People who had bad parents - please weigh in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP who happens to be a SME on shitty parents. My dad was an abusive, angry booze hound alcoholic. My mom is a narcissistic enabler who is still married to him and loves to pretend that I had an idyllic childhood.

OP, YOU are in control. Remember that. Proceed with caution. I'd plan it so that you go without DC. Better yet, take your DH for support and meet your mom someplace public. Do not invite her to your house. Have an end time/out. Give her the bare minimum, like meet for coffee.

Be ready to up and leave if she does anything abusive or threatening. This was the best advice I ever got from a therapist about dealing with my dad. You might even say (as I've done) we can chat and catch up, but if x happens (you raise your voice/embarrass me/criticize me) I am leaving.

You can forgive and I'd suggest you try even if it makes you feel pity for her but you can't be expected to forget not for a tiger to change stripes!

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP who happens to be a SME on shitty parents. My dad was an abusive, angry booze hound alcoholic. My mom is a narcissistic enabler who is still married to him and loves to pretend that I had an idyllic childhood.

OP, YOU are in control. Remember that. Proceed with caution. I'd plan it so that you go without DC. Better yet, take your DH for support and meet your mom someplace public. Do not invite her to your house. Have an end time/out. Give her the bare minimum, like meet for coffee.

Be ready to up and leave if she does anything abusive or threatening. This was the best advice I ever got from a therapist about dealing with my dad. You might even say (as I've done) we can chat and catch up, but if x happens (you raise your voice/embarrass me/criticize me) I am leaving.

You can forgive and I'd suggest you try even if it makes you feel pity for her but you can't be expected to forget not for a tiger to change stripes!

Excellent advice.

I would agree this is wonderful advice if you decide to meet with her, which you don't need to do.

If you conclude you do want to see her, you also don't need to meet with her now. You can choose a date and time that works for you, not one that she chose to put you on the spot.

In the interest of self-care, I would suggest that you see a trauma therapist to help you identify and address any triggers related to her, anxieties that you have, and the physical and mental effects of engaging with her. Once you have an awareness of how interacting affects you, you can decide whether and when to see her.

In addition to being more protective of your own wellbeing, this approach enables you to take control of the playing field. She gets to see you on her terms, not because she decided to drop in.

To the posters saying that the children need access to this woman, I congratulate you on the good fortune not to have been raised by (or abandoned by) truly horrible people. There are bad, bad people in this world and some of them reproduce. Being the offspring of such a parent is brutal, life-changing, and sometimes life-destroying. Those of us who came out the other side ok would never expect anyone to understand. Believe me, though, some people are just toxic. If you told me that my child "needs" to know her borderline grandmother or her alcoholic grandfather I'd say she "needs" that about as much as she "needs" to know the copperhead who bit my brother's foot when we were little. Some people are poison, even in small doses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

It is not cruel to keep toxic people away from your children. That is actually called being a good parent. You go right on ahead and serve your children up to a nut case who is incapable of caring for them and is adept at using them. You need therapy. Op, don't do it or follow the advice not to involve your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

You're nuts. If you can't spend time with a parent because that parent is awful, then that parent should not be around your children either. It's your job to protect your child from awful people. It's not cruel. It's putting the needs of the children in front of the needs of some messed adult.

Seek counseling. Your projecting your own messed up issues on others is problem.

Amen. That poster wants her kids to be around someone she can't stand to be around. I love the "she has a good side and an evil side". Great. PP most of us know that evil people aren't evil all the time.

[Anonymous]

Adult child of despicable parents here:

--You don't owe anyone your pain
--Anyone can purchase a plane ticket. It is a contract between her and the airlines that doesn't bind you or your kids.
--Narcissists, borderlines, and psychopaths use material things (in this case a plane ticket) and unilateral actions (in this case, coming to DC uninvited) as a way of roping normal, decent people into their sickness.
--Your answer is in your heart: If she hadn't purchased a plane ticket without your request or consent, you'd have no reason or inclination to see her.
--Take your family to a nice dinner together and celebrate that you have built something that's not based on guilt, manipulation, and craziness.

Repeat often: no one can require me to feel pain. No one can purchase access to me and my kids. I survived, I moved on, and I do not need to look back.

If you conclude you do want to see her, you also don't need to meet with her now. You can choose a date and time that works for you, not one that she chose to put you on the spot.

