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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP who happens to be a SME on shitty parents.  My dad was an abusive, angry booze hound alcoholic. My mom is a narcissistic enabler who is still married to him and loves to pretend that I had an idyllic childhood.

OP, YOU are in control.  Remember that.  Proceed with caution.  I'd plan it so that you go without DC.  Better yet, take your DH for support and meet your mom someplace public.  Do not invite her to your house.  Have an end time/out.  Give her the bare minimum, like meet for coffee.

Be ready to up and leave if she does anything abusive or threatening.  This was the best advice I ever got from a therapist about dealing with my dad.  You might even say (as I've done) we can chat and catch up, but if x happens (you raise your voice/embarrass me/criticize me) I am leaving.

You can forgive and I'd suggest you try even if it makes you feel pity for her but you can't be expected to forget not for a tiger to change stripes!
[/quote]

Excellent advice. [/quote]

I would agree this is wonderful advice [i]if [/i]you decide to meet with her, which you don't need to do.

If you conclude you do want to see her, you also don't need to meet with her [i]now[/i].  You can choose a date and time that works for you, not one that she chose to put you on the spot.

In the interest of self-care, I would suggest that you see a trauma therapist to help you identify and address any triggers related to her, anxieties that you have, and the physical and mental effects of engaging with her.  Once you have an awareness of how interacting affects you, you can decide whether and when to see her.

In addition to being more protective of your own wellbeing, this approach enables you to take control of the playing field.  She gets to see you on her terms, not because she decided to drop in.

To the posters saying that the children need access to this woman, I congratulate you on the good fortune not to have been raised by (or abandoned by) truly horrible people.  There are bad, bad people in this world and some of them reproduce.  Being the offspring of such a parent is brutal, life-changing, and sometimes life-destroying.  Those of us who came out the other side ok would never expect anyone to understand.  Believe me, though, some people are just toxic.  If you told me that my child "needs" to know her borderline grandmother or her alcoholic grandfather I'd say she "needs" that about as much as she "needs" to know the copperhead who bit my brother's foot when we were little.   Some people are poison, even in small doses.  [/quote]

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