People who had bad parents - please weigh in

[Anonymous]

To restate it another way, to help you feel less guilt, OP: She doesn't realize September is a bad month with kids or know about napping children because she LEFT HER OWN KIDS.

And here's the thing, our society blows motherhood out of proportion. My mom SUCKS. My whole life when I say one stinking negative thing about her, I got "but that is your MOTHER..." This logic never seems to apply to fathers, or mothers-in-law (who are crucified). For some bizarre reason it is forbidden for children of any age to speak up about a shitty mom.

So I say, be as kind as you feel like being but definitely let her know if the time doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

This is such BS. This woman isn't their grandmother. She is the genetic donor for OP. She abandoned OP and has no relationship with the kids. She is a stranger.

Seriously???? They will be scarred for life meeting with g-ma for 2 hours? It is better than saying they never met her and wondering why. If she will be in town then meet up with her for an hour or two. Come on, regardless of how you feel the woman pushed you out of her womb and gave you life. I never had a real relationship with my father but I wouldn't deny her the opportunity to at least see his grandchildren. It would just need to be on my terms. Mom realizes this is awkward. She went to the trouble of getting a hotel and is not demanding that you spend time with her. She is just hoping that you will let her see her grandkids. Please don't make this all about you.

I just needed to add: with this kind of personality disorder, it's never on your terms. It's always on the narcissist's terms. If you don't go along with their manipulations and demands, you will pay.

My DH stood up to my mother over a minor issue early in our marriage. She cried and stomped and tantrummed for four hours and then didn't speak to me for 8 months. She told my father and my brother that my husband was beating me. My brother had to talk my dad out of driving 15 hours to rescue me. She told every single person in the family that I was homeless and living in a domestic violence shelter. She told my grandmother that she was going to put a stake through DH's "fat, black heart."

She got angry with me when DC was born because I wouldn't allow her to be in the L&D room. She broke all of the windows out of our car with a baseball bat while I was in L&D.

When I was 14, she burned down our house for the insurance money. She left my cat in the house because a dead cat made it look like an accident, not arson.

When I was 11, I told her that my swim team coach (a friend of hers) was sexually abusing me. He was shoving his hands under my suit. She beat the crap out of me and called me a little liar who was just trying to make trouble.

When my brother was 14, he hit by a car. He received a settlement of over $90,000. It was supposed to go in a trust fund until he was 18, but she spent it all on booze and drugs.

She smoked crack and got into fights with my dad. One night she threw an end table through the picture window in our living room. She pulled a handgun and threatened to kill him, her kids, and herself.

I tried to kill myself twice (once at 12 and once at 14). She was so drunk and/or hungover that she never even noticed that I had overdosed. The second time I gave myself a small heart attack and she still didn't notice. No one even suggested that I didn't look well until my aunt saw me 3 days later.

[Anonymous]

What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is time to decide what kind of relationship you want with this person and then create that relationship. As you say she has bad boundaries, but you can have good ones. You just need to define them. It's not easy, it took me years of therapy and an eventual confrontation with my dad to realize he'd never be the parent I wanted him to be...but the clarity I had after that was such a better feeling than the jerked-around feeling I had before and that you have now.

If you want to cut her off, you can. You can do it in a text or you can do it with a slower fade. You owe this person nothing.

If you want to maintain SOME level of contact, you can do that, but it will involve not indulging behavior like her recent trip planning. e.g. a reply text: "Sorry, that is a really bad time for us to entertain visitors. Hope your tickets are refundable or you can make other plans. If you want to visit, coordinate the times with me first so we can avoid this happening again." Thing with this approach is she will always be pushing back for weak spots. How much of that do you want to deal with?

[Anonymous]

14:30, I hope you get TONS of love now. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

You're nuts. If you can't spend time with a parent because that parent is awful, then that parent should not be around your children either. It's your job to protect your child from awful people. It's not cruel. It's putting the needs of the children in front of the needs of some messed adult.

[Anonymous]

Will she be there on a Saturday or Sunday ? If not can you pull your child out of school early or all day to do a sight seeing day. Then 1 or 2 dinners and call it good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

Again, no idea what you're talking about. And please retire "shrugs", so condescending.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to figure out what YOU want from your mother. If you would like your children to meet her, then figure out a neutral space where they can meet for a short time.

If you simply want your mother to go away, then do as a PP suggested, and tell her the timing will not work for you, and that she needs to give you more notice that she is planning a visit.

She sounds so manipulative already. She probably wants to get money out of you, that's why she's coming under the guise of visiting her grandchildren.

So sorry you had to endure such a terrible mom. You don't have to endure her any more, if you don't want to. You set clear limits and stick to them. Your kids don't need to see your mom ever. They might be curious when they are older, but by then you will be able to explain her behavior to them.

Don't give in to her manipulative tactics. You sound like you are trying to do the right thing, but it's a lose-lose situation with people like your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, do what you can. You owe her nothing. It wouldn't be terrible for the kids to know her, unless it upsets you, then just don't bother. Got it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do what you can. You owe her nothing. It wouldn't be terrible for the kids to know her, unless it upsets you, then just don't bother. Got it?

Thank you. This was exactly what I was attempting to say. Ultimately OP has to decide what she/he feels comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

Again, no idea what you're talking about. And please retire "shrugs", so condescending.

The condescending part is you requesting that someone retire anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she be there on a Saturday or Sunday ? If not can you pull your child out of school early or all day to do a sight seeing day. Then 1 or 2 dinners and call it good

I don't think the OP should go out of his or her way to do anything. The grandmother is the one who is needs to accommodate their schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are describing are situations that are not in public places and not for a set amount of time. That is all I am proposing. Only the O.P. knows how deep it goes with mom so others with other experiences should stop projecting their pain onto her/him. As for not knowing about this personality...yes I do. My father was a mess because his mother was just like the person OP described. She is still toxic but that is just g-ma and she has a good side and an evil side. I personally cannot spend time with her however I would never deny my kids the opportunity to at least meet their great-grandmother one time for an hour to two. Not in my heart to be that cruel and exhibit the same behavior that I saying I don't admire in her. Shrugs...to each his own.

You're nuts. If you can't spend time with a parent because that parent is awful, then that parent should not be around your children either. It's your job to protect your child from awful people. It's not cruel. It's putting the needs of the children in front of the needs of some messed adult.

Seek counseling. Your projecting your own messed up issues on others is problem.

[Anonymous]

NP who happens to be a SME on shitty parents. My dad was an abusive, angry booze hound alcoholic. My mom is a narcissistic enabler who is still married to him and loves to pretend that I had an idyllic childhood.

OP, YOU are in control. Remember that. Proceed with caution. I'd plan it so that you go without DC. Better yet, take your DH for support and meet your mom someplace public. Do not invite her to your house. Have an end time/out. Give her the bare minimum, like meet for coffee.

Be ready to up and leave if she does anything abusive or threatening. This was the best advice I ever got from a therapist about dealing with my dad. You might even say (as I've done) we can chat and catch up, but if x happens (you raise your voice/embarrass me/criticize me) I am leaving.

You can forgive and I'd suggest you try even if it makes you feel pity for her but you can't be expected to forget not for a tiger to change stripes!