Men with low sex drive

[Anonymous]

I have seen studies that say men with high testosterone are more likely to cheat, as are women with high estrogen. So I do think there is a range for both sexes. It's not as simple as saying all men want to have sex all the time, and if they don't, they aren't attracted to their wives.

[Anonymous]

For some time I thought my husband's "low sex drive" was a reflection on me, or that I was the cause, the problem, the reason he didn't want to have sex with me (and had trouble maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm when we did have sex). Then I decided that it was due to his medications for depression and anxiety, and his other health issues. Then I learned that neither of those things were the primary cause, when I found out my husband had been having sex with prostitutes for many years.

A part of this piece on sexual anorexia describes my sex addict husband pretty well: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201408/sexual-anorexia-the-shadow-addiction My husband was a sexual anorexic within our marriage - he withheld sex and any kind of sexual intimacy from me, refused to address or even discuss the issue, etc. At the same time, he compulsively researched (online), sought and had sex with prostitutes - which wasn't "fun" for him, but rather full of shame and self-hatred. As he described it, he'd go through periods of not acting on the compulsion, actively trying to avoid giving in, and then another period of stress would result in the acting out again.

I'm not suggesting here that other men with seemingly low drives are acting out sexually as my husband was/is, but I thought the concept of sexual anorexia might be interesting for some to read, particularly if one feels there may be more of a sexual intimacy factor at play.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it is hormonal - low testosterone. Get checked.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]More men have low libidos now because of their gut. If everyone slimmed down, we wouldn't have these problems.[/quote]

+1[/quote]

It's true. My husband has very low drive and very low testosterone. Which makes him insecure which makes libidos worse. When he takes testoerone cream is definetly makes a difference. When he loses weight his testosterone levels also naturally go up. Im kind of over it now and have given up very early in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

My DH has never been very sexual. I had sex with 100+ guys before him. I love sex!!! He still has a low libido. It never changes. I masturbate every day!!! Life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

DH's excessive masturbation killed my marriage. My lawyer said it was a common cause of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

Guy here - this is a much larger issue than most people realize. It's also causing an ED epidemic in young men.

Yep. NP here, a woman. Ex-h had this issue going on, in the basement bathroom and middle of the night iPhone visits. I came to learn the problem is growing, and it's cousin is "delivery sex at your doorstep" via craigslist. Like the guy in Thomas Circle, for example. So easy, so spontaneous, and the hired fuck will do whatever you saw in the video, no questions asked, for a few hundred dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

Guy here - this is a much larger issue than most people realize. It's also causing an ED epidemic in young men.

The science on this is sketchy. But, in our anti-sex culture, it fulfills a desired narrative. So, you'll get sites like "your brain on porn" evangelizing about how porn addiction is the scourge of our youth. In earlier generations, it was automobiles, rock & roll music, and even comic books that threatened our young people. Anxiety about sex plus anxiety about kids is a potent combination that will never fail to find a receptive audience.

huh? is this supposed to be some attempt at a 'sex positive' post? are you a 23 year old college student by any chance?

and what do "young people" have to do with 50 year old men with porn compulsions who get dumped finally by their wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

Guy here - this is a much larger issue than most people realize. It's also causing an ED epidemic in young men.

The science on this is sketchy. But, in our anti-sex culture, it fulfills a desired narrative. So, you'll get sites like "your brain on porn" evangelizing about how porn addiction is the scourge of our youth. In earlier generations, it was automobiles, rock & roll music, and even comic books that threatened our young people. Anxiety about sex plus anxiety about kids is a potent combination that will never fail to find a receptive audience.

huh? is this supposed to be some attempt at a 'sex positive' post? are you a 23 year old college student by any chance?

and what do "young people" have to do with 50 year old men with porn compulsions who get dumped finally by their wives?

PP said "it's causing an ED epidemic in young men." That's why I referred to young people. And the science of porn addiction really isn't solid. See:
http://skepticwars.blogspot.com/2014/02/porn-addictive-theres-no-proof.html

"The literature on porn addiction is really fractured. There are an awful lot of pop media claims that get embroiled into what literature there is on porn addiction. It is not a very heavily scientifically driven field. One of the things I find significant is that in a recent review of basically all research on pornography, they found that less than 1 percent of the 40,000 articles that they looked at were deemed scientifically or empirically useful. The literature is weighted with moral and cultural values. There are tons and tons of theoretical statements that are made but never evaluated. The exact same thing is true for what literature there is on porn addiction. The media, the public and, unfortunately, clinicians and legal professionals are subject to the very heavy weight of all that unscientific literature. "

Your response illustrates the phenomenon. People are just convinced it must be true - probably in large part because of our cultural relationship to sex. So, rather than evaluating the issue critically, people like you just launch into hostility. (E.g., the gratuitous use of "huh" and questioning my age for some reason.) Maybe pornography is addictive. But our belief that it is addictive is based more on cultural prejudice than scientific research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

+1 I think anyone whose DH supposedly has a low sex drive needs to consider this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

Guy here - this is a much larger issue than most people realize. It's also causing an ED epidemic in young men.

The science on this is sketchy. But, in our anti-sex culture, it fulfills a desired narrative. So, you'll get sites like "your brain on porn" evangelizing about how porn addiction is the scourge of our youth. In earlier generations, it was automobiles, rock & roll music, and even comic books that threatened our young people. Anxiety about sex plus anxiety about kids is a potent combination that will never fail to find a receptive audience.

huh? is this supposed to be some attempt at a 'sex positive' post? are you a 23 year old college student by any chance?

and what do "young people" have to do with 50 year old men with porn compulsions who get dumped finally by their wives?

