So many tears - almost 5 year old boy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more eyeroll-inducing than a weepy, wimpy, indulged little boy.

Except a nasty, judgmental adult.

Hi, crybaby's mom!

[Anonymous]

One of the PPs with similar issue. Our son will start to cry/go into emotional lock-down because we want him to eat his peas. Or because he can't have the ipad. Or because I tell him his non-bleeding toe doesn't need a Band-Aid. Or because "we're talking about him". Or....or... And sometimes it's a real issue, and I'm very conscious about wanting to raise a functional human being who doesn't act this way and not wanting to be a terrible parent who doesn't teach their child to better deal with their emotions. At some point I do wonder if it's the way he's realized he can best get attention about something, and what does that say about how we've parented him to this point? Or am I looking too deeply into it and is it just a phase (I'm interested to see this seems so common at this age).

I come from a bottle-it-up waspy family, and I don't want that either. It's horrible too on so many levels.

I did discover this book about anxiety, but we need to get into it more. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591473144?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the PPs with similar issue. Our son will start to cry/go into emotional lock-down because we want him to eat his peas. Or because he can't have the ipad. Or because I tell him his non-bleeding toe doesn't need a Band-Aid. Or because "we're talking about him". Or....or... And sometimes it's a real issue, and I'm very conscious about wanting to raise a functional human being who doesn't act this way and not wanting to be a terrible parent who doesn't teach their child to better deal with their emotions. At some point I do wonder if it's the way he's realized he can best get attention about something, and what does that say about how we've parented him to this point? Or am I looking too deeply into it and is it just a phase (I'm interested to see this seems so common at this age).

I come from a bottle-it-up waspy family, and I don't want that either. It's horrible too on so many levels.

I did discover this book about anxiety, but we need to get into it more. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591473144?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage

Deal with the immediate emotion ("I am sorry it makes you so sad but there will be no more ipad today") and then leave the room or ask him to leave the room. Give it NO attention beyond the initial reassurance that he has been heard and responded to). Like tantrums when the child is younger, the crying jags can never get the kid what he wants -- especially attention.

I HATED this phase. Luckily DS grew out of it very quickly.

[Anonymous]

DC1 was absolutely the same at that age. We tried all sorts of things, but in the end the only thing that helped was time. It took awhile, but by six she had mostly learned to manage her emotions when she was frustrated/angry/worried/tired etc. By seven the issue was mostly gone.

Until then, we tried all sorts of things. Praise for expressing her feelings in appropriate ways (words instead of meltdowns). Negative consequences when she flipped out. Ignoring it. Really, none of it really had an impact. I now look back and realize she had to grow and then strengthen the "muscle" for emotional management. We just had to wait it out.

The only thing I do recommend is to be very clear with your child that "You don't get what you want when you cry and scream." Repeat that statement calmly each time he flips out. And then follow through. Never give him what he wants in order to placate him or buy peace. You want to be extremely consistent there.

The fine distinction is this: Yes, it's ok to cry when you feel angry or sad. Or even when you're disappointed. (This really is age appropriate behavior, and don't for a minute think it's any different for boys. Tears are normal at age 5.) But no, we are not going to change our minds because you threw a fit. In fact, it's the opposite. We understand you have strong feelings about this. But you do not get what you want when you cry and scream.

One more thing: We often use the phrase "big feelings" in our house. I think we got it from someone on DCUMs. It helps DH and I remember that DD is indeed feeling a real feeling. It's like a surge to her -- genuine and often overwhelming in the moment. That helps us name and validate the feeling before focusing on the behavior (using words to communicate instead of or after the tears.)

Good luck. Age 5 is still a mixed bag, but age 6 will likely much better. Especially if you validate the emotions and accept the tears without rewarding them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay calm. Comfort him calmly, without getting into the drama yourself. Don't punish or humiliate a kid for having feelings - that's just mean!

+1. And for those saying tell him to suck it up, a five year old isn't going to understand what that even means. He's just going to register a lack of compassion. Doesn't actually solve anything because it's not teaching him how to deal with emotions more effectively.

Not all emotions are equal. Sometimes you need to teach kids to turn it off. If not, you're just raising a cry baby. It's alright to cry but some kids need to be taught when it's isn't. It's also alright to toughen up.

I totally agree!

I don't disagree but the question seems to be how to help a little one know when it is "ok" to cry and when it is not. Clearly crying all of the time isn't going to work - but what techniques are going to work with the super sensitive kid without screwing them up?

Teach them to to name their feelings as they happen and then use words to communicate with you.

"I'm really mad. I wanted to watch another show."

"I'm worried about camp. I don't know what to do about the swim test."

"I'm upset that he got more X than I did. It makes me mad."

"My toe hurts a lot. Can you help make it feel better?" (As opposed to whining and crying over every other tiny bump and scratch in the hope that you will notice and come help.)

"I'm tired of sharing this with [sibling]. I want to play with it myself for awhile."

"I'm bored. I want someone to play with me."

"I need a break from [sibling]. I want some space."

"I want to play a game with you. Can we play Trouble?" (As opposed to flipping out about something small in order to get your attention.)

[Anonymous]

Naming feelings, validating desires/hurts, teaching calming techniques, praising controlling temper/emotions--works for us. You have to work through each extensively at first but it gets faster.

"You seem sad. Are you disappointed that you don't get another tv show? It's hard to stop things that are fun. Let's take some deep breaths. Good job calming down--it only took you 4 breaths. Now it's time for ___"

Eventually turns into: "That's disappointing, isn't it. Deep breaths--good job. Let's go ___"