In the interest of self-care, I would suggest that you see a trauma therapist to help you identify and address any triggers related to her, anxieties that you have, and the physical and mental effects of engaging with her. Once you have an awareness of how interacting affects you, you can decide whether and when to see her.

In addition to being more protective of your own wellbeing, this approach enables you to take control of the playing field. She gets to see you on her terms, not because she decided to drop in.

To the posters saying that the children need access to this woman, I congratulate you on the good fortune not to have been raised by (or abandoned by) truly horrible people. There are bad, bad people in this world and some of them reproduce. Being the offspring of such a parent is brutal, life-changing, and sometimes life-destroying. Those of us who came out the other side ok would never expect anyone to understand. Believe me, though, some people are just toxic. If you told me that my child "needs" to know her borderline grandmother or her alcoholic grandfather I'd say she "needs" that about as much as she "needs" to know the copperhead who bit my brother's foot when we were little. Some people are poison, even in small doses.

I love the two PPs. This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she be there on a Saturday or Sunday ? If not can you pull your child out of school early or all day to do a sight seeing day. Then 1 or 2 dinners and call it good

Who are these idiots giving such shitty advice? The borderline personality and narcissistic mothers have invaded this thread.

[Anonymous]

It's becoming apparent why there is so much negativity and toxicity on this forum. SMH Continue living your bitter lives but don't project your feeling onto others who don't share your exact same experience. And please don't punish those who didn't experience your crappy childhood. Wallow in it, roll around in it, but don't lash out on others when you feel they can't "understand" your pain.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think there's anything in this for YOU? Do you feel your mother has something to offer that you want? Or do you just feel obligated because you are a nice person and you want to be a better person than your crappy mother?

I would be really, really leery of her desire to come back into your life at her advanced age. At minimum, it's about her and her desire to make amends and feel better. At worst, it's about her realizing that she has nobody to take care of her in her old age and wanting to put that burden on you. She's not your responsibility. She did not do the hard work in the past that would mean she deserves to be cared for and looked after now. She was shitty, and she should now reap her shitty harvest.

If she gets a taste of being able to manipulate you, then she will probably keep doing it and in increased doses. If you decide to see her, feel free to keep it to one dinner or one afternoon outing. If you decide not to see her, let her know that she should get a refund on her ticket and coordinate with you so that the timing works for you and your family. Good luck, OP. I remember your other post, and I relate to having bad, abandoning parents.

Let us know what happens, will you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's becoming apparent why there is so much negativity and toxicity on this forum. SMH Continue living your bitter lives but don't project your feeling onto others who don't share your exact same experience. And please don't punish those who didn't experience your crappy childhood. Wallow in it, roll around in it, but don't lash out on others when you feel they can't "understand" your pain.

It's not about bitterness. It's about protecting children from toxic familiy members. If you can't see the red flags in OP's post then you don't have enough experience to give advice on the issue.

You -- or someone who agrees with you -- threw out the world "cruel" to describe people who cut off their parents and keep them from their grandparents. You are now using the word "toxic." Someone else used the word "bitter." The use of those words demonstrates a remarkable lack of empathy. You simply don't understand, but want to continue to attack people who have been abused at a very high level and who have found healthy ways to deal with it. You are the one who is attacking people who don't agree with you. You are the one who started slinging nasty accusations at people who failed to agree with you. You are the one who claims smug superiority because you are"better than" the people who don't agree with you.

You are well on your way to demonstrating some key traits to narcissitic personality disorder yourself. You might want to see a therapist about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thank you so much for all the responses. It is hard when you feel like you are the only one that doesn't have the normal mother -daughter relationship and it isn't something that I talk about to friends.

I still haven't responded to her message from yesterday. I have been thinking about it. It is amazing how much anger and resentment has bubbled up in me regarding the past just because of reading her texts and her guilt trip about how she wants to see me and my kids.

I will respond later to her and wait for more guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

Instead of responding and waiting for my guilt trips, why not end contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, The problem is that she is planning on flying here it seems just to see us. That seems like a lot of pressure if I was only willing to meet for one dinner.

This is not your problem. Repeat that as needed. It's her problem that she is flying in without coordinating with you. It is HER problem. HER PROBLEM. Not yours.

You can offer a gathering that works for you. If you want. If you don't, that's fine too.