PP said "it's causing an ED epidemic in young men." That's why I referred to young people. And the science of porn addiction really isn't solid. See:
http://skepticwars.blogspot.com/2014/02/porn-addictive-theres-no-proof.html

"The literature on porn addiction is really fractured. There are an awful lot of pop media claims that get embroiled into what literature there is on porn addiction. It is not a very heavily scientifically driven field. One of the things I find significant is that in a recent review of basically all research on pornography, they found that less than 1 percent of the 40,000 articles that they looked at were deemed scientifically or empirically useful. The literature is weighted with moral and cultural values. There are tons and tons of theoretical statements that are made but never evaluated. The exact same thing is true for what literature there is on porn addiction. The media, the public and, unfortunately, clinicians and legal professionals are subject to the very heavy weight of all that unscientific literature. "

Your response illustrates the phenomenon. People are just convinced it must be true - probably in large part because of our cultural relationship to sex. So, rather than evaluating the issue critically, people like you just launch into hostility. (E.g., the gratuitous use of "huh" and questioning my age for some reason.) Maybe pornography is addictive. But our belief that it is addictive is based more on cultural prejudice than scientific research.

You sound very defensive...almost like someone who uses a lot of porn but doesn't want to admit he has a problem...

In an event, I'm not sure what the empirical evidence shows, but the reality is that there are more and more women divorcing their husbands who stop having sex w/ them because they're frequently masturbating to porn. So, whether the men are actual addicts or not doesn't really matter, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

Guy here - this is a much larger issue than most people realize. It's also causing an ED epidemic in young men.

The science on this is sketchy. But, in our anti-sex culture, it fulfills a desired narrative. So, you'll get sites like "your brain on porn" evangelizing about how porn addiction is the scourge of our youth. In earlier generations, it was automobiles, rock & roll music, and even comic books that threatened our young people. Anxiety about sex plus anxiety about kids is a potent combination that will never fail to find a receptive audience.

huh? is this supposed to be some attempt at a 'sex positive' post? are you a 23 year old college student by any chance?

and what do "young people" have to do with 50 year old men with porn compulsions who get dumped finally by their wives?

PP said "it's causing an ED epidemic in young men." That's why I referred to young people. And the science of porn addiction really isn't solid. See:
http://skepticwars.blogspot.com/2014/02/porn-addictive-theres-no-proof.html

"The literature on porn addiction is really fractured. There are an awful lot of pop media claims that get embroiled into what literature there is on porn addiction. It is not a very heavily scientifically driven field. One of the things I find significant is that in a recent review of basically all research on pornography, they found that less than 1 percent of the 40,000 articles that they looked at were deemed scientifically or empirically useful. The literature is weighted with moral and cultural values. There are tons and tons of theoretical statements that are made but never evaluated. The exact same thing is true for what literature there is on porn addiction. The media, the public and, unfortunately, clinicians and legal professionals are subject to the very heavy weight of all that unscientific literature. "

Your response illustrates the phenomenon. People are just convinced it must be true - probably in large part because of our cultural relationship to sex. So, rather than evaluating the issue critically, people like you just launch into hostility. (E.g., the gratuitous use of "huh" and questioning my age for some reason.) Maybe pornography is addictive. But our belief that it is addictive is based more on cultural prejudice than scientific research.

You sound very defensive...almost like someone who uses a lot of porn but doesn't want to admit he has a problem...

In an event, I'm not sure what the empirical evidence shows, but the reality is that there are more and more women divorcing their husbands who stop having sex w/ them because they're frequently masturbating to porn. So, whether the men are actual addicts or not doesn't really matter, does it?

"You sound defensive." -- Immediately resorting to social pressure to take an anti-porn stance. Nice illustration of what scientists skeptical of the alleged negative affects of porn face.

As to your second paragraph - I don't know for a fact that women who, in the absence of available porn, would have stayed with their husbands are now divorcing the men because of porn. But, I do agree that in a situation where a wife is trying to have sex with her husband but is being rebuffed because he's jerking off, that's a problem and, addiction or no, he should figure out a way to shake off the porn and respond to his wife's efforts.

My personal situation is that I use quite a bit of porn, but only because my wife turns me down a lot. Porn probably helps our situation because I'm less agitated by the rejection and she doesn't have to put up with me trying to have sex with her quite as much. Now, if I found out she was using a bunch of porn and masturbating a lot while rejecting me, that would lead to serious problems in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

I watch a lot of porn and have a high sex drive so I tend to think they are not related. But who knows ?

[Anonymous]

My DH has very low testosterone. When he uses the cream his drive goes up. The problem is that years of performance issues have destroyed his confidence so that affects him as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised no one has mentioned porn addiction, that also kills a libido. My ex had a million excuses for not being in the mood. I later found "signs" of him masturbating frequently and began to peel back the layers of the onion.

DH's excessive masturbation killed my marriage. My lawyer said it was a common cause of divorce.

Interesting debate - excessive masturbation to porn vs. low desire for wife. My DW is low drive. She is fine with sex a couple times a month. So I masturbate to porn 10 times for every time I am intimate with her. I wouldn't chose this ratio, would much rather have an enthusiastic sex partner. But there has been the occasional awkward time where I had already finished myself off and had trouble getting in the mood when DW insinuated she would be open to having sex.

So while I am sure there are men who neglect their spouses in favor of porn, I wonder how many others are like me and use porn as a substitute to having a DW with a similar libido (and masturbating often instead of getting frustrated and complaining about the lack of sex in the marriage).