How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have had this same issue... People are just clueless. It gets easier to deal with over time...

I don't think she was being clueless, I think she was just making conversation.

Sometimes these things just get to you. I don't think it gets easier with time. As my kid gets older there are even more issues. Just do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

I have a sn child. This is your issue, op. You are expecting people to treat you differently "aka special" because your child is sn. In essence you want them to walk on eggshells, censur their words, downplay or not talk about their children and generally maintain a false relationship with you. You are setting yourself up for a lot of loneliness. Life isn't fair and if you expect the world to see things only through your lens you are missing out on a lot of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wine. Lots of wine, my friend.

How neurotypical of you.

[Anonymous]

She is just talking to you like she would to any friend. It's hard to know what to say or not say to someone whose child has special needs when your child doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I recently had a similar experience with a teacher going on about a lot of wonderful kids in her class to me at a class party. She talked about how beautifully one child writes, and how outgoing another child is and what a kind friend another classmates is. She knows our own SN son has been having an absolutely horrible year and is not just struggling but sinking. She did not say one nice thing about our DS, nor has she ever said any nice things. I don't think she was being intentionally cruel but just wanted to brag about how great some of the other students are but I must have cried for two hours when I got back home.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you want to play Parent Poker, you could say "I'll see your four birthday parties and raise you a BIP meeting, an OT session, a tutoring appointment, and individual and family therapy."

Otherwise, look for common ground: you can discuss the hazards of overscheduled/overtired kids or how parents just need respite, things that I suspect your neighbor would be most ready to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is just talking to you like she would to any friend. It's hard to know what to say or not say to someone whose child has special needs when your child doesn't.

THIS. OP, I have one SN child and one NT child. You need to grow a thicker skin. You simply cannot expect people to walk on eggshells around you. You and your child are not the center of everyone's universe. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but this other mother was just proud of her child, AND she is allowed to be. Just as you are allowed to be proud of your child. Heck, I boast about both of my children. You cannot go through life being jealous of other peoples children (NT or SN) children and their achievements. It will make for a miserable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just talking to you like she would to any friend. It's hard to know what to say or not say to someone whose child has special needs when your child doesn't.

THIS. OP, I have one SN child and one NT child. You need to grow a thicker skin. You simply cannot expect people to walk on eggshells around you. You and your child are not the center of everyone's universe. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but this other mother was just proud of her child, AND she is allowed to be. Just as you are allowed to be proud of your child. Heck, I boast about both of my children. You cannot go through life being jealous of other peoples children (NT or SN) children and their achievements. It will make for a miserable life.

I also agree, although I wouldn't even describe what she did as bragging - she was complaining about her busy weekends as a result of all the parties. I understand your feelings op, and I've been there, but what I came to realize is that if I remained that sensitive then people would eventually stop talking to me because they would have to walk on eggshells and censor their everyday conversation for things that might be misinterpreted by me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that qualifies as boasting. A group of friends were going to an event recently and we were invited. I responded and said my kid had 2 parties to go to and I had promised to drive to both so we couldn't make it. The organizer has a kid who has not been invited to a party in years (same age as mine), has zero friends, and has a kind heart plus a million other positive qualities. Was I boasting because I talked about these plans in the context of the invitation when her kid isn't as popular as mine? Are you sure you weren't talking about general weekend plans and the neighbor said something like "tomorrow and Sunday are shot since Nancy is going to 4 or 5 birthday parties..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that qualifies as boasting. A group of friends were going to an event recently and we were invited. I responded and said my kid had 2 parties to go to and I had promised to drive to both so we couldn't make it. The organizer has a kid who has not been invited to a party in years (same age as mine), has zero friends, and has a kind heart plus a million other positive qualities. Was I boasting because I talked about these plans in the context of the invitation when her kid isn't as popular as mine? Are you sure you weren't talking about general weekend plans and the neighbor said something like "tomorrow and Sunday are shot since Nancy is going to 4 or 5 birthday parties..."

NP here. And yes, I think you WERE boasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.

I want to say that there are parents who get it. My DC was in Little League for 3+ years and never got a hit and only caught the ball once. There was a boy on his team that was on the travel team and very gifted and eventually was on the all stars team and is now playing varsity in HS as a freshman. It was his mom who stood up and clapped the loudest when DC caught that ball. I think she was happier than me at that moment. She always had words of encouragement for DC. Loved her. Still do.

What a lovely person!

Great story!

OP, I know it stings, but assume the mother was just clueless. I don't mind people complaining about schlepping. I complain about it too. I hate birthday parties and DC (who has HFA and ADHD) is happy to just go to 1-2 a year.

You don't want your friends to walk on eggshells. I have that situation with a friend who has all NT children. I don't mind her telling me about triumphs of her kids.It doesn't take away from my kids' triumphs which are quite different. What I do mind, is I can no longer tell her anything. If I say anything positive about work it offends her since she hates her job. If I talk about therapies, etc. she tells me ASD is over diagnosed and my kid is fine. She drove me nuts over our decision to delay kindergarten and let me tell you it was the best decision for us. She felt her kids were at a disadvantage because of people like me?! Needless to say we aren't as close. I still listen to her tell me about her kids and I genuinely enjoy hearing the positive because I adore her kids. I pretty much tell her nothing about my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if you want to play Parent Poker, you could say "I'll see your four birthday parties and raise you a BIP meeting, an OT session, a tutoring appointment, and individual and family therapy."

Otherwise, look for common ground: you can discuss the hazards of overscheduled/overtired kids or how parents just need respite, things that I suspect your neighbor would be most ready to talk about.

Cannot stop laughing at this.

[Anonymous]

When I boast about my NT child, it has nothing to do with you. I'm not trying to show superiority or rub it in, I'm just excited about MY child. It has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I boast about my NT child, it has nothing to do with you. I'm not trying to show superiority or rub it in, I'm just excited about MY child. It has nothing to do with you.

Yes but...even if it's not done to show superiority or rub it in, boasting is rude. It's just rude. Who wants to listen to someone boast about their child? You don't get a pass from social constraints just because you're not doing it to hurt the listener's feelings or you're super excited. If you want to boast, you need to own the fact that you are being rude. Whether or not the listener has a special needs child, has an ordinary child, has a gifted child herself, or has no children at all, nobody wants to listen to boasting!

[Anonymous]

You don't have the luxury of wasting time being a victim.....

Either, truly make peace with people like this neighbor, confront them or avoid them.

Passively seething doesn't help anything- I am not being mean here because I've been in your shoes. Just think on which of the above works for you and execute your coping strategy.