How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.

Ha -- the ever so lovely humble brag!

[Anonymous]

Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive?

Yes to both. Most of us love to talk about our kids and in many of the relationships we have, it is the kids who connected us. When people talk about their kids, it is not to be mean or to make you feel bad. It is not to rub it in your face that your child had problems. It is simply because we love to talk about our kids. It is not about you. Just because life is rough for my SN son does not mean I cannot enjoy the things that my friends' NT kids are doing and accomplishing. And, I for one, would not want people walking on egg shells around me because my son has special needs.

I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

If you do this, then you are misreading people and you are likely missing out on a lot of joy in your life. People usually are genuinely happy to hear about your kids when they do well - even if their kids are not doing so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.

I want to say that there are parents who get it. My DC was in Little League for 3+ years and never got a hit and only caught the ball once. There was a boy on his team that was on the travel team and very gifted and eventually was on the all stars team and is now playing varsity in HS as a freshman. It was his mom who stood up and clapped the loudest when DC caught that ball. I think she was happier than me at that moment. She always had words of encouragement for DC. Loved her. Still do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.

I want to say that there are parents who get it. My DC was in Little League for 3+ years and never got a hit and only caught the ball once. There was a boy on his team that was on the travel team and very gifted and eventually was on the all stars team and is now playing varsity in HS as a freshman. It was his mom who stood up and clapped the loudest when DC caught that ball. I think she was happier than me at that moment. She always had words of encouragement for DC. Loved her. Still do.

What a lovely person!

[Anonymous]

Can you find something to brag back about? My own HFA/Aspie DS has all kinds of difficulties but also some startling abilities and insights. Maybe you could say "Wow that sounds like a lot of parties. Emily spent the weekend buried in a college level textbook about volcanoes." Or building a LEGO model of Buckingham Palace, or watching 20 back episodes of Cosmos because she's really interested in black holes, or whatever it is. I know not every HFA kid is a secret genius but I'm sure there's something wonderful about your daughter that would put being invited to birthday parties in perspective.

Or maybe just "Thank goodness Emily's a bit of a loner. I don't know how you can stand going to those parties. The music's always too loud and the pizza is awful."

[Anonymous]

I was that "friend on the phone" once. My son has ADHD and my friend's child has needs that are far more severe.

Once, she was talking about her child, and I picked up the conversation with some of my son's development. The developmental trajectories of these two kids cannot be compared.

OP, it was a brain drain on my part. Not malicious, not really even clueless. I just forgot for a moment that this friend's child had these kinds of challenges and prattled on with my own story.

Afterwards, I was mortified and pretty sure that I sounded like a jerk. It wasn't intentional- just two women talking and me forgetting because I don't live with those challenges everyday.

My own son has social challenges-- I hear a lot of parents talking about playdates and sleepovers and how awesome it is that the boys in his small, private school class are so close. None of these families have ever invited my son for a sleepover or playdate. I *totally* get where you're coming from- I get upset.

The answer I get from other parents of kids with special needs is to move past it. Our kids are on different paths and we have to do other things to meet their needs. I have found a few friends whose sons have ADHD- we are very conscious about setting playdates and fun times with these boys.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a SN kid, but I guess I deal with "boasting" by just not buying into it. I don't expect perfection from others, so I hope that they don't expect it from me. I try very hard to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, it depends on context but I wouldn't ever assume that someone mentioning a number of parties or complaining about travel soccer schedule was boasting or humble bragging. The only thing I can control is my action and reaction. Also, if I'm feeling aggrieved, I try to remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me so I can't expect that everything be done my way, or to suit me or my preferences.

The more patience and understanding I put out into the world, the more I get back in return. It's a much happier existence for me.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are going to drive yourself mad finding fault and slight at every turn.
It's a conversation about what's going on over the weekend.
Does everything have to be perfectly even and fair for a little socializing?

[Anonymous]

We used to have an Infants and Toddlers therapist who would go on and on about her child's academic achievements at college. Seriously? Do you not remember why you are at my house? Shut up and start the session.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.

I want to say that there are parents who get it. My DC was in Little League for 3+ years and never got a hit and only caught the ball once. There was a boy on his team that was on the travel team and very gifted and eventually was on the all stars team and is now playing varsity in HS as a freshman. It was his mom who stood up and clapped the loudest when DC caught that ball. I think she was happier than me at that moment. She always had words of encouragement for DC. Loved her. Still do.

What a lovely person!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

You talk about your kids. She talks about her kids. What's she supposed to do? Lie?

You sound massively insecure and self-pitying. I have a kid with HFA. I am glad to hear about my friends' kids who are doing well. I root for them. They root for us. They don't have to hide how well their kids are doing because I don't view parenting as a competition that I'm losing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be a downer, but stuff like this just doesn't go away. Wait until you are visiting high schools, and the parents at the open houses monopolize the entire question period with inquires about opportunities for AP, acceleration--and about why their Honors snowflakes have to be in some classes with (gasp!) SpEd and GenEd kids.

Being the parent of a kid with special needs can be isolating and alienating--I think we all have had these experiences. Cherish the supportive friends and family you have; the clueless are just clueless--not malicious, not deliberately cruel, just in an NT bubble.

Oh wow. Does that really happen in high school? Will you give more info? That is just crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think the neighbor was just talking about what was going on in her life. I don't think she was boasting or trying to make you feel badly. I don't know how close you are with this woman or why you were talking to her on the phone, but I think she was just trying to make some conversation and that was what was on her mind. I do understand how you feel to a degree - my son has a few friends and gets invited to the occasional party, but due to his ADHD and associated behaviors, he's certainly not "popular," and sometimes it does make me feel bad when other moms mention all of the things their kids are getting invited to. But really, they moms are not doing anything wrong, they're just talking about what is going on in their lives. Also, I don't even think my son is particularly unhappy just having one or two friends, so I don't know why I feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Just extend some grace. They don't know. Did you have any idea what raising a kid with ADHD or HFA was like before you had one? In her way she is trying to empathize with you- look, I have parenting struggles too! She doesn't know the background and behind the scenes stuff and how much work and worry it all is. It's actually a testament to how well you must doing if she thinks you're a person she can vent to. I don't take it personally when my friends do this; they just.dont.know. And they can't possibly know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be a downer, but stuff like this just doesn't go away. Wait until you are visiting high schools, and the parents at the open houses monopolize the entire question period with inquires about opportunities for AP, acceleration--and about why their Honors snowflakes have to be in some classes with (gasp!) SpEd and GenEd kids.

Being the parent of a kid with special needs can be isolating and alienating--I think we all have had these experiences. Cherish the supportive friends and family you have; the clueless are just clueless--not malicious, not deliberately cruel, just in an NT bubble.

Oh wow. Does that really happen in high school? Will you give more info? That is just crazy.

Yep. It totally happens. Also happens at middle school open houses.