How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids--one neurotypical and one sn. People are not being deliberately cruel or insensitive. They are simply unaware of hard it can be because they haven't lived it. Frankly, they should be able to talk about their kids success and achievement just as you should be able to talk about your child's struggles and achievements--even though they are different.

[Anonymous]

I agree, I think this is your issue. Many of us have non-special needs kids that may not be athletic, popular, etc......just change the subject or tell her you need to get off the phone. If you ask someone what they're doing over the weekend, are they supposed to lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

When she pauses to take a breath. You can say something like, "What a blessing of riches. I don't think Larla has been invited to 4 or 5 birthday parties in the past three years."

Not the OP, but I think this is the best answer.

[Anonymous]

Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?


When she pauses to take a breath. You can say something like, "What a blessing of riches. I don't think Larla has been invited to 4 or 5 birthday parties in the past three years."

Not the OP, but I think this is the best answer.

I wouldn't go that way. Yes, it might make you feel better, but it's not going to do anything to help your daughter, who you say is at the same school and same age as her daughter. The neighbor is being thoughtless, but it doesn't sound like she is being intentionally mean, and it isn't going to help your child for you to make the mother of one of her classmates uncomfortable. Honestly, I would say that at least 50-75 percent of the few parties my SN son gets invited to are due to the fact that I am friendly with the parents. Just change the subject, or get off the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?


When she pauses to take a breath. You can say something like, "What a blessing of riches. I don't think Larla has been invited to 4 or 5 birthday parties in the past three years."

Not the OP, but I think this is the best answer.

I wouldn't go that way. Yes, it might make you feel better, but it's not going to do anything to help your daughter, who you say is at the same school and same age as her daughter. The neighbor is being thoughtless, but it doesn't sound like she is being intentionally mean, and it isn't going to help your child for you to make the mother of one of her classmates uncomfortable. Honestly, I would say that at least 50-75 percent of the few parties my SN son gets invited to are due to the fact that I am friendly with the parents. Just change the subject, or get off the phone.

I don't see anything either confrontational, rude, or mean about saying "What a blessing of riches."

[Anonymous]

Oh, come on. That is passive aggressive. Op needs to deal with her own pain, fears and lost dreams. Other people should be allowed to share their joys and sorrow, too.

[Anonymous]

I don't see anything either confrontational, rude, or mean about saying "What a blessing of riches."

First of all, no person that I have actually met would say such a thing. Second of all, the poster suggested following it up with a mention of how few parties OP's own daughter is invited to. Look, people should do what they want, but IMO, its not a strategy that is going to result in any gain for OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, come on. That is passive aggressive. Op needs to deal with her own pain, fears and lost dreams. Other people should be allowed to share their joys and sorrow, too.

OP is dealing with her own pain, fears, and lost dreams. Project much? This isn't about her pain, fear, and lost dreams. This is about not wanting to listen to someone prattle on about how put upon they are by multiple birthday parties. Which isn't a "joy" or "sorrow."

[dancingsunflowers06]

Hi there - bless you mama. It sounds like you are a sweet mom with a big heart. I can't relate to your situation, but I have dealt with other parents who boast or are oblivious to my situation. In time, I realized that it was up to me to include these people in my life or not. Regardless of the situation, if someone makes me feel unpleasant or defensive or lacks sensitivity or discernment, I personally, don't want to include those people in my close knit circle of friends. I've learned that it's not my job to change those people. In the last few years, I am so much more content when I surround myself with supportive, compassionate, understanding friends who have my back no matter what. Praying for you mama! Blessing to you and your family.

mommato2lilmonkeys

[Anonymous]

People just love to talk about themselves OP, unfortunate fact of life. And to second a pp, have a nice glass of wine this evening!

[Anonymous]

OP I have had this same issue... People are just clueless. It gets easier to deal with over time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be a downer, but stuff like this just doesn't go away. Wait until you are visiting high schools, and the parents at the open houses monopolize the entire question period with inquires about opportunities for AP, acceleration--and about why their Honors snowflakes have to be in some classes with (gasp!) SpEd and GenEd kids.

Being the parent of a kid with special needs can be isolating and alienating--I think we all have had these experiences. Cherish the supportive friends and family you have; the clueless are just clueless--not malicious, not deliberately cruel, just in an NT bubble.

Oh this. Hugs op. She isn't any kind of friend. I keep my distance from these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

I get off the phone or walk away. She is being rude and I've experienced this from a mom or two so much I know it is intentional. Your neighbor is getting off on her moment of superiority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive?

Yes to both. Most of us love to talk about our kids and in many of the relationships we have, it is the kids who connected us. When people talk about their kids, it is not to be mean or to make you feel bad. It is not to rub it in your face that your child had problems. It is simply because we love to talk about our kids. It is not about you. Just because life is rough for my SN son does not mean I cannot enjoy the things that my friends' NT kids are doing and accomplishing. And, I for one, would not want people walking on egg shells around me because my son has special needs.

I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

If you do this, then you are misreading people and you are likely missing out on a lot of joy in your life. People usually are genuinely happy to hear about your kids when they do well - even if their kids are not doing so well.

I have a Special needs [when young was odd, then deemed gifted on the old Fairfax harder to be GT scale, then disabled] plus NT's. Some people would not talk or acted as if the SN didn't exist. Asperger's /autism can be a really hard place. Just listen to your neighbor and say "wow - I wish my child in vited to all those parties. We are doing xyz this weekend. Sometimes she is sad when she knows about parties and realizes she is different." Then go on to ask about other things like do you set a limit on gift dollars or whatever. The neighbor is being friendly and you can't expect everyone to not talk about their kids- the children are the most important thing in their lives.

[Anonymous]

I don't know this particular person, obviously, but I generally think people who do this kind of thing are not bragging, they are just talking about their own lives. Sometimes that can hurt, just b/c it emphasizes how different your life is. Like, my child is non-verbal, so often those "funny shit my kids said" conversations with other parents are painful to me. But I know they are not trying to hurt me; of course they should not have to avoid mentioning that their kids can speak just b/c mine can't.

The way I deal with it is to figure that in the same way they shouldn't have to censor themselves around me, I will also not censor myself in talking about my child. So sometimes I will pipe up saying how it is hard to figure out how to talk to my child about X because he can't respond with any type of nuance so it is a one-sided conversation. Or something like that.

I think the analogy in OP's case might be to say "I can see how that must be hectic with all those parties, but DD rarely gets invited to parties and I sometimes so wish that she had too many parties to attend." Depends how close you are to the person, of course.