When exactly do I stop paying for my parent's divorce?

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced and I am 32. My mom got cancer and, after many years of nastiness, bitterness and mudslinging on the part of both parties (mostly my mom as the culprit), my dad has stepped up to help me since she is destitute and moved in with my DH, kids and myself. He is remarried, as is she (although her husband is a con-artist using her for money) but my dad + his wife + me and the kids just spent a lovely Easter at his house where we all stayed under the same roof. I hate the cancer but there is a silver lining sometimes. I am not saying it works out like this for everyone and it hardly makes up for the pain in my life, but I am grateful. I just wanted to share this to give someone hope.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to use facebook? Just email people individually. My DH can't even admit his parents' divorce had an effect on him, but it obviously has even 25 years later and that seems pretty common after reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it's boundary setting time. Meeting with a counselor would help you develop appropriate language and techniques to use when engaging with your parents. But, the crux of it is that you need to be clear with your parents that they cannot discuss the other, they cannot react when the other is mentioned and that any manipulative behaviors (getting shitty about FB posting, mentions of the girlfriend, etc.) will have consequences. Then follow through. Walk out of the room, cut off conversations, leave the event, take a break from them, etc. It's not much different than disciplining kids and about as much fun. But it pays off.

THIS. Zero tolerance policy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. You've been putting up with it for a long time. If you really want to end this behavior, you will probably have to play hard ball. Clearly, they lack emotional intelligence and will not do the right thing on their own. If I was you (I've had some experience with this), I would set boundaries and then stick to them. As soon as one of them starts talking about the other one in a negative tone, end the conversation, and let it be known that the behavior will no longer be tolerated. You hang up the phone, you walk away, you pick up your bags and leave the house. You're giving them a choice. Either they can get along and treat you with respect, or they can plan on not being part of their grandchild's life. Really, it comes down to that. Do you want your child subjected to that kind of vitriol and pettiness? If not, then you'll need to take charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you find out, let me know. I'm 38 and my parents divorced when I was seven, and I'm still paying for it. We are the ones who bare the burden not our parents and I'm over it.

I'm 50 and only now am I standing up for myself I this and it is hurting my relationship with one parent. I'm finally ok with a relationship being harmed by a demand for reasonable behavior.

If I could do it again, I would have started earlier and gotten more professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why my ex and I got divorced when we did - before we hated each other. The kids slept over at their fathers last night. He will bring them back today in time for dinner and may stay to eat with us.

On behalf of the child I was once... Thank you. It isn't divorce that hearts kids. It is nasty behavior that hurts kids.

[CarolGuerra]

Its really heart broken Its not easy to live with a single parent either father or mother. Specially when you seen your parents happy with some one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When the baby comes, tell them that you will not allow them to speak ill of one another in front of your child. Explain that you love them both dearly and want their grandchild to feel the same way about each of them. If they can't grow up and cut out the nastiness, they will not be able to spend time with their grandkid.

Amen. They will be decreasing their own time with the child if they can't act like adults. Be strong, be consistent and be angry. They have gotten away with this for years and change won't be easy.

[Anonymous]

Step one.

Get off Facebook and text photos/ call people. Facebook is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Even when the parents get along it is still a PIA. My DH's parents are divorced and every visit we have to drive 90 miles each way to see his father and help him with any issues that arise. It's annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:21 is on the ball. You have to refuse to engage with them around this crap; set limits and enforce them. Dad won't stop bashing mom, after you ask him to stop? Leave or ask him to leave. Mom throws a FB hissy over Dad's gf being tagged? Delete her posts and refuse to discuss with her.

My parents split 14 years ago and thankfully get along now (better than when married). But when they first split I had to do a lot of boundary-setting with them (mainly my mom) along these lines. I was in my mid-20s at the time.

My in-laws are still very bitterly divorced, despite both being remarried. My husband tells them flat out when they start complaining about each other that he will have none of it.

It sucks to have to do this, I know, but it will go so far in easing your own resentment. It's also good practice for limit-setting with your kids. Take good care and good luck!

I had to stop talking to my mom for 1.5 years because she could not stop her crazy, controlling, interfering, stressing us all out behavior. Never picked up the phone,
didn't answer the door (she knew what was up, assumed she was right as always and stopped coming over anyways), no holiday visits, no FB, nothing. We live
close to her like you do to your dad too. After that amount of time she saw me and my beautiful kids at the grocery store by chance and just decided that being
right all the time wasn't worth it. She's now really sweet to everyone. No more judgement, no more nasty comments - seriously, it's like night and day.

Some people are just really hard to change, but you have to be stronger than them if they are hurting your family regularly. It's worth it in the long run.
As you have tried reasoning with them you might just take a big old long break as it might get the message across.

That's really sad that your parents are so bitter after all this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't sit them down, but the idea of setting boundaries is EXACTLY right. Tell them to knock it off and you're not dealing with. If someone starts talking shit in front of me or on face book, I would say "I love you both. The divorce was a long time ago. I am not listening to this or dealing with it." and then walk away. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Except that the initial reaction will be spectacular, but if you keep holding that line they will eventually knock it off.

This exactly. My folks divorced when I was 5 in 1985, and my mom would still be happy to spend an afternoon talking crap about him. The fact that she won't let go doesn't mean that I have to put up with it. I just say something a lot like this suggestion, with the shorthand of "let it go" or "it's been 30 years" or "people change." Whatever you do, DON'T ENGAGE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't sit them down, but the idea of setting boundaries is EXACTLY right. Tell them to knock it off and you're not dealing with. If someone starts talking shit in front of me or on face book, I would say "I love you both. The divorce was a long time ago. I am not listening to this or dealing with it." and then walk away. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Except that the initial reaction will be spectacular, but if you keep holding that line they will eventually knock it off.

This exactly. My folks divorced when I was 5 in 1985, and my mom would still be happy to spend an afternoon talking crap about him. The fact that she won't let go doesn't mean that I have to put up with it. I just say something a lot like this suggestion, with the shorthand of "let it go" or "it's been 30 years" or "people change." Whatever you do, DON'T ENGAGE.

+1

"I'm not your therapist. I don't want to hear it."

And then move on.

[Anonymous]

Boundary setting is not a family affair, it's an individual pursuit. You need to set limits and be extremely specific, "you are not allowed to discuss my mother/father in my presence". You need to set a clear consequence "if you say something in the presence of me or my children then we will keave the event or ask you to leave our home". You then need to follow through.

I suggest you write this in a letter and not meet with everyone since that will just be a big fight. and I suggest you state in the letter "this is not up for debate or discussion, this is final and I won't explain further."

Be clear and specific, use as few words as possible, state the consequence and follow through.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We set boundaries big time once we had kids. We told them we would not allow any negative talk about others in front of our children or with us alone. We also told them we are not going broke and getting sick trying to appease everyone at holidays. If they chose not to attend an event because the other is there, that is fine, but we do not owe them an extra visit for it. They are the ones who chose to divorce and they can deal with the consequences.

So MIL didn't like the rules and eventually declared us dead to her. It was such a blessing because she was so nasty, childish and verbally abusive.