Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've BTDT. Look, divorces are messy, even relatively civil ones. They affect everyone in your circle to some degree. You are allowed to keep your friends, IMO. You are allowed to also be supportive of your sister, and this isn't mutually exclusive. But do mind your sense of discretion. Sometimes folks want drama. Don't give them any. Steer conversation away from anything that might give anyone ammo in any direction for a while.

+1

Been through this with divorced friends where I wanted to remain friends with both parties. Discretion is key and don't allow yourself to be used as a weapon. With the exBIL, Id say outright that in an attempt to mitigate disaster, you are not discussing Sis. Period. Tell Sis the same thing -- you will not discuss BIL. I wouldn't really bother with anything other than surface pleasantries with her new partner because he probably won't be around long, and if he is, you can warm up later.

If ExBIL attempts to use your continued friendship as a way to get to Sis or get info about her, he gets the old heave ho.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.

He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.

She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.

They are grown ass adults who made a long series of choices to get to their respectively shitty situations. Neither really needs sympathy, nothing "happened" to either of them. A good friend does not bang her pal's husband no matter how shitty her life, a good husband doesn't not neglect his marriage no matter how important his job. Not that hard. But that doesn't necessarily make either terrible people. I don't get how people can't separate out how someone can be a good friend but not a good spouse? Those people are usually carrying their own relationship baggage into evaluating people.

So they made a mess of it together and need to figure out how to go forward and not live a messy drama their whole lives.

If the OP were an old friend of the BIL maybe this would be relevant. But here it reflects badly on the OP. If you reread her posts it sounds like her sister was treated badly by her husband for years. The OP overlooked that, and her sister's unhappiness, because he was so much fun. I don't care how fun someone is and if they treat someone I care about in a bad way.

OK that's fair. I think I read it more that they had a bad marriage, not just that BIL was a bad husband. In my reading, I guess I read it more as a bad fit for each other and not that BIL was a jerk and sister was a really good wife always trying- probably because I've seen the bad fit/ bad marriage but not one bad party over the other dynamic more. I get it. I'm very close with my sister, and if her spouse ever treated her like crap it would spoil my view of them but if it was them having a rocky marriage then I can at least see that it often takes 2 to tango.

[Anonymous]

Here's one way to look at this. You are the kid's Godparents. If something tragic happens to your sister, the kids will live with BIL full-time. As their Godparents, you will want to stay in their lives; therefore, a decent relationship with BIL is necessary and desirable.

Let your sister know that you have her back. You can let her know that you realize that BIL was not a great husband to her. But that you want to maintain a relationship. You can also let her know that your DH and the BIL are close friends and you feel it is important for him to be there to support him in this tough time (just as you are there to support your sister).

That being said, I would distance yourselves a bit for now. It's all so raw. Your sister sounds a bit selfish (affair, etc), but she needs your love right now.

[Anonymous]

Two words for your sister: Jeff Lowinger

She needs a great lawyer ASAP.

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife divorced 5 years ago, after 20 years of marriage. She's like an older sister and we are still very close--we even go on vacations together. She invites my parents to her house for dinner, etc. It can be done. We don't talk about what exactly caused the divorce, but I have a general sense of what went wrong (and some was my brother's fault, for sure). It helps that she and my brother are more than civil.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is the disrespectful one.

This. But realize you have to pick sides. Sounds like you want to pick BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is the disrespectful one.

This. But realize you have to pick sides. Sounds like you want to pick BIL.

Why does she have to pick sides?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you and DH need to find a new couple to hang out with. Your relationship with your sister comes first.