savings account when she ran off?) will burn up one of these relationships in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP's sister, I would say nothing and just look on as OP was hugged up with her "best friend" ex-BIL. Into every life a little rain must fall. Eventually, OP would experience a tough situation and need someone to be there for her. And I would treat her every bit as callously as she treated me. Revenge is a dish best served cold and turnabout is fair play.

So you track every perceived slight, nurse grudges and resentment, and anxiously await any opportunity for 'revenge'? Your life must be awesome!

[Anonymous]

I've BTDT. Look, divorces are messy, even relatively civil ones. They affect everyone in your circle to some degree. You are allowed to keep your friends, IMO. You are allowed to also be supportive of your sister, and this isn't mutually exclusive. But do mind your sense of discretion. Sometimes folks want drama. Don't give them any. Steer conversation away from anything that might give anyone ammo in any direction for a while.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster here. Also, having been through something similar, I'll posit that nobody but your sister really knows what it was like to be married to your ex-BIL. If he was such a shitty husband, it probably hurts a lot that her family is perceived to be taking his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said he was a sh*t husband and he's been yelling and threatening? Yes, affairs are wrong but . . . he sounds terrible.

She also said he was her and her husbands best friend and they did everything together and her husband is missing him... there is some inconsistency in her story.

Also, if my wife left me for someone else like her sister did I might say a few threatening things as well....

Look, I was in a similar situation. I'm not proud of this, but I had an affair to throw a bomb into my marriage that seemed otherwise inescapable. And yeah, there was abuse that nobody knew about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to forget about BIL. Even though your sister is acting shitty, she's family and you need to be on her side.

Eh. I think its entirely situational. My MIL is very close with her former SIL and she's been divorced for over 20 years. DH's aunt/uncle were at our wedding even though his dad had taken off long ago and was at my MIL table. They visit every year or so.

Some families though do better when its treated more like that person died, less drama that way.

I will say though, when the initial shock of all this wears off, there is going to have to be some kind of relationship between your sister and BIL because they have kids. And I generally think its better for the kids to not have to keep both sides so totally separate in their heads. It creates a weird feeling for them sometimes, like they can't talk about what they might have done with their dad last weekend when at your house, etc. Which is just odd. Your DH may have to throttle back his BBF relationship for a bit but honestly it can only help the kids out in the long run if they can continue some kind of friendly relationship. They learn that families change but can still come out ok in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.

He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.

She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.

They are grown ass adults who made a long series of choices to get to their respectively shitty situations. Neither really needs sympathy, nothing "happened" to either of them. A good friend does not bang her pal's husband no matter how shitty her life, a good husband doesn't not neglect his marriage no matter how important his job. Not that hard. But that doesn't necessarily make either terrible people. I don't get how people can't separate out how someone can be a good friend but not a good spouse? Those people are usually carrying their own relationship baggage into evaluating people.

So they made a mess of it together and need to figure out how to go forward and not live a messy drama their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

I would have a very hard time being friendly with a person who had been a shit husband to my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.

He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.

She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.

Of all the men in the world, her best friend's husband? Why her best friend? Why not a single man? The sister was wrong all the way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.

He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.

She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.

They are grown ass adults who made a long series of choices to get to their respectively shitty situations. Neither really needs sympathy, nothing "happened" to either of them. A good friend does not bang her pal's husband no matter how shitty her life, a good husband doesn't not neglect his marriage no matter how important his job. Not that hard. But that doesn't necessarily make either terrible people. I don't get how people can't separate out how someone can be a good friend but not a good spouse? Those people are usually carrying their own relationship baggage into evaluating people.

So they made a mess of it together and need to figure out how to go forward and not live a messy drama their whole lives.

If the OP were an old friend of the BIL maybe this would be relevant. But here it reflects badly on the OP. If you reread her posts it sounds like her sister was treated badly by her husband for years. The OP overlooked that, and her sister's unhappiness, because he was so much fun. I don't care how fun someone is and if they treat someone I care about in a bad way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.

He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.

She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.

Of all the men in the world, her best friend's husband? Why her best friend? Why not a single man? The sister was wrong all the way around.

FWIW The OP said it was her friend's husband, not her best friend's husband. That could be anyone from a real friend to someone she chatted with at school drop off.

OP, how you do feel reading all this vitriol aimed at your sister?