Reply to So many tears - almost 5 year old boy

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[quote=Anonymous]DC1 was absolutely the same at that age.  We tried all sorts of things, but in the end the only thing that helped was time. It took awhile, but by six she had mostly learned to manage her emotions when she was frustrated/angry/worried/tired etc.  By seven the issue was mostly gone.

Until then, we tried all sorts of things.  Praise for expressing her feelings in appropriate ways (words instead of meltdowns).  Negative consequences when she flipped out.  Ignoring it.  Really, none of it really had an impact.  I now look back and realize she had to grow and then strengthen the "muscle" for emotional management.  We just had to wait it out.

The only thing I do recommend is to be very clear with your child that "You don't get what you want when you cry and scream."  Repeat that statement calmly each time he flips out.  And then follow through.  Never give him what he wants in order to placate him or buy peace.  You want to be extremely consistent there.

The fine distinction is this:  Yes, it's ok to cry when you feel angry or sad.  Or even when you're disappointed.  (This really is age appropriate behavior, and don't for a minute think it's any different for boys.  Tears are normal at age 5.)  But no, we are not going to change our minds because you threw a fit.  In fact, it's the opposite.  We understand you have strong feelings about this.  But you do not get what you want when you cry and scream.

One more thing:  We often use the phrase "big feelings" in our house.  I think we got it from someone on DCUMs.  It helps DH and I remember that DD is indeed feeling a real feeling.  It's like a surge to her -- genuine and often overwhelming in the moment.  That helps us name and validate the feeling before focusing on the behavior (using words to communicate instead of or after the tears.)

Good luck.  Age 5 is still a mixed bag, but age 6 will likely much better.  Especially if you validate the emotions and accept the tears without rewarding them.[/quote]

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