People who had bad parents - please weigh in

[Anonymous]

I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

[Anonymous]

You owe her nothing. If it's convenient for you, meet up. Otherwise, it's manipulative of her to demand your time (and that of your kids). I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a 2&5 and in March introduced them to their "Grandmother Smith". I told my kids she was my mom. My mom is and looks crazy and the 5 yr old obviously knew there was something wrong with her. My 2 yr old just held onto me or husband entire time.

We did this meet at a good location (my aunt's house). My aunt was ready to kick her out if she acted up so that I didn't have to be mean to a 60 yr old in front of my kids.

Lady, if you don't want to meet her; don't. If you do, meet for ice cream near her hotel. Bring a friend or your husband. Keep it short. Leave.

Feel not guilt. Later, drink, cry, complain.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add; if you do it, assume it will suck and be horrible. Only one way to go with that assumption. Better!

[Anonymous]

I would try and meet up with her for lunch by yourself first while the kids are in school. If you still have one at home get a babysitter or work out a swap with a friend. You need to see what state of mind she is in and determine if you want to have her meet the kids. If you decide to do something with the kids plan something your kids will enjoy. Maybe a Duck boat tour thing. I would try and do this when DH can come too. You are in charge of this outing and she may join you. If she starts saying things you don't want your kids to hear or she starts acting odly then at the end of the boat ride you are all gone.

I completely understand how you are torn about seeing her. I have not seen my parent in 6 years. I know I can't change the past and am now at a point where I am willing to move on and start over but I don't quite know how to get the logisticas of it done when they live 8hrs away and I have 4 kids.

Good luck and remember you need to be in control of this meeting.

[Anonymous]

OP here, The problem is that she is planning on flying here it seems just to see us. That seems like a lot of pressure if I was only willing to meet for one dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, The problem is that she is planning on flying here it seems just to see us. That seems like a lot of pressure if I was only willing to meet for one dinner.

Adult child of despicable parents here:

--You don't owe anyone your pain
--Anyone can purchase a plane ticket. It is a contract between her and the airlines that doesn't bind you or your kids.
--Narcissists, borderlines, and psychopaths use material things (in this case a plane ticket) and unilateral actions (in this case, coming to DC uninvited) as a way of roping normal, decent people into their sickness.
--Your answer is in your heart: If she hadn't purchased a plane ticket without your request or consent, you'd have no reason or inclination to see her.
--Take your family to a nice dinner together and celebrate that you have built something that's not based on guilt, manipulation, and craziness.

Repeat often: no one can require me to feel pain. No one can purchase access to me and my kids. I survived, I moved on, and I do not need to look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

She is bad for your kids and you don't want to see her. So don't.

Your mother is a narcissist. She is trying to latch on to you as her emotional supply/victim because she no longer has the juice to attract men to be the victim for her emotional vampirism. Don't fall for this. Be polite but distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

This is such BS. This woman isn't their grandmother. She is the genetic donor for OP. She abandoned OP and has no relationship with the kids. She is a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, The problem is that she is planning on flying here it seems just to see us. That seems like a lot of pressure if I was only willing to meet for one dinner.

Your mother is manipulating you. Why are you letting her do it? She could have arranged a visit like a normal person. Instead, she is presenting with a fait accompli and expecting you to go along with whatever she wants. She has zero respect for you. Tell her to get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

This is such BS. This woman isn't their grandmother. She is the genetic donor for OP. She abandoned OP and has no relationship with the kids. She is a stranger.

Seriously???? They will be scarred for life meeting with g-ma for 2 hours? It is better than saying they never met her and wondering why. If she will be in town then meet up with her for an hour or two. Come on, regardless of how you feel the woman pushed you out of her womb and gave you life. I never had a real relationship with my father but I wouldn't deny her the opportunity to at least see his grandchildren. It would just need to be on my terms. Mom realizes this is awkward. She went to the trouble of getting a hotel and is not demanding that you spend time with her. She is just hoping that you will let her see her grandkids. Please don't make this all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, The problem is that she is planning on flying here it seems just to see us. That seems like a lot of pressure if I was only willing to meet for one dinner.

