How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?

[Anonymous]

Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself.

I have a two children, one with ADHD/Asperger's/God knows what, the other neurotypical.

Neither gets invited to a ton of birthday parties. My child with special needs has been teased and bullied, although the school has been very proactive in shutting this down quickly. He only has a couple of friends, because others find him slightly off. He's fine with that. Most of his interests lie outside the realm of his grade level, so he has precious few people to talk to, unless I enroll him at university or something.

My child without special needs only had a handful of friends, because she's not that social. She likes to play by herself, and enjoys the occasional playdate.

And guess what? They are both happy and as well-adjusted as they can be.

Why do you care what other have and do?
Focus on your own happiness and your family's happiness.

[Anonymous]

She's insensitive and does not see herself as boasting. She's feels genuinely put upon, as if she has no time for herself and she's shlepping her kid around.

I totally get how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

She sounds clueless and, on the positive side, she may perceive more of your child's strengths whereas it's sort of your job to be intimately aware of and intensely focused on your child's deficits.

[Anonymous]

Not to be a downer, but stuff like this just doesn't go away. Wait until you are visiting high schools, and the parents at the open houses monopolize the entire question period with inquires about opportunities for AP, acceleration--and about why their Honors snowflakes have to be in some classes with (gasp!) SpEd and GenEd kids.

Being the parent of a kid with special needs can be isolating and alienating--I think we all have had these experiences. Cherish the supportive friends and family you have; the clueless are just clueless--not malicious, not deliberately cruel, just in an NT bubble.

[Anonymous]

It's hard! What I find the most difficult are TEACHERS who go on about their children's achievements and physical development.

Anyway - that's life.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she was trying to be a bitch, but yes, she's clueless. Why exactly was she calling you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard! What I find the most difficult are TEACHERS who go on about their children's achievements and physical development.

Anyway - that's life.

Wow, I had a totally opposite experience. Teachers rarely talked about their own kids, very private. Only years later I found out that one of our teachers had an SN kid herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?[/quo
She sounds clueless and, on the positive side, she may perceive more of your child's strengths whereas it's sort of your job to be intimately aware of and intensely focused on your child's deficits.

OR here -- just want to change the word deficits to differences -- I actually believe that's the right word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with a neighbor who was complaining about how busy she is because of the 4 or 5 birthday parties her non-special needs daughter was invited to over the next 2 weeks. Our daughters are the same age and at the same school. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, and HFA and is struggling academically at school, is quirky and kind, and is rarely invited to birthday parties. Her daughter is bright and popular and doing fine. It's no secret that my daughter has special needs. I get that parents like to brag about their kids, but it really kills me when parents boast about how smart/popular/athletic their kids are to me, when they are aware that these are all areas of difficulties for my daughter. This same mom has talked about how well her daughter does in math.

Anyway, I was polite and got off the phone, but I alternately wanted to cry or reach through the phone and shake this woman. Was she oblivious to how she sounded? Was she trying to be cruel? Is she massively insecure? Am I just feeling sorry for myself and my daughter? Am I being too sensitive? Should I think about all the people who have it worse? I have another kid who doesn't have special needs and is doing quite well in a lot of areas, and I go out of my way not to talk about her abilities to anyone other than my husband and interested relatives.

Sorry, I really needed to vent. But what do you guys do? How do you handle it? Do you every say anything or do you just suck it up and act like everything's fine?

When she pauses to take a breath. You can say something like, "What a blessing of riches. I don't think Larla has been invited to 4 or 5 birthday parties in the past three years."

[Anonymous]

Wine. Lots of wine, my friend.

[Anonymous]

You are projecting your feelings on her and her kid. Birthday parties suck. My SN's kid has been invited to a bunch this year. I hate them, he loves them so we go. I think my SN kid is bright, cute, and very charming. It has nothing to do with SN - try to find the positives vs. the negatives in your child and enjoy them for who they are. Their quirks make them special (to you).

[Anonymous]

I understand why you feel the way you do, but I think you will end up losing friends. If someone says they have several birthday parties, why do you interpret that as a brag? They don't get to complain about being busy just because you wish your child had that business? I think you should try to stop being so sensitive and understand that she was actually talking about her life, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are coming from OP. I totally experience this and just do not understand why other parents are so clueless. I will assume that these other parents do not make these comments intentionally to be cruel, but certainly they are incredibly self-absorbed and clueless. My coping mechanism is to avoid these parents like the plague once they show their true (clueless) colors. I like what another PP said about making some kind of comment like "what a blessing of riches..." I'll have to remember that one.

[Anonymous]

The one that drives me the most insane is, "We are SO BUSY with travel soccer! You have no idea how difficult it is to have a child who is athletically talented! We have so many sporting events, so many teams to choose from. . . " and I have a kid dressed in velour who is sucking on his shirt sleeves who will never catch a ball. I really feel for you lady, really I do.