Adult child of despicable parents here:

--You don't owe anyone your pain
--Anyone can purchase a plane ticket. It is a contract between her and the airlines that doesn't bind you or your kids.
--Narcissists, borderlines, and psychopaths use material things (in this case a plane ticket) and unilateral actions (in this case, coming to DC uninvited) as a way of roping normal, decent people into their sickness.
--Your answer is in your heart: If she hadn't purchased a plane ticket without your request or consent, you'd have no reason or inclination to see her.
--Take your family to a nice dinner together and celebrate that you have built something that's not based on guilt, manipulation, and craziness.

Repeat often: no one can require me to feel pain. No one can purchase access to me and my kids. I survived, I moved on, and I do not need to look back.

Excellent advice. OP, print it out and read it frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

This is such BS. This woman isn't their grandmother. She is the genetic donor for OP. She abandoned OP and has no relationship with the kids. She is a stranger.

Seriously???? They will be scarred for life meeting with g-ma for 2 hours? It is better than saying they never met her and wondering why. If she will be in town then meet up with her for an hour or two. Come on, regardless of how you feel the woman pushed you out of her womb and gave you life. I never had a real relationship with my father but I wouldn't deny her the opportunity to at least see his grandchildren. It would just need to be on my terms. Mom realizes this is awkward. She went to the trouble of getting a hotel and is not demanding that you spend time with her. She is just hoping that you will let her see her grandkids. Please don't make this all about you.

You really have no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted before about my mother who lives in another state, who abandoned me when I was a child and who has reached out after I had my two kids . She has reached out via text messages all about herself and phone calls about herself. She sends $20 gifts to my kids for Christmas and birthdays. She often does not remember the names of my kids. She is alone now in her life after spending it chasing after man after man (when that was happening she had no interest in me). She has expressed some superficial regret over her behavior, but she blames her choices on everyone else. She has no relationship with my sibling because of her toxic behavior.

Today's drama is that she texted me a few days ago after not talking for probably 8 weeks, saying she was going to New York with a friend. Yesterday she said she changed her mind and was coming to DC. I told her it was expensive to come here and to let me know when she had her plans. Today she stated she had found a cheap hotel, and was hoping me and the kids would sight see with her. I told her that the kids will be in school and it will be a busy time, but to make her plans and that the kids and I will try to meet up with her and her friend for at least one dinner. She then says that she is coming alone and would like to see us.

I have not responded to her last text. I felt a bit blindsided. If you were coming here to visit me, then why not ask me if you can visit, instead of the whole other bit about traveling with a friend. Also, September is not a great month with school and sports starting. I also still have a napping child.

The bottom line, is that I don't really feel like having her visit. She never visited me before ( even when I was a child), so why now do I have to take this on. But if I don't, I feel bad, either way I end up feeling crappy. She wants me to give her a free pass on the past and I don't really want to be mean to a 75 year old (she doesn't have good boundaries). I also don't really want her coming around my 3 & 6 year old talking about how she is their Grandmother and confusing them since they have no relationship with her and don't really know anything about her since she is unreliable.

I think you can do this on your terms. Your children should have the chance to at least meet their grandmother. Dinner plans with a two hour window max. Drop her off at her hotel and you've done your part.

This is such BS. This woman isn't their grandmother. She is the genetic donor for OP. She abandoned OP and has no relationship with the kids. She is a stranger.

Seriously???? They will be scarred for life meeting with g-ma for 2 hours? It is better than saying they never met her and wondering why. If she will be in town then meet up with her for an hour or two. Come on, regardless of how you feel the woman pushed you out of her womb and gave you life. I never had a real relationship with my father but I wouldn't deny her the opportunity to at least see his grandchildren. It would just need to be on my terms. Mom realizes this is awkward. She went to the trouble of getting a hotel and is not demanding that you spend time with her. She is just hoping that you will let her see her grandkids. Please don't make this all about you.

You never met my mother or my grandmother, obviously. They could give you a major psychiatric disorder in 30 minutes or less, if they put their mind to it. You have zero experience with this kind of personality disorder.